Category: Personal Growth

  • As I Understand Him

    For some it might begin with a doorknob, but eventually gets deeply personal. A God whose love, ridiculously profound (Psalm 103:12), beyond comprehension (Eph 3:20), delivered us from death (Psalms 49:15, 56:13, 86:13, 116:8, Hosea 13:14, Romans 6:9) and through faith has the power to restore self worth, intimacy with humanity, and a tremendously abundant life. Apparently, as I am understanding, this is His style. And it all begins to sink in once I know who I am.


    Made in His Image

    “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27, ESV

    This is the first thing God ever says about a human being, and it comes before Eden is finished, before the fall, before a single choice has been made. Not earned. Not performed. Stated as fact in the same breath as light and land and sea.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    The plural comes first. “Let us make man in our image” (Genesis 1:26) — God speaking of himself in the plural before he ever speaks it over us. Whatever else that plural means, it means the image we carry was patterned after something relational, not solitary. We were never built to be self-sufficient copies of a self-sufficient God. We were built in the likeness of a “we.”

    It was never reserved for the few. In the ancient world this language — “image of God” — was usually kept for kings, the one man who stood in for a god on earth. Genesis hands it to everyone, “male and female,” no exceptions carved out. That’s not a small detail. It means majesty was never the prize at the end of getting it right. It was the starting material.

    Damage doesn’t revoke it. Nowhere does the text say the image gets forfeited by what comes after — not by Cain, not by the flood, not by anyone’s addiction or thirty years of hiding. Genesis 9:6 reaffirms it after the fall, after murder, after everything had already gone wrong: man is still “made in the image of God.” The image can be buried. It doesn’t get erased.

    It’s stated before it’s felt. This might be the hardest thread. For a long time I didn’t feel like an image of anything majestic — I felt like the wreckage of one. But the text isn’t reporting a feeling; it’s making a claim, spoken over me before I existed to agree or disagree with it. Learning to trust who he is starts, I’m finding, with believing what he already said I am.

    So maybe this is where the whole list has to start. Every name that follows — Rock, Father, consuming fire — will be a claim about who he is. This one comes first because it’s a claim about who I am. I don’t think I can really hear any of the names that follow until I believe this one.


    Who is God?

    Scripture uses a huge range of names, titles, and descriptive images for God. Here’s a broad sampling, grouped loosely by type:

    Covenant/relational names

    Warrior/judgment imagery

    Protective/steadfast imagery

    Relational/tender imagery

    Titles pointing to sovereignty

    Wisdom/creative imagery


    God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob

    “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” Exodus 3:6, ESV

    This is the name God gives Moses at the burning bush, the words spoken right before he says I AM WHO I AM — introduction before declaration, history before self-existence.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Three men, not one. God doesn’t say “the God of your fathers” as a general category. He names them individually — Abraham, then Isaac, then Jacob — each one repeated with its own “the God of.” Three different men, three different relationships, three different sets of failures and promises, and God claims every one of them by name rather than collapsing them into a single ancestral title.

    None of the three earned it cleanly. Abraham lied about Sarah twice, out of fear, to save his own skin (Genesis 12, 20). Isaac played favorites and repeated his father’s exact lie about his own wife (Genesis 26). Jacob was a manipulator and a con artist for most of his early life before Peniel ever happened (Genesis 27, 32). This is the God who, centuries later, still introduces himself by these three names — not the names of men who got it right, but men he stayed attached to anyway, all the way through the parts they’d rather have hidden.

    Spoken at the exact moment Moses needs credibility. Moses is about to walk into Egypt and demand something from Pharaoh with nothing to back him but a voice from a bush. God doesn’t hand him a new title invented for the occasion — he hands him an old one, already trusted, already carrying four hundred years of history behind it. Before God tells Moses who he is in himself, he tells him what that self-existence has already looked like, lived out, in three real, flawed men.

    So before I AM WHO I AM ever gets spoken, this is what’s said first — not an abstract God discovered fresh at a bush, but the same one Moses’s own father already knew, still faithful, still calling flawed men his own, long enough to have a track record worth naming before he ever says who he simply is.

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    I AM WHO I AM

    “God said to Moses, ‘I AM WHO I AM.’ And he said, ‘Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you.’” Exodus 3:14, ESV

    Moses asks for a name because a name is something you can hold onto, invoke, explain to someone else. What he gets back isn’t really a name at all — it’s a declaration of pure, self-existing being. God doesn’t say I am the one who provides or I am the one who protects, not yet. He says, essentially, I simply am, and I am not derived from anything else.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    He doesn’t borrow his identity from anything. Every other name on this list describes God in relation to something — Abraham, a mountain, a fire, a people. This one describes him in relation to nothing. He isn’t defined by circumstance, by what’s happened to him, by what others say about him, by comparison to anything else that exists. He simply is, without reference point. That’s not a small thing to sit with if you’ve spent years constructing an identity out of what you did, what happened to you, or what other people needed you to be.

    It’s a present-tense name. Not “I was” or “I will be” — I AM. Whatever God was doing four hundred years earlier with Abraham, whatever he’ll be doing centuries later, he’s not living in either of those. He’s fully present, fully himself, right now, in the burning bush, in front of a man who ran from Egypt and has been hiding in the desert with sheep for forty years. There’s something in that for anyone who’s spent a long time defined by their past — a God who meets you exactly at “now” and isn’t asking you to first resolve everything behind you.

    It refuses to be managed. Ancient names were often thought to give you a kind of leverage over the one named — know the name, invoke the right formula, get the result. “I AM WHO I AM” is God declining that whole transaction. It’s less a name than a refusal to be reduced to one. He will not be summoned, predicted, or handled. He simply is — which means the relationship has to start with trust, not control.

    This is the name that becomes unspeakable. YHWH — the four letters behind this declaration — became so sacred in later Jewish tradition that it was never spoken aloud; readers substituted “Adonai” (Lord) instead. The name that most refuses to be handled ended up being handled with the most care of any name in Scripture. Even the reverence around saying it wrong became its own kind of testimony to what it was.

    So this is where the list of names really begins — not with a title that describes what God does, but with a declaration of what God simply is, before any of it. Every name after this one — Provider, Shepherd, Rock, Father — is God letting himself be known in relation to something. This one is God, unqualified, and unmanaged, before relation ever starts.

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    El Shaddai

    “When Abram was ninety-nine years old the Lord appeared to Abram and said to him, ‘I am God Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless.’” Genesis 17:1, ESV

    The Hebrew here is El Shaddai — usually translated “God Almighty,” though the root is genuinely debated. Some trace it to a word for mountain (the all-sufficient, immovable one), others to a word connected to breasts or nourishment (the one who sustains and provides). Whichever root is right, the sense that’s carried through both is the same: total sufficiency. Not just power in the abstract, but power that is enough — for whatever the moment actually requires.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    It’s spoken to a man who has nothing left to work with. Abram is ninety-nine. Sarai is barren. The promise of a son has been sitting unfulfilled for over a decade since God first made it (Genesis 15). This isn’t a name revealed at the height of Abram’s strength — it’s revealed at the exact point where his own capacity has run out completely. God doesn’t introduce himself as All-Sufficient to someone who’s self-sufficient. He introduces himself that way to someone who has nothing left.

    Sufficiency, not just strength. “Almighty” can sound like raw power — the ability to do anything. But the older sense of Shaddai is closer to enough-ness: God as the one who supplies exactly what’s lacking, from the ground up. Genesis 17:1 immediately follows the name with “walk before me, and be blameless” — not a demand for Abram to generate blamelessness out of his own resources, but an invitation to walk in step with the one who’s already sufficient for it.

    It answers “not enough” directly. For anyone who’s spent years believing — through addiction, through failure, through the ordinary math of not measuring up — that they are fundamentally not enough, El Shaddai isn’t a title that argues the point intellectually. It just relocates the sufficiency. The question was never whether Abram had enough left in him at ninety-nine. The question was whether God did.

    The name outlives the moment it was given in. This isn’t a one-time introduction — El Shaddai becomes one of the names Israel returns to generation after generation, long after Abram is gone (Genesis 28:3, 35:11, 48:3; Exodus 6:3). Whatever was sufficient for a childless ninety-nine-year-old man turned out to be sufficient for a nation.

    Standing next to I AM WHO I AM, this name does something different. That one was self-existence — God defined by nothing outside himself. This one is that same self-existence turned toward a specific, exhausted human being and made into a promise: whatever you don’t have left, I already am.

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    El Elyon

    “And Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine. (He was priest of God Most High.) And he blessed him and said, ‘Blessed be Abram by God Most High, Possessor of heaven and earth.’” Genesis 14:18-20, ESV

    El Elyon — God Most High. This is the first place in Scripture the title appears, and it arrives through an unexpected mouth: Melchizedek, a king and priest with no recorded genealogy, no prior connection to Abram’s story, blessing Abram in the name of a God Abram already worships under a different name. Two men, two different vantage points on the same mountain, and the title that emerges is about height — not geographic, but rank. Most High over every other high thing.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Highest above what, exactly. Abram has just come back from battle — from rescuing Lot, from defeating a coalition of kings, from turning down plunder offered by the king of Sodom in the very next verses (14:21-24). The title God Most High shows up sandwiched between two kings: one who blesses in God’s name, and one who wants to buy Abram’s loyalty with wealth. El Elyon isn’t just high above the created world in some abstract sense — he’s high above every human throne, every offer, every power structure that might otherwise claim your allegiance.

    It’s a title Abram didn’t coin. Melchizedek uses it first, and Abram simply receives it — doesn’t correct it, doesn’t offer a competing name. Later, when Abram answers the king of Sodom, he picks the title up himself: “I have lifted my hand to the Lord, God Most High, Possessor of heaven and earth” (14:22). The name moves from a stranger’s blessing to Abram’s own vow in the space of a few verses. Sometimes the truest names for God aren’t ones you arrive at alone — they’re ones spoken over you first, that you later find yourself repeating as your own.

    Possessor, not just ruler. The title is paired here with “Possessor of heaven and earth” — not merely governing creation from a distance, but owning it outright. Which puts every other claim on your life — money, reputation, the approval of people who might buy your loyalty the way the king of Sodom tried to buy Abram’s — in its actual place. Under, not equal.

    Height as safety, not distance. It would be easy to hear “Most High” as meaning far off, unreachable. But in this story it means the opposite — Abram has just walked through the most dangerous stretch of his life, and the name is spoken as blessing, as the reason he came out the other side intact. Most High here isn’t remote. It’s the reason the ground held.

    Next to El Shaddai — sufficiency for what you lack — this name answers a different question: not what he supplies, but what he outranks. Every king, every bribe, every lesser throne you might be tempted to bow to instead.

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    El Olam

    “Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba and called there on the name of the Lord, the Everlasting God.” Genesis 21:33, ESV

    El Olam — the Everlasting God, or God of eternity. This one arrives quietly, almost as an aside. No burning bush, no wrestling match, no battle just concluded. Abraham plants a tree, settles a well dispute with a foreign king, and in that small, domestic moment, calls on God under a name he hasn’t used before.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    It follows a boundary being settled, not a crisis. Right before this verse, Abraham has just resolved a dispute over a well with Abimelech (21:22-32) — a slow, ordinary negotiation, not a rescue. El Olam isn’t revealed in the middle of the storm the way El Shaddai and El Elyon were. It shows up in the quiet after, when the immediate danger has passed and life has to be lived in the long stretch between crises. Some names of God you learn in the emergency. This one you learn in the years afterward.

    A tree, planted on purpose. Tamarisks are slow-growing, long-lived trees — not something you plant for shade tomorrow, but for someone decades from now. Abraham, who has already waited most of a lifetime for a promised son, plants something that won’t fully mature in his own lifetime, in the name of the God he now calls Everlasting. The planting itself is a kind of theology: this is what it looks like to actually believe someone outlasts you.

    Eternity as the ground under an unfinished promise. Abraham still doesn’t have the full inheritance God promised — not the land, not the nation, not the innumerable descendants. He has one son, a well, and a tree. El Olam doesn’t resolve any of that. It reframes it: the promise doesn’t have to be fulfilled on Abraham’s timeline, because the one who made it doesn’t run out of time to keep it.

    Everlasting, not just old. It would be easy to hear “eternal” as simply “very ancient” — but the force of the name runs both directions. Not just before all things, but after them too. No beginning anyone can trace back to, no end anyone will ever see arrive. For someone learning to trust promises that don’t resolve on a convenient schedule — a marriage rebuilt slowly, sobriety measured in decades rather than days — there’s something steadying in a name that was never in a hurry to begin with.

    Next to El Shaddai and El Elyon — sufficiency in the moment of lack, supremacy over every rival throne — this name answers neither of those questions. It answers a quieter one: not “is he enough right now,” but “will he still be here when I’m not.” Everlasting, the way a well and a tree, both meant to outlast the man who planted them, still are.

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    Jehovah-Jireh

    “So Abraham called the name of that place, ‘The Lord will provide’; as it is said to this day, ‘On the mount of the Lord it shall be provided.’” Genesis 22:14, ESV

    Jehovah-Jireh — the Lord will provide. This name is born on the worst day of Abraham’s life. He has walked three days up a mountain with the son he waited a hundred years for, believing he is about to sacrifice him, and it’s only in the last possible moment — knife raised, a ram caught in a thicket — that provision arrives. Abraham doesn’t name this place in advance, hoping. He names it afterward, having walked through the entire ordeal without knowing how it would end.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    The name comes after the walk, not before it. Abraham doesn’t set out up the mountain already knowing this is where God will provide — Hebrews 11:19 suggests he went believing God could raise Isaac from the dead if it came to that, which is a very different thing than knowing in advance how the story resolves. The name gets spoken only once he’s on the other side of it. Provision isn’t a name you get to borrow in advance to skip the walk. It’s the name you’re allowed to use once you’ve come out the other side of not knowing.

    Provided exactly where it was needed, not before. The ram doesn’t appear at the base of the mountain, or the night before, or anywhere Abraham could have banked it as a reserve. It’s caught in the thicket at the exact place and moment the knife is raised (22:13). Jehovah-Jireh isn’t a promise of provision stockpiled ahead of time — it’s provision that meets the actual point of need, no earlier.

    It’s the same mountain range that later holds the temple. Tradition places Mount Moriah, where this happens, at or near the site of the future temple in Jerusalem — the place where sacrifice for sin would be made for centuries afterward. The name given here, “the Lord will provide,” turns out to describe not just this one afternoon, but the whole shape of what happens on that mountain for generations to come.

    Provision that costs the provider something. God stops Abraham’s hand, but the text doesn’t let the moment feel cheap — a ram still dies in Isaac’s place. Provision here isn’t the absence of any cost. It’s the cost falling somewhere other than where you expected it to land.

    Next to El Olam — the God who outlasts an unresolved promise — this name is sharper and more immediate: not “will he still be here,” but “will he come through exactly when it’s needed, and not one moment sooner.” Abraham didn’t get an early answer. He got the right one, at the only moment that mattered.

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    Immanuel

    “Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14, ESV

    Immanuel — God with us. It’s given first to a frightened king, centuries before it’s fulfilled — Ahaz, facing invasion, refusing even to ask God for a sign (7:10-12). God gives him one anyway. And the sign isn’t a strategy, a weapon, or a guarantee of victory. It’s a name. A promise that whatever is coming, God himself will not be absent from it.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    It answers fear, not a request. Ahaz never asks for this sign — he refuses to, out of a false humility that’s really just avoidance (7:12). God gives it anyway, unprompted, straight into the middle of a king’s terror over enemy armies at the gate. Immanuel isn’t a name you have to work up the nerve to ask for. It shows up in the fear whether or not you thought to invite it.

    With us, not just for us. Every name before this one describes something God does — provides, sustains, outranks every rival. This one describes where he chooses to be: not at a safe distance managing the outcome, but present, in it, alongside. Matthew later applies this same name directly to Jesus (Matthew 1:23) — the promise stops being a title spoken over a nation and becomes a person who actually walks into a room.

    A sign that takes centuries to fully land. Isaiah speaks this in the 700s BC, into an immediate political crisis. Its fullest meaning doesn’t arrive until Bethlehem, seven hundred years later. Some promises resolve at the pace of a ram in a thicket, this afternoon. Others resolve on a timeline no one alive at the time will see completed — and the name still holds in the meantime.

    With, not instead of. This name doesn’t promise the removal of the invading army, the danger, or the hard thing Ahaz is actually afraid of. It promises presence inside the danger, not evacuation from it. That’s a harder gift to receive than rescue, and maybe a truer one — the difference between a God who removes every fire and a God who stands in it with you.

    Next to Jehovah-Jireh — provision arriving at the exact moment it’s needed — this name answers something even more basic: not what God will do when the moment comes, but whether he’ll actually be there when it does. Provided, yes. But also, simply, with.

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    A Consuming Fire

    “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.” Hebrews‬ ‭12‬:‭28,29‬ ‭ESV‬‬

    This is a direct echo of Deuteronomy 4:24 — “the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God” — and Hebrews is deliberately pulling that phrase forward into the new covenant, not softening it.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Fire that purifies, not just destroys. Throughout Scripture, fire shows up two ways — judgment that consumes what’s corrupt, and refining that burns away impurity to reveal what’s genuine (Malachi 3:2–3 pictures God as a refiner’s fire, purifying like silver). Hebrews 12 has just been talking about God’s discipline as the mark of sonship (12:5–11), so “consuming fire” here isn’t random — it’s the same fire that refines a genuine son, and consumes whatever in us isn’t real.

    Nothing false survives contact with him. A fire doesn’t negotiate with what it touches — it either burns it up or purifies it. That’s the point: God’s presence isn’t a neutral space where posturing, performance, or self-protection can just quietly continue. Anything false gets exposed. That’s terrifying if you’re still trying to manage an image. It’s actually good news if you’re tired of managing one.

    It’s stated as the reason for reverence, not despite security. Look at the structure of the two verses — we’re receiving an unshakeable kingdom, therefore let’s worship with reverence and awe, because our God is a consuming fire. The fire isn’t a threat hanging over an otherwise safe relationship. It’s named as the very reason the relationship can be trusted — he doesn’t tolerate half-truths, doesn’t let corruption quietly persist forever. That’s what makes him safe to approach completely honest, the way sober guys learn to be honest in a room — because he’s not going to let a lie sit there unaddressed forever.

    So perhaps anxiety ought to be embraced — the fire that terrifies the part of you still hiding something is the same fire that’s finally trustworthy enough to stop hiding from.

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    The Lord Is a Man of War

    “The Lord is a man of war; the Lord is his name.” Exodus 15:3, ESV

    This line lands in the middle of the Song of Moses, sung on the far shore of the Red Sea, minutes after Pharaoh’s army has drowned behind them. It’s not a title spoken in a quiet domestic moment like El Olam, or given in advance like Immanuel. It’s shouted — by a people who just watched God fight for them and win, with nothing left for them to do but sing about it.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Israel did not fight this battle. Just before this song, Moses tells the people, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” (Exodus 14:14). No sword raised, no strategy executed — the sea closes, the army is gone, and the only thing Israel contributes is the song afterward. “Man of war” here isn’t describing God enlisting human strength to help him win. It’s describing a battle he fought entirely without them, on their behalf, while they stood and watched.

    Named as a warrior, in his own name. “The Lord is his name” isn’t decorative — it’s the second half of the line insisting that “man of war” isn’t a temporary mood or a one-time tactic. It’s genuinely who he is, attached to the name itself. Whatever else God is elsewhere in this list — sufficient, everlasting, present — he is also, truly, someone who fights.

    Fighting for you is different from fighting against you. This is the line that can be hardest to hold next to a God who is also Father, also Immanuel, also with-us. But the whole context of Exodus makes clear which side of the war he’s on. The same God who provided the ram in the thicket for Isaac is the one drowning the army that spent generations enslaving his people. Ferocity and love aren’t opposites here — the ferocity is aimed entirely at what was destroying the people he loves.

    Some things only get answered by force. Pharaoh wasn’t going to be reasoned with — he’d already been asked, plagued, and warned, and hardened his heart through all of it (Exodus 7-14). There’s a category of bondage — an army at your back, an addiction that’s had a decade to entrench itself — that doesn’t yield to negotiation. It yields to something willing to fight it outright.

    Next to a consuming fire — nothing false surviving contact with him — this name is a different kind of intensity: not what burns away what’s untrue in you, but what fights off what’s coming for you. Not just standing with you in the fire, but the one who walks into the sea after what was chasing you and makes sure it never reaches the other side.

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    A Jealous God

    “You shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14, ESV

    This line comes right after Moses has come down the mountain a second time, new tablets in hand, following the golden calf. God isn’t introducing this trait for the first time — he’s restating it, immediately after Israel has already proven exactly why it matters. “Jealous” isn’t a side note here. It’s given as his name.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Jealousy over an actual betrayal, not a hypothetical one. This isn’t abstract theology. Israel had melted down their jewelry and built a golden calf while Moses was still on the mountain receiving the law (Exodus 32). This line comes after that — after the covenant was already broken once. God’s jealousy isn’t a preemptive threat. It’s a response to something that already happened, restated as a warning about what will happen again if it does.

    Marriage language, not property language. The Hebrew word behind “jealous” here is the same root used for a husband’s jealousy over a wife (Numbers 5:14). The covenant at Sinai is repeatedly described in marital terms throughout the prophets — Israel as bride, God as husband (Hosea 2, Ezekiel 16). Jealousy in that frame isn’t possessiveness over an object. It’s the specific pain of a spouse watching someone they’ve committed everything to give themselves away to something that will use and discard them.

    Named it, not just felt it. “Whose name is Jealous” — same construction as “the Lord is his name” from the man-of-war title. This isn’t an emotion God occasionally has. It’s attached to his identity the way “consuming fire” and “Almighty” are. Whatever else is true of him, he does not hold loose, casual affection for the people he’s bound himself to.

    The alternative to jealousy isn’t a kinder God — it’s a more distant one. A God who genuinely didn’t care what you gave your loyalty to wouldn’t need a name like this. Indifference doesn’t get jealous. Only real love, real commitment, has anything at stake in where your allegiance actually goes. For anyone who’s given years of devotion to something that used them and gave nothing back, a God who calls that a wound rather than a shrug is a different kind of God than the ones being competed with.

    Next to man of war — fighting an enemy from outside — this name turns the same intensity inward, toward the relationship itself. Not just what he’ll fight against on your behalf, but how much it costs him when you hand your devotion to something else.

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    The Judge of All the Earth

    “Then Abraham drew near and said, ‘Will you indeed sweep away the righteous with the wicked? … Shall not the Judge of all the earth do what is just?’” Genesis 18:23, 25, ESV

    This name doesn’t come from God introducing himself. It comes from Abraham, mid-argument, negotiating God down from destroying Sodom — first for fifty righteous people, then forty-five, then forty, all the way down to ten (18:22-32). “Judge of all the earth” is the title Abraham reaches for in the middle of that bargaining, as the very grounds on which he expects God to be reasoned with.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    A title Abraham uses to hold God accountable. This is unusual in the list — most of these names are spoken by God about himself. This one is spoken by a human being, appealing to God’s own character as the basis for a request. Abraham isn’t flattering God here; he’s arguing that a just judge cannot possibly do an unjust thing, and pressing that logic all the way to the city gate. The name assumes God’s justice is stable enough to be reasoned from, not just hoped for.

    Justice as the reason approach is possible at all. Abraham can draw near and question, push back, negotiate — because he’s not dealing with an arbitrary or capricious power that might destroy him for asking. “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do what is just” is Abraham trusting that the one he’s questioning is actually good, actually fair, actually willing to be reasoned with. You don’t argue a case in front of a judge you believe is corrupt. You argue because you trust the bench.

    All the earth — not just Israel. The title isn’t “Judge of Israel” or “Judge of the covenant people.” Sodom isn’t part of the covenant, has no claim on the promises given to Abraham, and God’s justice reaches it anyway. Whatever this judgment is, it isn’t tribal or selective — it covers ground far outside the relationship Abraham himself is in.

    Judgment that can be trusted precisely because it isn’t arbitrary. For someone who’s spent years afraid of being judged unfairly — by other people, by their own conscience, by the fear that any reckoning would be capricious or crushing — there’s something different about a judge who lets Abraham talk him through the math three separate times, and never once punishes the asking.

    Next to a jealous God — pain at misplaced devotion — this name answers a related but different fear: not “does he care enough to be hurt,” but “can his response to wrong actually be trusted to be fair.” Abraham’s whole argument only works if the answer is yes.

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    A Refiner’s Fire

    “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver.” Malachi 3:2-3, ESV

    This image already sat underneath the “consuming fire” section — Malachi 3:2 was the cross-reference there. But it deserves its own space, because refining isn’t just a milder cousin of consuming. It’s a distinct craft, with its own patience, its own attention, its own end in view.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    He sits. Before anything else, the posture: “he will sit as a refiner.” Refining silver was slow, close work — a metalworker didn’t walk away and let the fire do whatever it wanted. He sat at the furnace, watching the metal the entire time, because leave it a moment too long and you don’t purify silver, you destroy it. This isn’t a fire set loose. It’s a fire tended by someone who never looks away from what’s in it.

    Dross is separated, not just burned up. In refining, the fire doesn’t consume the silver — it consumes what’s mixed in with the silver. The impurity rises to the surface, gets skimmed off, and what’s left underneath is more truly silver than it was before the heat. The metal isn’t the thing being destroyed. It’s the thing being uncovered.

    The traditional sign it’s finished: he can see his reflection. Ancient refiners were said to know the process was complete not by a timer or a formula, but by looking into the molten silver and seeing their own face reflected back clearly. Whether or not that’s literally how Malachi’s audience understood it, the image carries weight either way — the refining isn’t finished until what’s underneath is clear enough to reflect the one doing the refining.

    It’s aimed at the sons of Levi — the priests, the ones already set apart for him. This isn’t refining directed at outsiders or enemies. It’s directed at the people already closest to the work, already serving at the altar, whose offerings had become corrupt enough that Malachi spends the whole book confronting it. Refining isn’t a punishment reserved for the far-off. It’s what happens to the ones near enough to be worth the sitting and watching.

    Next to a consuming fire, which answers whether anything false can survive contact with him, this image answers something closer to how — not a single instant of exposure, but a fire someone sits at, patiently, until what’s underneath is clear enough to show his own face in it.

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    Rock

    “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he.” Deuteronomy 32:4, ESV

    This comes from the Song of Moses at the very end of Deuteronomy — an old man, near the end of his life, looking back over forty years of a people’s failures and God’s steadiness through all of it. “The Rock” is how the song opens its description of God, before it spends the next several verses cataloging exactly how far Israel wandered from him.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Rock, set against a people who kept moving. The whole song is built on this contrast — Israel “grew fat and kicked” (32:15), forsook the Rock, sacrificed to gods “they had never known” (32:17), and through all of it, the Rock stayed exactly where he was. The title isn’t describing a static, boring God. It’s describing the one fixed point in a story where almost everything else moved.

    Perfect work, not just permanence. Deuteronomy 32:4 doesn’t stop at “the Rock” — it immediately says “his work is perfect,” “all his ways are justice,” “without iniquity.” Rock here isn’t just about being hard to move. It’s about being trustworthy all the way through — nothing hidden, nothing crumbling under the surface once you actually lean your weight on it.

    A rock you can drink from. This same song later recalls water from the rock in the wilderness (32:13, echoing Exodus 17:6 and Numbers 20:8-11) — the Rock wasn’t only something to stand on, it was something that provided, split open at Moses’s command to give a dying people water. Stability and provision from the same source. Paul later reads that wilderness rock as a picture of Christ himself (1 Corinthians 10:4) — steadiness that also sustains, not steadiness that just sits there.

    Something in you has to actually stand on it. A rock does you no good as an idea. Psalm 18:2 layers on “my rock, my fortress, my deliverer” — the same title, but personal, chosen, leaned on. Deuteronomy 32 describes the Rock in the abstract; the difference between that and Psalm 18 is one man’s weight actually resting on him.

    Next to a refiner’s fire — patient exposure until what’s underneath is clear — this image answers something different: not what happens while you’re being changed, but what you stand on while it happens. The fire does the refining. The Rock is what doesn’t move under your feet while it does.

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    Fortress and Shield

    “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2, ESV

    David piles up nearly every protective image he has in a single verse — rock, fortress, deliverer, refuge, shield, stronghold — and this psalm isn’t written from safety. Its heading says it’s from the day the Lord delivered David “from the hand of all his enemies, and from the hand of Saul.” This is a man looking back at years of being hunted, stacking up every word for safety he can find, because one word wasn’t enough to hold what he’d actually lived through.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    A fortress and a shield protect differently. A fortress is fixed — walls you retreat inside, stationary, the same tomorrow as today. A shield moves with you — carried into whatever’s happening right now, angled toward whatever’s coming at you in the moment. David reaches for both because he needed both: the wilderness caves he hid in for years (1 Samuel 22-24), and the immediate blade-by-blade protection of active pursuit. Some threats need somewhere to run to. Others need something in your hand right now.

    Piled up, not chosen one at a time. The sheer stacking of images in verse 2 — six or seven protective words back to back — isn’t redundant. It’s what it sounds like when one metaphor genuinely isn’t enough. David isn’t carefully selecting the single best word for what God was to him during those years. He’s reaching for all of them at once, because the danger had come from that many directions.

    Written after, not during. Like Jehovah-Jireh, this psalm is composed on the other side of the danger, not in the middle of still not knowing. David can catalog exactly what God was to him during the hunted years because he survived them and has the distance now to name it. Some of these titles you can only fully write once you’re not still running.

    Shield of what, specifically. Psalm 18:30 later says “he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him” — the shield isn’t automatic or generic. It’s specifically for the ones who’ve stopped trying to protect themselves and moved under his instead. A shield you’re still holding yourself isn’t the same as a shield you’ve taken refuge behind.

    Next to the Rock — steadiness under your feet — these images answer something more active: not just what doesn’t move while you stand on it, but what actually moves between you and whatever’s still coming.

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    Refuge

    “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1, ESV

    The psalm goes on to picture the earth giving way, mountains falling into the sea, waters roaring — total collapse, the kind of imagery reserved for when nothing solid is left standing. And it opens with this line before any of that chaos is described, as if refuge has to be established first, or the collapse that follows would be unbearable to even look at.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Refuge isn’t the absence of the storm. Psalm 46 doesn’t promise the earth won’t shake — it describes the shaking in vivid detail (46:2-3) and says God is refuge in the middle of it, not instead of it. This is different from Jehovah-Jireh’s ram in the thicket, where the danger was removed. Refuge doesn’t always mean the threat goes away. It means there’s somewhere real to stand while it’s still happening.

    A very present help — not a help you have to locate. The Hebrew behind “very present” carries the sense of something found readily, close at hand, not distant or requiring a search. Refuge that’s hard to find in the moment of crisis isn’t much refuge at all. This is help positioned to already be there before the trouble arrives, not summoned after.

    “Be still, and know” comes later in the same psalm. Verse 10 — “Be still, and know that I am God” — only makes sense in light of verse 1. Stillness in the middle of mountains falling into the sea isn’t naivety; it’s only possible because refuge has already been established as fact, not hope. You can’t tell someone to be still in chaos unless something underneath them is actually solid.

    Refuge implies you ran somewhere. Unlike the Rock, which you can stand on without moving, refuge is a place you go — which means it assumes movement, urgency, maybe even flight. The image doesn’t describe someone calmly resting. It describes someone getting somewhere safe because staying where they were wasn’t survivable. That’s a very different posture than the Rock’s steadiness — refuge is for the ones who had to run.

    Next to fortress and shield — protection actively deployed against what’s coming — this image is quieter, more like exhale than defense: not what fights on your behalf, but where you finally get to stop running once you’ve made it there.

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    Shepherd

    “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.” Psalm 23:1-2, ESV

    David wrote this one from experience, not metaphor — he’d actually been a shepherd, out with the flock before he was ever a king, before he faced Goliath, before any of it. When he reaches for shepherd as an image of God, he’s not borrowing a picture from someone else’s trade. He’s describing, from the inside, exactly what the job requires.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Shepherding is daily and unglamorous, not occasional and dramatic. Rock, fortress, refuge, man of war — these are mostly images for crisis moments, the big rescues. A shepherd’s work is different: leading to pasture, finding water, walking the same ground every day whether anything dangerous is happening or not. Psalm 23 isn’t describing a single deliverance. It’s describing an entire ordinary life, tended to continuously.

    He leads before he protects. The psalm’s order matters — green pastures and still waters (23:2) come before “the valley of the shadow of death” (23:4). Provision and rest are established as the normal condition; the valley is the exception that gets walked through, not the baseline. A shepherd’s first job isn’t fighting off wolves. It’s making sure the sheep are fed and not thirsty in the first place.

    “I shall not want” is a claim about sufficiency, not luxury. It doesn’t say I’ll have everything I might wish for. It says nothing I actually need will be missing — which is a very different, much more grounded promise. Sheep don’t need much. They need a shepherd who knows exactly what that little bit is and doesn’t withhold it.

    Rod and staff — correction and rescue in the same hand. Verse 4 names both tools a shepherd carried: the rod to fight off predators, the staff with its crook to pull a sheep back from a ledge or out of a thicket it wandered into on its own. Same shepherd, same hand, whether the danger is coming from outside or from the sheep’s own wandering. That’s worth sitting with for anyone whose worst danger has, at different times, been both.

    Next to refuge — someplace you run to when you can’t stay where you were — this image is different in kind: not a place you flee to once in crisis, but someone who was already walking the whole road with you, long before the valley, and stays after it.

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    The Rock of Ages

    “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” Isaiah 26:4, ESV

    The King James rendering — “the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength,” margin note “rock of ages” — is where the phrase most people know actually comes from, later borrowed as the title of a hymn. But the verse itself is a command before it’s a comfort: “trust in the Lord forever,” and only then, the reason why. The rock isn’t offered first. Trust is asked for first, and the rock is given as the grounds for it.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Forever trust needs a forever rock. The verse doesn’t just say trust him — it says trust him forever, and immediately backs that up with a God who is himself everlasting. It would be a strange command otherwise: asking for endless trust in something that might not last as long as the trusting does. The durability of the rock is what makes the length of the trust reasonable to ask for.

    It sits inside a song about a strong city. Isaiah 26 opens, “We have a strong city; he sets up salvation as walls and bulwarks” (26:1) — the everlasting rock isn’t a private, individual comfort here. It’s civic, communal, something an entire people can build a city’s foundation on and trust to hold generations, not just one lifetime.

    Age, not just age-lessness. “Ages” implies the plural — not one long unbroken now, but era after era, each with its own trials, and the rock outlasting every one of them individually. Whatever collapsed in one age didn’t take the rock down with it. That’s a different claim than simple permanence; it’s permanence tested across multiple, different kinds of failure and disaster, and still standing after all of them.

    The hymn outlived the verse’s original context, the way the rock is described as outlasting everything else. Written centuries after Isaiah, “Rock of Ages” the hymn took this image and made it about personal refuge in Christ specifically — “let me hide myself in thee.” The image proved durable enough to be picked up again, in an entirely different age, and still say exactly what it said the first time.

    Next to the Rock in Deuteronomy 32 — steadiness under one man’s weight in one lifetime — this name stretches the same image across every age there’s ever been or will be. Not just what doesn’t move under you. What hasn’t moved under anyone, in any era, yet.

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    Father

    “Pray then like this: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.’” Matthew 6:9, ESV

    Jesus doesn’t offer this as one option among many ways to address God. He hands it to the disciples as the model — when they ask him to teach them to pray, this is where he starts. Of everything God could be called, this is the word Jesus puts first in his own mouth, and then puts in ours.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Given, not just described. Every name so far has been something God revealed about himself or something someone else said about him. This one is different — Jesus doesn’t just tell us God is a father. He teaches us to actually call him that, out loud, ourselves. It moves from description to address. Not “he is like a father” but “say ‘our Father.’”

    Ours, not just his. “Our Father” — plural, shared, before it’s ever personal. Whatever this relationship is, it isn’t a private arrangement between God and one favored son. Every person who prays this prayer is claiming the same father at the same time, which makes every other person praying it, in some sense, family.

    A father you can trust with hallowing, not fear. The very next phrase — “hallowed be your name” — sits right beside “Father” without any tension in the text. Reverence and closeness aren’t opposites here. You can hold both at once: near enough to call him Father, high enough to still hallow his name.

    The word itself can be complicated before it can be healing. “Father” isn’t a neutral word for everyone who hears it. For some, it carries warmth automatically. For others, it has to be relearned, sometimes painfully, before it can mean what Jesus intends it to mean. That’s not a flaw in the name — it’s part of why it matters so much that God chose this word deliberately, knowing exactly how loaded a word “father” would be for people who’d had it broken.

    Luke’s version adds a single word that changes everything: “Abba.” Luke 11:2 and Romans 8:15 both preserve the Aramaic — the same intimate word a small child would use, closer to “Papa” than the formal “Father.” Paul says it’s the Spirit himself crying that word in us (Romans 8:15). Not just permission to call him Father. An instinct planted in you to.

    Next to the Rock of Ages — steadiness across every era — this name is the one that finally makes all that steadiness personal. Not just enduring. Enduring, and yours to call on by name.

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    Potter, and We the Clay

    “But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.” Isaiah 64:8, ESV

    This verse comes near the end of a long communal lament — Isaiah crying out over a people scattered, a nation that’s wandered, sin piled up like a filthy garment (64:6). It’s not spoken from a place of confidence. It’s spoken from the bottom, and the potter image is what the prophet reaches for once every other argument has run out.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    It follows “we have all become like one who is unclean.” Isaiah 64:6, right before this verse, is about as low as the confession gets — “all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.” The potter image isn’t introduced at a moment of strength. It’s introduced the moment after admitting there’s nothing left to bring to the relationship except what he was made from in the first place.

    Father and potter, in the same breath. Isaiah doesn’t choose between the intimate name and the working image — he uses both at once: “you are our Father… you are our potter.” The clay doesn’t get shaped by an indifferent craftsman. It gets shaped by the same one who claims it as family.

    Clay doesn’t get to dictate the shape. This is the harder edge of the image, and Isaiah doesn’t soften it — being the clay means the potter’s hands decide the form, not the material’s preference. Paul picks up this same picture later, more pointedly: “Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’” (Romans 9:20). There’s a real humility required here that other images on this list don’t ask for quite as directly.

    But also: clay that was shapeless without him. The flip side of not getting to dictate the shape is that the shape wouldn’t exist at all without the potter’s hands. Clay on its own is just formless material — the potter isn’t just correcting a design you’d have preferred. He’s the entire reason there’s a design at all. Being shaped isn’t a loss of self. For clay, it’s the only way a self happens.

    “We are all the work of your hand” — plural, again. Like “Our Father,” this isn’t a private image. The whole community is clay together, on the same wheel, shaped by the same hands — which means whatever you’re becoming, you’re not becoming it alone.

    Next to Father — the name that made everything personal — this image adds the part personal language can sometimes skip past: being loved as family doesn’t mean being finished. It means still being shaped, hands still on the wheel, by someone who already calls you his.

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    A Mother Comforting Her Child

    “As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66:13, ESV

    This is one of the tenderest lines in the whole list, and it arrives near the very end of Isaiah, after chapters of judgment, exile, and warning. The book that opened with “hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth, for the Lord has spoken” (1:2) — courtroom language, an indictment — closes with a mother pulling a child into her lap.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Simile, not just metaphor. Most of these images say God is something — Rock, Shepherd, Father. This one is phrased as comparison: “as one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.” God isn’t claiming to literally be a mother the way he’s claimed to be Father elsewhere. He’s saying the comfort he gives works the specific way a mother’s comfort works — which is its own kind of care, distinct from a father’s, and worth naming on its own terms rather than folding into “Father” and leaving it there.

    Comfort, specifically, not correction. So much of this list has been about strength, justice, refining, fighting. This image doesn’t ask anything of you in the moment it’s given. A mother comforting a child isn’t teaching a lesson or building character right then — she’s just holding what hurts. Scripture makes room for a version of God whose only movement in a given moment is comfort, full stop, nothing else required of you.

    It follows the most maternal image in the chapter. Isaiah 66:13 doesn’t stand alone — verse 12 pictures Jerusalem’s restoration as being “carried on her hip, and bounced on her knees,” and earlier in the chapter, verse 9, God asks “shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?” — labor and delivery, applied to God himself. This isn’t a stray maternal image tucked into an otherwise fatherly book. Isaiah builds toward it across several verses.

    You shall be comforted — not “you might be,” not “if you’re strong enough to receive it.” The promise is stated flatly, without condition. Comfort here isn’t earned by having handled the exile well, or having grieved correctly. It’s simply promised, the way a mother doesn’t wait for a child to stop crying correctly before picking them up.

    Next to Potter and clay — being shaped, hands still on the wheel — this image is the exhale after: not what happens while you’re being formed, but what happens when the forming has hurt, and someone holds what’s still tender without asking anything else of it yet.

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    Light

    “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5, ESV

    John doesn’t say God is in the light, or walks in the light, the way the next verses will describe how we’re meant to live. He says God is light — an identity claim, not a location. And he adds the qualifier immediately, in case anyone missed the force of it: no darkness at all, none, not mixed in even a little.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    No darkness at all — total, not mostly. The verse doesn’t say God is mostly light with some shadow, or light that has a dark side worth managing carefully. It insists on completeness. This matters directly for the section already written on consuming fire — a God who is light without any darkness in him is the same God nothing false can survive contact with. The two images are doing the same work from different angles.

    The verse right after is about what this means for us, not just him. 1 John 1:6 immediately turns the identity claim into a test: “If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie.” The light isn’t just a fact about God to admire from a distance. It’s the standard the very next verse holds our own walking against.

    Exposure that leads to fellowship, not shame. Keep reading — 1 John 1:7 says walking in the light is what makes fellowship with each other possible, and 1:9 promises that confession, brought into that light, gets forgiveness and cleansing, not exposure for its own sake. Light here isn’t a spotlight meant to humiliate what it reveals. It’s what makes actual honesty, and actual forgiveness, possible in the first place — the very thing named in the consuming fire section as what makes it safe to stop hiding.

    Psalm 27:1 makes it personal and practical. “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” David isn’t reflecting on light as a doctrine — he’s using it as the reason fear doesn’t have the last word. Light here isn’t only about exposure. It’s also simply what you can see by, what makes the next step visible when everything around you is dark.

    Next to a mother’s comfort — tenderness that asks nothing of you yet — this image circles back toward the consuming fire’s demand for honesty, but reframes it: not fire that burns away what’s false, but light that was never dark enough for anything false to hide in to begin with.

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    Love

    “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8, ESV

    Same John, same construction as “God is light” — not “God is loving,” not “God has love,” but is. By the time this letter reaches this verse, John has already used the identity claim once for light. He uses it again here, for love, and the two turn out to be the same move: not describing an attribute God happens to possess, but naming the substance he’s made of.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Love as the test of actually knowing him, not just believing in him. “Anyone who does not love does not know God” is a hard, almost uncomfortable line — John isn’t offering love as one nice trait among God’s others. He’s saying you can claim all the right doctrine and still not know him, if love isn’t actually present. Knowledge of God, in this letter, isn’t primarily intellectual. It shows up as fruit or it isn’t real.

    Definition before demonstration. The very next verses don’t stay abstract — “in this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world” (4:9). John doesn’t let “God is love” float as a nice-sounding phrase. He grounds it immediately in an actual, costly, historical act. Love here isn’t a feeling God has. It’s a thing God did.

    It’s the last identity claim in the list, and maybe the one the others were pointing toward. Consuming fire, jealous, man of war, judge — these can sound, on their own, like a different God than “Father” or “a mother comforting her child.” But 1 John says love isn’t competing with the harder images on this list, it’s underneath all of them. The fire that won’t let anything false persist, the jealousy that grieves misplaced devotion, the justice Abraham could reason with — none of it reads the same once you know the one doing it is, at the root, love and nothing else.

    “We love because he first loved us” (4:19). The love isn’t a response to anything we brought. It’s not owed to us because of Sinai obedience or Levite refining or being good clay under the potter’s hands. It came first, unprompted, the same way sufficiency came to a childless man and comfort came to a grieving nation — always the initiating move, never the reward for doing enough first.

    Next to light — no darkness at all — this sits underneath every name on the list so far, all the way back to imago Dei. Made in the image of a God who is love means the thing stamped into you before you did anything to earn or damage it wasn’t neutral material. It was love, shaping love, into something built to love back.

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    King of Kings and Lord of Lords

    “On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.” Revelation 19:16, ESV

    This title arrives at the end of the story, not the beginning — Revelation 19, the rider on the white horse, robe dipped in blood, coming to make war on everything still opposed to him. Paul uses the same phrase earlier, calling God “the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality” (1 Timothy 6:15-16) — but it’s Revelation where the title stops being descriptive and becomes something written, visibly, on a body.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Written on him, not just said about him. Every other title in this list is spoken, sung, or declared — Moses sang it, Isaiah wrote it, David prayed it. This one is inscribed directly on his robe and thigh, part of him rather than a claim made from outside. By the time Revelation reaches this point, the title isn’t an argument anymore. It’s simply visible.

    Kings and lords, plural, both of them. The phrase doesn’t just say he outranks the king or the lord — it says king of kings, lord of lords. Every human throne, every earthly authority that ever claimed ultimate power over anyone, answers to this one. It’s the same logic as El Elyon, God Most High, outranking every rival — but pushed to its final, total form. Nothing left uncovered.

    It comes after everything else has already been tried. By Revelation 19, the story has moved through empires, persecution, false authorities claiming worship that wasn’t theirs to claim. The title isn’t given in a vacuum — it’s given as the final word after every pretender has had its turn and failed to hold. Whatever else claimed to be king along the way, this is what was actually true the entire time.

    Alone has immortality, per Paul’s version of the phrase. 1 Timothy 6:16 continues past the title itself: “who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light.” Every other king dies. Every other lord’s reign ends. This is the one title on the whole list explicitly marked as belonging to someone who cannot be succeeded, replaced, or outlasted by anyone.

    Next to Love — the substance underneath every harder name on this list — this title answers a different question: not what he’s made of, but what actually has final say. Love is the root. King of kings is the guarantee that nothing else gets the last word over it.

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    The Alpha and Omega

    “‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ says the Lord God, ‘who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.’” Revelation 1:8, ESV

    This title opens Revelation before the visions even start — the very first thing said about God once John begins recording what he’s seen. Alpha and Omega, first and last letters of the Greek alphabet, the entire range of language collapsed into two letters standing for everything in between.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Every letter in between is implied. Alpha to Omega isn’t just “beginning and end” as two isolated points — it’s shorthand for the whole alphabet, every word that could ever be spelled with it. The claim isn’t just that God stands at the start and the finish. It’s that everything expressible in between belongs to him too — nothing exists outside the range those two letters bracket.

    Who is and who was and who is to come — three tenses held at once. The verse doesn’t stop at Alpha and Omega. It immediately unpacks the title into past, present, and future in a single breath. This is the same self-existence carried by I AM WHO I AM, but stretched now across the entire span of time rather than declared in a single burning-bush moment. Not just present tense at the start of the story. Present tense in every tense there is.

    Repeated at the very end, closing the loop. Revelation 22:13 says it again, almost word for word, near the book’s final verses: “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” The title that opens the book is the same one that closes it — the whole of Revelation, visions of judgment and a new heaven and earth in between, is bracketed by the same two letters it started with.

    The Almighty, attached in the same breath. Revelation 1:8 doesn’t leave the title standing alone — it closes with “the Almighty,” echoing El Shaddai from all the way back near the start of this list. The God who was sufficient for one exhausted, childless man at ninety-nine is the same one who holds every letter of every age from beginning to end.

    Next to King of kings — final authority over every rival throne — this title answers something even more total: not just who has the last word politically, but who holds every point on the timeline itself, start to finish, with nothing before the Alpha and nothing after the Omega.

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    The Ancient of Days

    “As I looked, thrones were placed, and the Ancient of Days took his seat; his clothing was white as snow, and the hair of his head like pure wool.” Daniel 7:9, ESV

    Daniel sees this in a night vision, in the middle of watching four terrifying beasts rise out of a churning sea — kingdom after kingdom, each one more violent than the last. And then, right in the middle of that chaos, the scene cuts to a throne room: someone impossibly old taking his seat, calm, robed in white, while the beasts are still raging just outside the frame.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    The name shows up inside the worst part of the vision, not after it. Daniel doesn’t see the Ancient of Days after the beasts are dealt with — the throne is set up while the fourth beast is still boasting and making war on the saints (7:8, 21). Age and authority aren’t held in reserve until the danger passes. The throne room scene runs concurrent with the chaos, not after it.

    Old age here means the opposite of frailty. In ordinary experience, ancient usually implies fading — weaker, closer to the end. Here it’s inverted: the older this figure is, the more settled and unshakeable the authority looks. White hair, white robe — purity and permanence read through the image of age, not decline through it.

    The court sits, and the books are opened. Verse 10 continues the scene — “the court sat in judgment, and the books were opened.” This isn’t decorative imagery. It’s a courtroom, mid-session, actively weighing what the beasts have done, while they’re still doing it. The same justice Abraham argued for at Sodom shows up again here, except this time the judge isn’t being persuaded — he’s already seated, already ruling.

    Daniel 7:13-14 hands the kingdom to “one like a son of man.” Right after the Ancient of Days is described, the vision shifts — an everlasting kingdom is given to a second figure, “one like a son of man,” who approaches the Ancient of Days and receives dominion that will never be destroyed. Later readers, including Jesus himself applying “son of man” to his own identity, saw this scene as one of the clearest Old Testament pictures of the relationship between the Father and the Son.

    Next to Alpha and Omega — holding every point on the timeline — this image is more particular: not just existing across all of time, but seated, present, ruling from a throne, while the worst of history is still actively happening around it.

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    Holy One of Israel

    “Woe to me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips… for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts… Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.” Isaiah 6:5, 3, ESV

    The title itself — “Holy One of Israel” — becomes almost Isaiah’s signature name for God, used more than two dozen times across the book, more than anywhere else in Scripture. But it’s rooted in this one moment, chapter 6: Isaiah in the temple, seeing God high and lifted up, seraphim calling “holy, holy, holy” back and forth, and Isaiah’s own immediate response isn’t awe. It’s terror at his own uncleanness.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    Holy, said three times. The seraphim don’t say it once. Ancient Hebrew often used repetition for emphasis, but triple repetition — holy, holy, holy — is unique to this vision, the highest possible intensity the language has. Whatever holiness means here, it’s not a mild or ordinary trait among God’s others. It’s the one word the vision insists on saying three times before saying anything else.

    Holiness exposes before it does anything else. Isaiah doesn’t respond to seeing God’s holiness with admiration. He responds with “woe to me… I am a man of unclean lips” (6:5) — an immediate, involuntary recognition of exactly what’s wrong with him, the moment real holiness enters the room. This is the same movement as the consuming fire and the light with no darkness in it: proximity to what’s genuinely holy doesn’t let anything false stay comfortable.

    But the vision doesn’t end with exposure. A seraph takes a burning coal from the altar and touches Isaiah’s lips: “your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for” (6:7). Holiness here isn’t a wall keeping the unclean out permanently. It’s the very thing that, once it exposes what’s wrong, moves immediately to deal with it. Exposure and cleansing happen in the same scene, seconds apart.

    “Of Israel” — holiness that stays attached to a particular, ordinary people. This is the detail that makes the title distinct from just “the Holy One” in the abstract. It’s holiness bound specifically to a covenant people who, across the rest of Isaiah, keep failing, wandering, and needing correction. The name doesn’t pull away from that relationship because of the holiness. It stays named after them anyway.

    Isaiah’s answer, right after the coal touches his lips: “Here am I. Send me.” The sequence matters — the call to go doesn’t come before the cleansing. It comes right after, once shame is already dealt with. Holiness that exposes a man’s uncleanness and then equips him to speak, in the very next breath.

    Next to the Ancient of Days — seated authority ruling through the middle of chaos — this title turns the same weight inward, toward purity rather than power: not just what he rules over, but what happens to anything unclean that gets close enough to actually see him.

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    The Word

    “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1, ESV

    John opens his gospel echoing Genesis on purpose — “in the beginning” is the same phrase that opens the whole Bible. But where Genesis 1 begins with God speaking creation into existence (“let there be light”), John reaches back behind even that moment and says the Word himself was already there, already God, before the first word of creation was ever spoken.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    With God, and was God — both at once. The verse doesn’t simplify this into one claim or the other. The Word is distinct enough to be with God, and identical enough to be God. John doesn’t resolve the tension; he states both halves in the same breath and lets them stand together, the same way Genesis 1:26’s “let us” hinted at plurality within God without explaining it further.

    Speech, before anything spoken. Throughout Genesis 1, creation happens by God speaking — “and God said.” John’s claim is that the Word wasn’t just the content of that speech, but was already present as its own person before any of it was uttered. The very means by which everything else came to exist was, itself, already there, unmade, prior to making.

    “The Word became flesh” — verse 14, a few lines later. John doesn’t leave this abstract for long. The same Word that was with God in the beginning “became flesh and dwelt among us” — the most philosophical opening in the New Testament resolves, within fourteen verses, into an actual body, walking among actual people. Immanuel, named back at Isaiah, finally has skin on.

    A name that makes every other name legible. If the Word is how God has always communicated himself — first in creation, finally in flesh — then every title on this entire list is, in some sense, an utterance of the same Word: I AM WHO I AM, spoken. El Shaddai, spoken. Consuming fire, spoken. The Word isn’t one name added to a list. It’s closer to the means by which all the others were ever said at all.

    Next to Holy One of Israel — holiness that exposes and then cleanses — this name reaches back further than any title so far: not what God does or how he responds, but the very act of self-expression underneath everything he’s ever said or done, present before the first “let there be” was spoken.

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    Living Water

    “For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:13, ESV

    Jeremiah’s version of this image is an indictment before it’s an invitation — God isn’t offering living water here so much as grieving that it was already available and rejected in favor of something that doesn’t even work. Two evils in one verse: leaving the fountain, and the exhausting substitute they built instead, cracked, unable to hold what it was dug for.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    A fountain, not a cistern. The contrast Jeremiah draws is exact: a fountain is a moving, self-replenishing source; a cistern is a dug pit that only holds what’s poured into it, and cracks eventually. God as fountain of living water means a source that doesn’t run dry from being drawn on, versus every substitute — cisterns “hewn out,” effortful, man-made — that can crack and leak out everything you worked to store in it. Addiction, old coping mechanisms, whatever’s been dug out by hand over years, drains no matter how carefully it was built.

    Forsaken, not simply lacking. Jeremiah doesn’t say Israel never had access to living water. He says they forsook it — walked away from a source that was there, in favor of building something worse themselves. This isn’t a story about scarcity. It’s a story about trading a real source for a fabricated one, by choice, and then being surprised the fabricated one doesn’t hold.

    Jesus picks up the same image at an actual well. John 4, the woman at the well in Samaria — Jesus tells her, “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again… a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (4:14). Same fountain-versus-cistern logic Jeremiah used centuries earlier, except now offered directly, personally, to one specific woman who’d already tried several cisterns of her own (4:16-18) and found every one of them cracked.

    Springing up, not stored. Jesus’s language goes further than Jeremiah’s — not just an external fountain you keep returning to draw from, but water that becomes “a spring… welling up” from inside the person who receives it. The living water doesn’t just replace the broken cistern. It relocates the source entirely, from something you have to keep digging and returning to, to something already welling up from within.

    Next to the Word — self-expression underneath everything God has ever said — this image turns toward sustenance: not what God speaks, but what he actually supplies to a soul that’s tried every broken cistern and come up empty every time.

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    Bread of Life

    “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.’” John 6:35, ESV

    This comes the day after Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fish. The crowd follows him across the lake the next morning, still thinking about the meal, and Jesus redirects them immediately: “you seek me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves” (6:26). The bread they wanted more of was never the point. He was.

    A few threads worth holding together:

    It follows manna, on purpose. The crowd brings up manna themselves — “our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness” (6:31) — expecting Jesus to top Moses with something even more impressive. Jesus reframes it entirely: manna kept people alive one day at a time, and everyone who ate it still eventually died (6:49). “I am the bread of life,” by contrast, isn’t food that sustains the body a little longer. It’s food that ends the hunger it’s answering altogether.

    Shall not hunger, shall never thirst — bread and living water, in the same verse. John pairs the two images explicitly here, the way Isaiah paired Father and potter. This isn’t a new idea introduced separately from Jeremiah’s fountain or the woman at the well — it’s the same hunger, the same thirst, finally given a name and a face standing in front of the people asking.

    “I am,” again. This is the first of several “I am” statements in John’s gospel — bread of life, light of the world, the vine, the good shepherd — each one deliberately echoing the name given to Moses at the burning bush. Every image on this entire list, all the way back to I AM WHO I AM, converges here: self-existence taking the shape of an actual loaf, offered to an actual crowd, on an actual morning.

    Come and believe, not just eat. Verse 35 ties “come to me” and “believe in me” to the hunger and thirst being satisfied — not a magic food that works automatically, but a person who has to actually be approached and trusted. The same posture asked of Abraham with El Shaddai, of the woman at the well with living water, is asked here too: not performance, just coming.

    This is the last name on the list — and it closes the loop all the way back to the beginning. Made in the image of a God who is love, who is light, who is the Word behind everything spoken, who was already the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob before he ever said I AM WHO I AM, who finally becomes bread a hungry crowd can actually eat. Every name on this list turned out to be the same one, said a different way. And the man standing at the beginning of this whole piece — not majestic, not enough, made of nothing but wreckage he could see — turns out to be the same clay the potter never stopped calling his own, still being fed, still being refined, still, somehow, made in the image of exactly this.

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  • The Fear of the Lord: A Study

    A lesson for personal study or group discussion


    Why This Study

    “Fear of God” is one of those phrases that sounds like it belongs to a different era — like something you’d expect from a hellfire sermon, not from a life of trust and love. But Scripture keeps circling back to it, calling it the beginning of wisdom, the beginning of knowledge, and the whole duty of man. Something that foundational is worth slowing down for.

    This study is organized in five movements. Work through them in order — each one builds on the last.


    I. The Foundation: Fear of the Lord Is the Beginning

    Start here, because everything else in the study depends on getting this first move right.

    Proverbs 1:7 — “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

    Proverbs 9:10 — “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.”

    Job 28:28 — “And he said to man, ‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to turn away from evil is understanding.’”

    Psalm 111:10 — “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!”

    Study questions:

    • If fear of the Lord is the beginning, what does that imply about trying to build wisdom, discernment, or maturity without it first?
    • Notice the pairing in Job 28:28 — fear of the Lord is wisdom, and departing from evil is understanding. What’s the relationship between reverence and moral clarity?

    II. What Kind of Fear? Distinguishing Terror from Reverence

    This is the hinge of the whole study. Scripture uses “fear” for two very different postures — one that drives you away, and one that draws you close.

    1 John 4:18 — “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

    Psalm 34:7, 9 — “The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them… Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack!”

    Psalm 103:11, 13, 17 — “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him… As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him… But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children,”

    Psalm 25:14 — “The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.”

    Study questions:

    • 1 John 4:18 seems to contradict the wisdom books at first glance — how can “perfect love casts out fear” sit alongside “fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”? What’s the difference between the fear that gets cast out and the fear that gets commended?
    • Notice how often “fear of the Lord” in the Psalms sits right next to mercy, pity, covenant, and secrets shared between friends. Does that match your gut instinct of what “fear” means?
    • Try replacing “fear the Lord” with “stand in reverent awe before the Lord” in each verse above. Does the meaning sharpen?

    III. Fear of the Lord as Moral Posture

    If the fear of the Lord isn’t terror, what does it actually produce in a life? Scripture answers: hatred of evil, humility, and obedience.

    Proverbs 8:13 — “The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate.”

    Proverbs 16:6 — “By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.”

    Proverbs 22:4 — “The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life.”

    Ecclesiastes 12:13 — “The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.”

    Deuteronomy 10:12 “And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul,”

    Study questions:

    • Deuteronomy 10:12 links fear, walking in his ways, and love in the same breath, as though they’re not competing postures but one integrated posture. What does that suggest about the false choice between “fear God” and “love God”?
    • Where in your own life does fear of the Lord currently produce moral seriousness — and where has it quietly gone missing, replaced by something more casual?

    IV. The Blessings Given to Those Who Fear Him

    The wisdom writers keep stacking up promises attached specifically to this posture. Read these slowly, one at a time.

    Psalm 128:1 — “Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,
        who walks in his ways!”

    Psalm 112:1 — “Praise the Lord! Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in his commandments!”

    Proverbs 14:26–27 — “In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death.”

    Proverbs 19:23 — “The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm.”

    Psalm 147:11 — “but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love.”

    Study questions:

    • “Strong confidence” and “a fountain of life” are not the language of dread. What would it look like for reverence toward God to produce confidence in you, rather than anxiety?
    • Psalm 147:11 pairs fearing him with hoping in his mercy — as if they’re the same movement seen from two angles. Does that match your own experience, or does it feel like a stretch?

    V. The Fear of the Lord in the New Testament

    The theme doesn’t disappear after the Gospels — it gets clarified and, in some ways, intensified.

    Matthew 10:28 — “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.”

    Philippians 2:12 — “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,”

    Acts 9:31 — “So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied.”

    2 Corinthians 7:1 — “Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God”

    Hebrews 12:28–29 — “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”

    Study questions:

    • Acts 9:31 places “walking in the fear of the Lord” directly beside “the comfort of the Holy Ghost” — not in tension, but in the same sentence, describing the same church. What does that tell you about how the early church held these together?
    • Hebrews 12:28–29 calls for reverence and godly fear specifically because we’ve received an unshakeable kingdom — not despite it. Sit with that sequence: security first, then reverence. Which direction have you usually assumed it runs?

    Closing Reflection

    Read back through the five movements and notice the shape of the whole:

    1. Fear of the Lord is where understanding begins — not a phase you graduate out of.
    2. It is not the fear that torments, but the fear that draws near — reverent awe, not terror.
    3. It produces a hatred of evil and a walk of obedience.
    4. It carries with it confidence, refuge, and life — not anxiety.
    5. The early church walked in it and in comfort, at the same time, without contradiction.

    Where has “fear of God” functioned in your life as dread — something to manage or avoid? And where might it actually be closer to what these verses describe: the trembling awe of finally standing in front of something real, something worth trusting completely?


    The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else. “Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord”;…  The Highest Good—The Pilgrim’s Song Book, 537 L

  • Triggers


    As I continue to practice gratitude I have been becoming more aware of fear. Not the big kind. The small, stupid kind. The kind that’s been running my life longer than I want to admit.

    I’ve been studying this phrase in Scripture — “the fear of the Lord” — and I am trying to wrap my head around it. The Bible says that’s the beginning of wisdom. Not the middle, not the end. The starting point. And the fear it’s talking about isn’t terror. It’s awe. It’s what happens when you finally stand in front of something that big, that real, that trustworthy, and you go quiet.

    Here’s the problem. That’s not the fear that’s actually been running my nervous system. It’s the everyday situations out of my control that I tend to treat like whack a mole and try to fix, piled on overwhelmingly by the greater challenges. My wife wants to remodel, travel, upgrade something. My kid blows up my truck. The employee is a no show. The customer breaks down the same day he picks up his bike. Everyday life things that I can’t control. Often blessings that seem to overwhelm, tainted by perspective.

    And when I finally saw it clearly — I mean really saw it — the question that hit me wasn’t “why am I afraid.” It was: why haven’t I trusted? Why did I hold back, get defensive, get sarcastic, go silent, go hard — over something that, when you hold it up next to the size of God, is basically nothing? Absolute silliness. That’s the word that kept coming to me. Silliness.

    I think a lot of us came into recovery trained. Not intentional lessons. But somewhere back there, most of us learned that certain spaces were dangerous. Certain tones of voice meant prepare. Certain questions meant you were about to get humiliated. And the body doesn’t forget that. It just keeps firing the same alarm for the rest of your life, at completely different people, in completely different places, who have nothing to do with where it started.

    That’s the fear I’ve been living out of, as if surrounded by enemies when the prospect of intimacy arises. Not reverence. Reactivity. And it’s exhausting, because it’s aimed at ghosts.

    So here’s what I’m sitting with this week, and what I want to leave with you because I think this one doesn’t expire. What if the fear that’s supposed to anchor us — this “fear of God” thing — isn’t one more threat added on top of all the ones we’re already flinching from? What if it’s actually the thing big enough to put all the small ones in their place? If God is that big, that trustworthy, that much bigger than the guy who cut me off in traffic or the customer who’s disappointed or the sponsee who pushed back — then maybe I don’t have to spend my whole life managing threats that were never real threats to begin with.

    Maybe that’s what it means to work a program. Not “stop being afraid.” I don’t think that’s the goal, and I don’t think it’s possible. Trade what you’re afraid of. Get small enough, honest enough, still enough in front of something actually worthy of awe — and slowly, the small fears lose their grip. Not because you fought them. Because you finally saw how small they actually were.

    I’m still working this out as I embrace the 11th Step. It isn’t finished yet. But I wanted to bring it here instead of waiting until I did, because most of the real stuff that’s changed me happened in honest, reflective contemplation—before I understood it completely.

    Thanks for reading.


  • Just a Survivor

    For years I carried a quiet question around with me, one I didn’t say out loud much. I’d watch my own mind do what it does — the control, the fear, the need to manage everything and everyone, the way I could build an identity out of being needed, being right, being the one holding it together — and I’d wonder: what is wrong with me? Sometimes the question got specific. Narcissist? Sociopath? Is this what BPD looks like from the inside?

    I never landed anywhere good with those questions, because I was asking the wrong one.

    Here’s what I’ve come to see instead. All of that — the ego, the fear, the control, the grip on security, the false identity I kept building and feeding without ever quite admitting I was doing it — wasn’t a character flaw with a clinical name. It was armor. It was a kid figuring out how to survive whatever needed surviving, and getting good at it. Don’t talk. Don’t trust. Don’t feel. Nobody hands you a code like that on purpose. You build it out of necessity, and it works — that’s the whole problem with it. It works well enough that you keep using it long after the danger that built it is gone.

    That’s what the “yeah but” was. Not defiance, not stubbornness for its own sake — a reflex. The armor doing its job, protecting against a level of honesty that used to not be safe. I couldn’t even be fully honest with myself about having it, which tells you how deep the training went.

    I spent a long time entertaining every form of selfishness that attitude could dress up as, and calling it something else. Looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. Fooled — genuinely fooled — by a version of myself that felt necessary and turned out to be a costume.

    So when I finally started seeing it clearly, a few years back, the diagnostic questions made a kind of sense. If you’ve spent decades performing self-protection, from the outside — and sometimes from the inside — it can look like something clinical. But it isn’t. A survival strategy isn’t a fixed trait. It’s not who you are. It’s what you did to make it through. Those are two entirely different things, and confusing them cost me a long time.

    I’ve been sitting with fear of God lately — really sitting with it, maybe for the first time in thirty-one years of trying. And here’s where the two threads meet. There’s a fear that’s about protecting a false self — the ego’s fear, the fear underneath the “yeah but,” the fear that’s just the old code running on autopilot. And there’s a fear that has nothing to do with me at all — awe so large it has nowhere to go but out of my mouth. Fear of squandering grace. Fear of putting my eyes on the wrong thing when I’ve already been shown the right one.

    Those two fears can feel identical from the inside if you’re not paying attention. One keeps you small and managed and armored. The other is the beginning of actual freedom.

    I’m not a narcissist. I’m not a sociopath. I don’t have BPD.

    I’m just a survivor, learning — late, and still learning — the difference between the fear that built the armor and the fear that finally lets me take it off.

  • I think the fear of God is Love

    I was sitting under Patrick Detken’s teaching at The Crossing about twenty years ago when something about the nature of God and the vastness of his love landed on me differently than it ever had before. Not new information — I’d heard the theology a thousand times. But something underneath it finally clicked, and what came out of my mouth, quietly, to myself, was: that’s ridiculous. Not ridiculous like unbelievable. Ridiculous like the math doesn’t work, and it’s true anyway. I saw, for a second, how surrounded and embraced and protected my life had actually been. Not managed by me. Not earned by me. Just — held.

    I’ve said “ridiculous” that same way ever since — mostly in small groups, sitting with a pastor and a handful of guys exploring who God is, whenever something true lands too big to hold any other way. I never fully understood what I was naming when I said it. I just knew the word fit.

    This week I finally connected it. And I think the answer is: that was fear of God. Not dread. Awe so large it had nowhere to go but out of my mouth as a kind of protest.

    I was talking with Richard yesterday, and he asked me the question he always asks — where are you at, what’s going on. I told him I was embarking on something new, trying to actually understand what fear of God means, that I’d only just started. He asked the question that stopped both of us: how do you love someone you fear? We sat with it. He offered the obvious answer — love casts out fear — and I could tell it wasn’t landing all the way for either of us. I said, before I’d fully connected it myself, that maybe fear of God is love. He didn’t get it yet, not in a way he could have explained back to me. He will. This is just the naming exercise — putting a word to something I’ve been practicing, badly and well, for thirty-one years without knowing what to call it.

    Here’s what I keep noticing, now that I’m looking for it — those moments aren’t rare. They’re everywhere, and they’re chained together, maybe ordained, in a way I spent decades not letting myself see. The wedding. Madeline saying yes for reasons I still don’t fully understand. The births of my kids. A business built and still standing because customers keep choosing to trust me with something as personal as their motorcycle. Looking out a plane window at pockets of city lights at night and knowing each one represents a thousand lives I’ll never know anything about. The pull of the tide. Standing under the Milky Way somewhere dark enough to actually see it. Watching a mile long freight train and doing the math on how a couple of locomotives are pulling all of that. The rush of hitting 180 miles an hour on something with two wheels. Solving a problem in the shop that had no obvious answer. Fabricating a tool because the one you needed doesn’t exist yet. Taking a risk on faith with no proof it would work, and it working out anyway.

    And underneath all of that — the ordinary miracle nobody clocks as one. A heart that has not stopped beating since before I could form a memory. A stomach turning food into the actual material of being alive. A brain the approximate size of a fist, running on directions I will never see, coordinating a body I mostly ignore until it hurts. None of that is background noise. That’s the same thing as the freight train and the Milky Way, just closer than I usually look.

    Thirty-one years sober. I know the numbers on that — how many people don’t make it through what I made it through, how many don’t get the years I’ve gotten. I didn’t engineer that. Somewhere in there, someone crossed my path and became a person I trusted for reasons I still can’t fully account for, and it mattered more than I understood at the time. None of that was mine to claim credit for. That’s the part I get wrong the most — taking the win, quietly, in the privacy of my own head, instead of naming where it actually came from. Pride does that. It reaches for the trophy before humility even gets a vote.

    So here’s where I’ve landed, at least for today: fear of God isn’t a separate category of religious feeling I need to go looking for. It’s what’s underneath every one of those moments, if I let it be. It’s the fear of squandering grace this obvious. The fear of putting my eyes and attention and affection on the wrong things when I’ve been shown, over and over, what the right thing looks like. It’s the fear of pursuing something false when I already have words for what’s true. Not fearing God isn’t neutral — it’s not just carelessness. Scripture calls it adultery, and it means that literally, not as a figure of speech. It’s affection drifting somewhere else and calling it nothing.

    What fear of God has actually produced in me, on the days I’ve let it, isn’t paralysis. It’s obedience — imperfect, but real, practiced longer than I usually give myself credit for. Resisting temptation. Following direction. The courage to do the right thing regardless of how I feel about it in the moment. It’s ridiculous faith. Ruthless trust.

    I’m afraid to forget this. I know myself well enough to know I will, at least partly, by next week — the ordinary weight of the shop and the phone and everyone’s expectations will close back over it like water. So I’m writing it down. Not as a lesson I’ve mastered. As a marker, so that when the wonder fades — and it will — I’ll have a trail back to the place where I stood at The Crossing and heard myself say that’s ridiculous, and meant it as praise.



    Here is a great talk on the subject

  • The “Yeah, Buts” and the “You Bets”

    There’s an old line in recovery circles: there are two types of people — the “yeah, buts” and the “you bets.” One negotiates with grace. The other just shows up.

    Scripture is full of both. Reading them side by side is a good mirror.

    The “Yeah, Buts”

    Moses at the burning bush (Exodus 3–4) God calls, and Moses answers with a string of objections — who am I to go… what if they don’t believe me… I am slow of speech — and finally, plainly, please send someone else. Five separate “yeah, buts” before his feet move.

    Gideon (Judges 6) An angel calls him a mighty man of valor while he’s hiding in a winepress. His reply: my clan is the weakest, and I am the least in my family. Then he asks for a sign. Then another.

    Jonah His “yeah, but” isn’t even spoken — it’s enacted. God says go east to Nineveh; Jonah books passage west. And after the mercy he resented arrives anyway, he’s angry that God was merciful. Resentful obedience is still a “yeah, but,” just a quieter one.

    Israel in the wilderness (Exodus 16, Numbers 14) Corporate “yeah, but.” Delivered by a parted sea, and within chapters: why did you bring us out here to die — it was better in Egypt. Not one moment of doubt but a pattern, repeated enough that the text just calls it testing God.

    The rich young ruler (Mark 10:17–22) Asks the right question, gets a clear answer, and walks away sorrowful. No argument. The “yeah, but” here is just turning and leaving.

    The man with one talent (Matthew 25:24–25) His excuse is dressed as theology: I knew you to be a hard man, so I was afraid. A false picture of who God is, used to justify staying buried.

    The guests at the banquet (Luke 14:18–20) Not defiance — competing priorities. I’ve bought a field… I’ve bought oxen… I’ve married a wife. Every reason sounds responsible. All of them are refusals.

    The “You Bets”

    Abraham (Genesis 12:1–4) Go from your country… to a land I will show you. No destination given. He goes.

    Isaiah (Isaiah 6:8) Whom shall I send? … Here am I. Send me. Before he even knows what the assignment costs.

    Mary (Luke 1:38) Let it be to me according to your word. Said to a proposal that would upend her entire life, reputation, and plans, with no guarantee anyone would believe her.

    Peter stepping out of the boat (Matthew 14:28–29) Doesn’t ask for a safer way. Asks to be called out onto the water itself.

    The disciples at the net (Matthew 4:18–20) Immediately they left their nets and followed him. No negotiation recorded. Just movement.

    The Line Between Them

    What’s striking reading these together is that the “yeah, buts” aren’t villains. Moses isn’t rebellious. The rich young ruler isn’t wicked — he’s sorrowful. Gideon isn’t a coward by nature; he becomes one of the great judges. The “yeah, but” isn’t usually defiance. It’s self-protection wearing the costume of humility, caution, or realism.

    And the “you bets” aren’t fearless. Abraham lies about Sarah twice. Peter sinks two verses after he steps out. Isaiah has just confessed he’s a man of unclean lips. The difference isn’t confidence — it’s whether the answer comes before the fear is resolved, or waits for it to be.

    That’s the whole distinction, maybe: the “yeah, but” wants certainty first and obedience second. The “you bet” reverses the order.

  • Exploring Love and Kindness

    The following is abridged & adapted from C. S. Lewis’s book “The Problem of Pain,” pages 35-44, & 58.  The parenthetical remarks are mine.


    Are we not in an increasingly cruel age?

    Perhaps we are.

    But I think we have become so in the attempt to reduce all virtues to kindness. Plato rightly taught that virtue is one. You cannot be kind unless you have all of the other virtues as well. If, being cowardly, conceited, slothful, lazy, you have never done a fellow creature great mischief or a great injustice or been cruel and unkind to him, that is only because your neighbor’s welfare has not yet happened to conflict with your safety, self-approval, or ease. Every vice leads to cruelty. Even a good emotion, pity, if not controlled by charity and justice, leads through anger to cruelty.

    By Love, most of us mean kindness—the desire to see others than the self happy. And not happy in this way, or in that; just happy. What most of us mean by God is not so much a Father in Heaven, as a grandfather in heaven—a senile old benevolence who, as they say, liked to see the young people enjoying themselves, and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be said at the end of each day, that a good time was had by all.

    But if God is Love, then He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God. Because He is what He is, His Love must be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already so deeply loves us, He must labor to make us more lovable.

    When Christianity says that God Loves man, it means that God really actively Loves man. Not that he has some disinterested and impartial concern for our welfare, but that in hard to swallow and unbelievable surprising truth, we are the actual objects of His great Love. You asked for a Loving God, and you have one. The great Spirit you so lightly invoked, the ‘lord of terrible aspect,’ is in fact present. Not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy; not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate; not the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests; but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made worlds, persistent as an artist’s love for his work, provident and venerable as a father’s love for a child, and as jealous and inexorable and exacting as the love between a man and a woman.

    Love demands the perfecting of the beloved (the growth, betterment, healing, improvement, uprightness, and goodness of the beloved). Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them; but Love cannot cease to will their removal. Love is more sensitive than even hatred itself to every blemish in the beloved. Love forgives constantly but condones least. Love is pleased with little, but demands all.

    The mere kindness which tolerates anything except pain and suffering in its object is, in that respect, at the opposite pole from Love. In other words, there is kindness in Love, but Love and kindness are not coterminous. When kindness is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object. Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, only that it escapes suffering. Personally, I do not think that I should value much the “love” of a friend who cared only for comfort and happiness and did not object to my becoming dishonest.

    Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.

    (Or mere acceptance.)

    Abridged and adapted from “The Problem of Pain” by C. S. Lewis, pp. 35-44, 58, parentheticals mine.

  • Nearly Caught In The Trap

    I told Richard I wanted to become an expert on ego.

    I said it half as a joke. Thirty-one years of sobriety and I still hadn’t heard that Jung stood behind the whole thing — Rowland Hazard, the Oxford Group, Ebby Thacher, Bill Wilson, the whole chain of custody that runs from a psychiatrist’s office in Zurich to a folding chair in a church basement. I’d gone looking, found spiritus contra spiritum, and something in me wanted to go deeper. Master it. Know it the way I know a motor.

    Richard didn’t let it pass. That’s perfectionism, he said. That’s the very thing you’re trying to understand, showing up in the trying.

    I sat with that longer than I wanted to.

    Because he was right, and I could feel how right he was in the particular way my stomach dropped. Wanting to become an expert on ego is not the opposite of ego. It’s ego finding a new costume. The same architecture that needs to be thorough, ahead, competent, the guy who’s done the work — that architecture doesn’t care what the subject matter is. It’ll take spiritual formation as readily as it took tuning, sobriety, fatherhood. Anything can become the next arena for the self that has to earn its way into being okay.

    So I let it go. Or tried to. Landed on something simpler — an attitude of love and kindness in every circumstance, which depends on loving myself first, which depends on knowing who I actually am in God’s eyes rather than who I’ve assembled myself into being. Let go and let God. I’ve said those words for three decades. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt the floor of them the way I did in that chair.

    But I pushed back too. Awareness of the enemy is good, I said. You don’t disarm what you can’t see coming.

    I still think that’s true. I just think I had the terrain wrong. I’d been picturing awareness as a body of knowledge — three frameworks, cross-referenced, footnoted. Freud’s ego as mediator between drive and reality. Jung’s ego as the conscious center that starts posing as the whole self once it forgets the unconscious, the shadow, everything it split off to survive. AA’s blunter version — self-will run riot, the insistence on running the show, being your own source of security. And under all of it, the Christian frame that’s been forming in me for thirty years: ego as the self trying to be its own generator instead of its own receiver. Self-built instead of self-received. Ephesians 2. Romans 10. The whole argument I had with Robert’s book, really, compressed into one word.

    All of that is true and none of it is the terrain. The terrain is a Thursday night with a guest at the table and my wife interrupting me, talking over me, again, while I was already running on fumes from a week that had eaten every hour I had — a crisis at work, her father declining, nothing left in the tank. And something old and fast rose up in me. Wounded. Overlooked. The kid who learned to read a room for signs he didn’t matter.

    I didn’t reason my way past it. I prayed. Sat with it. Didn’t defend, didn’t perform hurt, didn’t let the old verdict — I am wrong, I am invisible — write the scene. I knew where she was. I knew what she was carrying. I chose not to make her interruption about me.

    She rubbed my back. Stopped. Something passed between us that didn’t need words. She knew. I could forgive her, easily, because there was nothing left to forgive that hadn’t already been met.

    That’s the whole essay, really. Everything else is commentary.

    Because here’s what I keep circling back to: the study has a ceiling and the practice doesn’t. I can know every framework — Jung’s, Freud’s, Bill W.’s, Paul’s — and still get run by the same reflex at the dinner table if I haven’t actually let go of the need to be right about being hurt. And I can know almost none of it, the way I knew none of it months ago before a friend stopped me mid-sentence and said you know Jung was behind all this, right? — and still, in the actual moment, love instead of defend. The knowledge helps. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t; I’ve built my whole recovery on the conviction that understanding matters, that words for things are how you get free of them. But knowledge was not what happened at that table. Presence was. A fast, unglamorous return to who I actually am underneath the reflex.

    I don’t have a clean resolution for the divide I felt — between the pursuit of understanding and the pursuit of just being kind in the room you’re standing in. I suspect it isn’t a divide so much as a sequence, and I’m impatient about the order. Understanding is supposed to serve the moment, not replace it. The three frameworks are a map. Madeline’s hand on my back was the territory.

    Spiritus contra spiritum. The spirit against spirits. Maybe the same is true of ego and love — not two forces in equal contest, but one that only ever masquerades as strength, and one that’s been the real thing since before I had language for either.

    I just have to keep finding my way to the right door. Apparently even the search for the door can become the wrong one, if I’m not careful.

  • Courage: What It Actually Takes to Love and Trust

    I used to think courage was for the big moments — the ones with adrenaline in them. Walking into a hard conversation. Making the call you’ve been avoiding. Standing up when it would be easier to sit down. All true, as far as it goes. But I’ve been sitting with a narrower definition lately, and it’s changed how I understand almost everything else I’ve been working on.

    Courage is how I respond to fear in the face of fear. Not after the fear leaves. Not once I feel safe enough. In it.

    That distinction matters more than it sounds like it should. For most of my life I was waiting for the fear to go first — waiting to feel safe enough to trust my wife with something tender, safe enough to believe one of my kids actually meant what they said, safe enough to trust that God was good and not just powerful. I thought that was patience. It wasn’t. It was a stall. Because the fear was never going to leave first. It doesn’t work that direction. If I wait for safety before I love or trust, I’ll wait forever, and I’ll call the waiting wisdom.

    I wrote a while back about the vultures that land on the headboard some mornings — the old verdicts, you’re not safe, you’re not acceptable, you don’t belong, perched there before I’m even fully awake. I said the work was learning not to obey them. What I hadn’t fully named yet is that the not-obeying is itself the courage. It’s not a separate skill I need on top of faith. It’s the mechanism that makes faith real instead of theoretical. Faith that never has to act in the presence of fear isn’t faith. It’s just comfort with good odds.

    This is where phronéō lands for me now. I’ve written before about the circuit — faith forming identity, identity forming attitude, attitude forming action. I used to think of that circuit as something that happened to me, almost automatically, once the faith part was solid enough. But courage is the hinge in the middle of it. It’s what lets attitude actually become action instead of staying a nice idea I hold about myself. Plenty of people have a good attitude sitting perfectly still. Courage is the attitude walking into the room anyway.

    I keep coming back to Hebrews 12 on this — the contrast between Sinai and Zion. Sinai is the mountain you can’t even touch, thunder and trembling, a God so terrifying Moses himself said he was afraid. Zion is the mountain of welcome — joyful assembly, the chara I’ve been chewing on for months. But here’s what I missed the first several times through it: the writer isn’t promising that the trembling stops. He’s describing a different posture available to a person who is still capable of trembling. Courage is choosing Zion’s welcome without insisting the terror disappear first. It’s what lets a person who still has plenty to be afraid of walk toward the joyful assembly instead of staying frozen at the base of Sinai, waiting for the thunder to end.

    That’s why I think courage, and not just faith, is what it actually takes to love and to trust. Love is a decision to stay open to someone who could still hurt me. Trust is a decision to believe someone’s intentions when I don’t have proof yet, and won’t until later, if ever. Both of those require acting before the evidence is fully in. That’s not naivety — it’s courage wearing quieter clothes. I’ve spent a lot of my life confusing caution with wisdom. Caution waits for the fear to clear. Wisdom, it turns out, sometimes means moving while the fear is still fully present, because the fear was never actually load-bearing information about whether the thing was safe. It was just old data playing on a loop.

    I think about the newcomer I’ve been sponsoring, and how much of what I’m trying to hand him isn’t information — he can get that anywhere. It’s permission. Permission to make the call, sit in the chair, say the sentence, trust the room, while every vulture on his own headboard is telling him not to. I can’t give him certainty. Nobody gave me certainty. What I can model is that the trembling and the walking forward aren’t mutually exclusive. That’s the whole inheritance, really — not a formula for making fear leave, but proof that a person can act inside it and come out the other side still standing, maybe even more himself than before.

    So this is where I’ve landed, for now. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, and it isn’t a virtue separate from faith and love — it’s the thing that turns faith and love from postures I hold in private into things I actually do in front of other people, with the vultures still watching from the headboard and the mountain still capable of trembling under my feet. I don’t need the fear gone to love well or trust well. I just need to keep walking toward Zion anyway.


  • Phronéō

    The Attitude That’s Been Forming for Thirty Years


    I reconnected recently with an old friend who is a pastor — a man who has shaped me over decades in ways I’m still accounting for, from the way he rebuilds an engine to the way he conducts his life. When a man like that takes a position, you either nod or you push back hard. He said love is an action. I said love is an attitude.

    After the call, I did some digging. Whenever Bob challenges me, I know there’s something to learn. It’s taken me thirty years to find the word for what has been happening underneath. That word is phronéō.


    The Argument

    My friend is not wrong. James says faith without works is dead. The whole prophetic tradition says show me your love — don’t describe it, demonstrate it. The parable of the Good Samaritan ends not with a feeling but with a bill paid and a wound dressed. AA taught me early: you act your way into right living, not think your way. When I didn’t feel like doing the next right thing, I did it anyway. For thirty years. That matters.

    But I’m not wrong either. Paul spends half of his letters warning against the failure mode of action disconnected from interior transformation. The Pharisees are his exhibit A — maximum religion, minimum change. They performed love. They tithed and fasted and prayed in public. And Jesus said they were whitewashed tombs. The actions were real. The root was rotten.

    AA knows this too, which is why the Big Book says the essentials are willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness. Not actions — attitudes. Without them, you don’t get recovery. You get white-knuckling. A dry drunk is a Pharisee in different clothing.

    So which is it — action or attitude?

    Both. And they’re not in tension. They’re guarding against opposite failure modes. Paul guards against earning your way. James guards against believing your way without it costing anything. Between them, they’re describing the same circuit entered at different points:

    Faith → Identity → Attitude → Action

    And when the interior stalls, right action can prime the pump back toward the interior. It runs both directions. What it cannot do is skip the root entirely and survive.


    The Word

    Where does the circuit start — and what holds it together?

    As we continued our conversation I pointed Bob to Philippians 2:5. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus. He pushed back with “love is action.” I pushed back harder, because I knew something was in that verse.

    The Greek word Paul uses is phronéō. It is not the word for intellect (nous), and it is not the word for emotion (kardia). Phronéō is the whole-person orientation. The settled posture of the self toward everything. The direction you face before you think or feel or act. It is closer to who you are than to what you do.

    Paul saturates the letter to the Philippians with this word — and it organizes every chapter:

    • Chapter 1 — Joy: the phronéō toward suffering. Not denial, not performance. A settled orientation that suffering is not the last word.
    • Chapter 2 — Humility: the phronéō toward others. Kenosis — self-emptying, turning outward, releasing the grip on rank and self-protection.
    • Chapter 3 — Holy ambition: the phronéō toward purpose. Pressing forward toward what God has called you to — not to prove anything, but because there is something worth reaching for.
    • Chapter 4 — Trust: the phronéō toward daily difficulty. Peace that surpasses understanding, guarding the heart and mind.

    The wounded ego produces the opposite of each. Toward suffering: resentment and self-pity. Toward others: competition and defensiveness. Toward purpose: performance anxiety or paralysis. Toward daily difficulty: control and anxiety. Same life, same circumstances — entirely different posture. Phronéō is what changes.

    Paul wrote this from prison and called it the joy letter. That is not irony. That is the evidence.

    One more thing stopped me in the Greek. Phronéō is a verb. Not a feeling you wait for, not a state you achieve — an action you exercise. The posture is something you practice. Which means Bob and I were never really disagreeing. We were both pointing at the same thing from opposite ends. The attitude of Christ is something you do — and the doing, over time, forms you into someone from whom it begins to flow.


    The Mechanism

    Romans 12:1-2 names how the posture forms.

    First, Paul asks for the body — offer yourselves as a living sacrifice. The action comes first. The showing up. The doing the next right thing in spite of how you feel. That is AA’s wisdom and it is biblical. The body leads sometimes, and the interior follows.

    Then: be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

    The Greek word for transformed is metamorphoo — the same root as metamorphosis. Not behavior modification. Not willpower. A change of form from the inside out, at the level of the mind itself. That is phronéō forming. That is the long, slow work that thirty years of right action has been preparing the ground for.

    The renewing of the mind is not something you produce. It is something that happens to you as you submit to the process — the surrender, the inventory, the community, the prayer, the Word, the suffering offered rather than resisted. All of it is the living sacrifice that precedes the transformation.


    The Ground

    But the transformation has to have somewhere to land. And that somewhere is identity.

    Ephesians 2 gives the full picture without flinching from either side. Verses 1 through 3 do not soften the broken: dead in transgressions, following the ways of this world, gratifying the cravings of the flesh, by nature deserving of wrath. That is not gentle language. Paul looks at the human condition without blinking.

    Then verse 4: But God.

    Two words that change everything. Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ. Not because of anything we produced. Not as reward for getting it right. By grace. Through faith. And verse 10 lands the circuit complete: we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

    The works are there. They are real. But they come last — as the outcome of an identity received, not as the source of one earned. Paul is dismantling the Pharisee error and the performance error in the same passage.

    I have written before about what that identity looks like — what God actually declares about who you are. The short version is the tension that has defined my interior life for as long as I can remember:

    I am 100% broken and 100% beloved. Both. Simultaneously.

    The broken part is easy to believe. It has decades of evidence. The beloved part requires faith — the willingness to accept what God says about me over what my wounds, my history, and my shame have been saying for years. That gap between what I know and what I can receive — that is where the real work lives.

    Accept that you are accepted. Paul Tillich said it. Brennan Manning carried it to people like me who needed it said that plainly. That gap — between intellectual assent and embodied trust — is the distance the work has to travel. It is the work of a lifetime. It is the work of faith.


    The Attitude Problem

    I have been told most of my life that I have an attitude problem.

    They were right. But the problem wasn’t the strength of my attitudes — it was what they were built on. Fear, shame, survival, a self curved inward by a childhood that required it. Fear → Control → Perfectionism → Shame. That was not a character flaw. It was wiring. And the wounded ego built an empire on top of that wiring — brick by brick, defense by defense, achievement by achievement — until the original wound was buried under the structure.

    That empire has been coming down for thirty years. Brick by brick. Not all at once, and not without resistance. But enough bedrock has been revealed now that I can begin to see what was always meant to be built there — not an empire of self-protection, but a life structured entirely in accordance with what God says is true.

    I have to be honest about what works against this. Paul names it in Ephesians 6: the schemes of the enemy, whose primary strategy is not dramatic destruction but quiet erosion. Hijacking identity. Whispering the old verdicts. Eroding intimacy with God one small separation at a time. The enemy does not need to take you out entirely. He only needs to get you arguing with God about who you are.

    Which is why the phronéō work is not just interior formation. It is contested ground. The settled posture of the self that knows it is broken and beloved — that posture is exactly what the enemy targets. Because a self that knows who it is to God is far harder to move.

    For most of my sobriety I have prayed the same prayer: I ask for the willingness to be willing. Not “give me the strength to do the right thing.” Earlier than that. I have a broken wanter. I can’t even get to wanting what you want — help me want to want it. It is an exercise of humility — the deliberate posture of a self that knows it cannot generate what it needs from the inside. Grace has to go that deep because the distortion goes that deep.

    Something has been forming underneath all of it. After thirty years of right action in spite of my feelings, I am finding an underlying faith — a belief, a motivation, an identity — from which the actions are beginning to flow differently. Less forced. Less white-knuckled. More like fruit from a root than performance from a script.

    That is phronéō. Growing, developing, forming — sometimes obscured, sometimes suppressed — but there, underneath, all along.


    The Ceiling

    Years ago I spent time with Kenton Beshore, a Senior Pastor of a large church in Orange County. We rode dirt bikes together. Over lunch one day I was telling him about my involvement in AA, what it had done for me, how it was doing things in me I couldn’t explain. He listened, and then he said something that landed strangely and stayed with me:

    “AA is good, but there’s better.”

    I didn’t fully understand it then. I do now.

    AA gave me the structure of transformation. The surrender, the inventory, the amends, the sponsorship, the community, the practice of service. It works. Thirty years is the evidence. But AA’s Higher Power is deliberately unnamed. That is its genius for opening the door to everyone, and also its ceiling.

    AA can reorganize behavior. It can even reorganize the will to a point. What it cannot give you is a named identity. You are my beloved. I have called you by name. You are accepted. You can’t be formed into the mind of an unnamed higher power. You can only be formed into the mind of someone you know. Someone who knows you. That is the specifically Christian claim — a named God, a specific person, a particular face — and it changes the equation for phronéō entirely.

    What I have actually lived is both. Thirty years of AA gave me practiced actions and accountability and community. And underneath that, faith in a named God has been doing the deeper work — the identity formation, the slow displacement of shame, the phronéō taking root in soil that was being prepared all along.

    Kenton saw the ceiling from the outside. I found what is above it from the inside.


    The Word I Was Looking For

    Bob said love is an action. I said love is an attitude. We were both right.

    Consider how love is defined at its root. To love is a verb. To put on the attitude of Christ — a verb. To renew the mind — a verb. To phronéō — a verb. The action and the attitude, followed all the way down, are the same word. Bob wasn’t wrong. Neither was I. We were describing the same thing from opposite ends, and the Greek holds them together.

    But here is the fuller picture as I understand it now:

    Faith establishes your identity at the root. Not a one-time decision — a continuous orientation of trust that is slowly reshaping what you want, what you fear, what you reach for. That identity — 100% broken, 100% beloved, held in tension by grace — is the ground from which phronéō forms. Joy toward suffering. Humility toward others. Holy ambition toward purpose. Trust toward daily difficulty. From that posture flows action that is no longer performance, no longer compliance, but expression. Evidence of something real underneath.

    The Pharisee breaks the circuit by disconnecting action from interior entirely. The white-knuckler breaks it by grinding the action without the roots going deep. The sentimentalist breaks it by stopping at beautiful belief that never touches the ground. The enemy works to break it by eroding the identity that makes it all possible.

    The way through is what I have been stumbling toward my whole life:

    Believe you are loved. Let that go deep — all the way down into the broken places. From that ground, be formed. From that formation, love — as attitude, and then as action, and then as the thing other people call character.

    Phronéō. The attitude of Christ.

    That is what has been forming in me for thirty years. I am just now learning the word for what has been happening underneath.


    UPDATE – Here is the tool I have added to my routine to get my mind in alignment: https://geoffgaites.com/putting-on-phroneo/

  • What Hope Does When It Has Nothing Left

    Yesterday was a good day.

    It started with an emotional confrontation with an employee. Something that in the past would have unraveled me — activated the old fear, the shutdown, the hours of recovery afterward. But it didn’t do that yesterday. I felt it, I moved through it, and by the time I got to my AA meeting last night I was free. Free of fear. Present in a way I don’t always get to be. Something is different lately. I’m noticing it.

    A man I’ve known since the late 90’s was called to share last night. We met through a Harley sober men’s group and spent years in that community together. It was an incredibly affirming and foundational forming time for me. He and his brother had a formidable reputation. But in spite of that they were always uncharacteristically kind and loving and exceptionally accepting of me. Real examples.

    Last year we were both at a retreat and he told me about his current situation — a work accident — someone hit him and he fell into a hole at a construction site and destroyed his shoulder. He and his wife are living in a hotel, barely making it. God told me to bless him. And I obeyed. I wrote him a meaningful check. Not a loan. A gift.

    His bike has been in my shop for months. He ordered the work — the bill grew into something significant, an amount that strains my system. Every week at the meeting he’s sorry. Every week I push through the fear of financial insecurity, the facade of betrayal, landing on acceptance and tell him it’s cool. He says he will pay, there may be a settlement someday. Last night he mentioned vacation pay coming that he would give to me. I didn’t ask for details. I don’t talk business at the meeting. I’ll hold the bike until he can pay. I believe him.

    He shared from the podium about reconciling with his daughter in early sobriety. He unpacked the circumstances plainly — utterly hopeless, the cost laid bare. Estrangement has a weight to it that doesn’t need embellishment. And yet something in him remained undefeated. He was desperate, spent, at the end of himself, and he called someone to ask for direction. That someone told him to write her letters.

    So he did. Every week, without fail. Hope with legs. I don’t know what he wrote. I can only imagine the weight of it — a man clawing his way past his own shame, reaching toward something that mattered more than his pride, finding words somewhere in there that said, in some way, I love you, and I am different, and you matter. Week after week, the writing. Week after week, the hope outlasting the silence. Until it didn’t have to anymore. She saw something and received it. She came back.

    Hope, it turns out, is not passive. In his hands it became a discipline. A weekly act of faith toward someone who hadn’t yet responded. And when she finally did — that wasn’t just reconciliation. That was hope birthing intimacy.

    I didn’t just hear a story. I heard a man I already knew tell the room what I had already seen in him. A long haired biker — the kind of man who once upon a time people crossed the street to avoid. Last night he stood at the podium and told the truth.

    A character shaped by God.

    It was a good day.

  • Spiritus Contra Spiritum

    I mentioned Carl Jung in a conversation yesterday and the person I was talking to stopped me.

    “You know he had a huge influence on AA, right?”

    I didn’t know that. I’ve been sober over thirty years and I didn’t know that. So I went looking.


    Here’s what I found.

    In the early 1930s, a man named Rowland Hazard sought treatment from Jung in Zurich. He got sober under Jung’s care. Then he relapsed. When he came back, he asked the question that anyone in that position asks — is there any hope for me?

    Jung told him the truth: medically and psychiatrically, his case was essentially hopeless. Unless — and here Jung said something that would travel across decades and continents and eventually reach me — unless he could have a genuine spiritual experience. The transforming kind. Jung had seen it happen. He believed it was the only thing powerful enough to reach what alcohol was reaching.

    Rowland came back to the States. He connected with the Oxford Group, a Christian evangelical movement. Through that he helped a man named Ebby Thacher get sober. Ebby went to visit Bill Wilson. Bill had his spiritual experience. And the rest is the Steps.

    One psychiatrist’s honest answer to a hopeless man. That’s the thread.


    Years later, near the end of his life, Bill Wilson wrote to Jung to tell him this story. Jung wrote back. His response contained a phrase that I haven’t been able to stop turning over:

    Spiritus contra spiritum. The spirit against spirits.

    What Jung was saying was that the alcoholic’s craving — that bottomless, irrational, life-destroying hunger — was not simply a physical compulsion or a moral failure. It was, on a lower level, the same thing as a spiritual thirst for wholeness. The person drinking themselves to death is looking for the same thing the mystic is looking for. They just found the wrong door.

    I sat with that for a long time.


    Because if that’s true — if addiction is a misdirected search for transcendence — then the question opens up. Is it only the alcoholic? Or is this the human condition wearing different costumes?

    The Big Book says the untreated alcoholic is restless, irritable, and discontented. Not at ease. Dis-eased. And the more I look at that, the more I think: yes, but — everyone. The workaholic, the people-pleaser, the person who controls everything because they cannot tolerate uncertainty, the one who cannot be alone with themselves for ten minutes without reaching for something. We are all, in some sense, medicating the same wound.

    Augustine said it in the fourth century: our heart is restless until it rests in Thee. Same diagnosis. Different words.

    Paul said it even more bluntly in Romans 7: the good I want to do, I don’t do. The thing I hate, I keep doing. That’s not a confession from an addict. That’s a letter to everyone.

    So maybe the disease is simply human. Maybe dis-ease — the rupture, the restlessness, the sense that something is missing and we cannot name it — is just what it is to be a person separated from the thing we were made for. And we will fill that space with something. The only question is what.


    Then I hit something that reordered the whole frame.

    If the disease is human, what does that mean about suffering? We tend to think of suffering as the interruption — the thing that gets in the way of a real life, the evidence that something has gone wrong. But what if it’s the other way around?

    The most broken people I know carry the most love. Not despite what they’ve been through. Because of it. There’s something that happens in sustained suffering — when a person doesn’t escape it but somehow endures it — that produces a depth of compassion that ease simply cannot manufacture. Paul says it in Romans 5: suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope. Not a detour around the suffering. Through it. The sequence is the point.

    I spent years romancing suicide. That’s not a metaphor. There was a long season where I kept that door cracked as a kind of insurance policy — if it gets bad enough, there’s a way out. I’m not ashamed to say it here because I think someone reading this needs to know they are not alone in it, and also because of what I’ve come to understand about those years.

    Something was marinating.

    The intensity of the pain was not evidence of permanent damage. It was evidence of the depth of the capacity. You cannot suffer that acutely without being built for something that large. All those years of endurance — the white-knuckled, bewildered, sometimes-just-barely survival — were not wasted. They were preparation. The long suffering was not a character flaw. It was, it turns out, the very definition of love. Agape. The love that doesn’t quit when it stops feeling good.

    It was not for nothing.


    Jung told a hopeless man: the only cure is spiritual. That message traveled through three people before it became the Steps. The Steps traveled through thirty years before they reached the place in me where they could do their work. And somewhere in that long transit, the thing I thought was killing me turned out to be making me.

    Spiritus contra spiritum. The spirit against spirits.

    The thirst was always for the right thing. I just had to find my way to the right door.

  • Two Different People

    My wife spoke to me the other day. I listened. I took notes — not because I was documenting a grievance, but because I did not want to lose what she was saying. Because I have lost it before, too many times, the way a man loses things he never fully let in.

    She was talking about what it costs her when I reject her invitations into shared spiritual practice — prayer together, study together. She was not accusing me. She was telling me the truth about her interior life, what happens inside her when I go cold or distant in those moments, what it requires of her to absorb it without letting it destroy something.

    I wrote down what I heard: “My husband is so broken that he can’t even pray with me. The painful truth. Pick your poison. The pain of the rejection, or the pain of the reality. I have to choose one.”

    I did not defend myself. I let it land.

    What She Has Been Carrying

    Madeline talked about two different versions of herself. One who absorbs the rejection and lets it attach to her own wounds and past traumas — who takes it personally, who accumulates the hurt. And one who can hold it with humility and faith, who can look past the rejection with self-control and maturity, who can be selfless even when it is incredibly difficult.

    She has had to choose between those two versions of herself, over and over, every time I declined an invitation to pray, every time I responded to her spiritual reaching with distance or deflection. That is an enormous amount of interior work to do quietly, without recognition, while the person you are doing it for remains largely unaware.

    She said that acknowledging the broken core beliefs, talking about them, feeling the pain in a safe environment — that is what creates space for truth, for a new identity.

    She was not speaking a complaint. She was speaking a map. Showing me where she had been, and pointing toward where she believed we could go.

    What I Had Written A Few Weeks Prior

    Before Madeline shared her feelings with me, I had been in my own journal. The date was March 24. I had been wrestling with a question that has followed me for years: how do I not make it about me, when it is my story?

    I wrote: “I can’t change what happened. But I can choose my response. Here and now. What shall I do in this moment.”

    I wrote about leaning into truth and discovering, the more I do, how untrustworthy my own instincts are. How the shift in security that produces is terrifying. How it forces me toward faith — not faith as abstraction but faith as the only available floor when the self you have relied on turns out to be unreliable.

    I wrote: “I have a broken wanter and a built-in forgetter.”

    That is the most accurate description I have ever found for what it is like to be me in a moment of genuine connection. Something in me does not know how to want the right thing. And even when I find it, something in me is already moving toward forgetting. The armor reassembles. The distance returns. The invitation goes unanswered.

    I ended the entry with a prayer I did not know was a prayer: “Remove the atrophy of my ears to hear it, restore my sight to see it.”

    Opposite Sides of the Same Wound

    When I read back my notes from what Madeline had said, I recognized something immediately. Not because I already knew what she was experiencing — I had not known, not fully. But because her description of what it costs to stay present to a broken person mapped directly onto what I had written that morning about what it costs to be that person.

    She has been doing theology in real time — working out what it requires of her faith and maturity to love someone whose brokenness keeps pushing her away. I have been doing the same work from the other side — trying to understand why the wanter is broken, why the forgetter is so reliable, why the symphony Madeline is conducting keeps getting drowned out by my own internal noise.

    We have been working on the same problem without knowing the other was working on it too. Two people in the same house, in the same marriage, reaching toward the same thing from opposite sides of the same wound.

    What she needed was not for me to fix anything. She needed me to stop deflecting long enough to actually hear her. To let her words land without immediately organizing a defense. To be present to her pain instead of managing it.

    That is what I tried to do. I read her words. I sat with them. I did not explain myself.

    Three Mornings

    We prayed together that morning. Then again the following morning. Then again this morning.

    Three mornings. That is not a streak I am trying to protect or a discipline I am white-knuckling into place. It is what happened when I stopped rejecting an invitation that had been extended to me, probably more times than I can count, by a woman who kept extending it anyway.

    There is a closeness in it. Something that does not have a name yet. The kind of thing the broken wanter does not know how to want until it is already happening, and then recognizes immediately as what it has needed all along.

    I do not know if I will maintain it. That is the honest answer. The built-in forgetter is still built in. The instinct toward control and distance is still the first instinct. Thirty years of sobriety has taught me not to make promises about tomorrow based on the clarity of today.

    What I know is this: something shifted. Madeline was brave enough to show me the cost. I was present enough, for once, to receive it. And in the space that opened up — the space she had been yearning for, the space where truth and new identity can live — we prayed.

    That is still in process. We both are. The wound does not close cleanly. The broken wanter does not get fixed in a morning. There are two different Madelines, as she shared, and she will have to keep choosing between them. There are two different versions of me as well — the one armored against hope and the one learning, slowly, that hope will not ultimately humiliate him.

    But this morning we prayed. And that is not nothing. That is, in fact, everything.

  • The Fish On My Arm

    There is a fish tattooed on my upper left arm. It is the logo of a band called Flipper — punk, ugly, deliberate. I did not get it because I understood what the band believed or even knew who was in it. I got it because of one song. “Shed No Tears.” I heard it and something in me recognized it immediately — not as a philosophy but as a name for something already living in me. The tattoo was not a creed. It was a mirror.

    I am 56 years old. I have been sober over thirty years. Married for 27 years, four children, a business I built from nothing. And I am only now beginning to understand what that fish on my arm cost the people I love most.

    What Was Already There

    I grew up in a good neighborhood. Plenty of food, clothes, things. A swingset in a sandbox next to a tree fort built by dad. By any measure that the outside world could see, things were fine.

    Inside I was drowning. Confused and scared, constantly, and nobody was helping me understand why. I couldn’t make friends and didn’t know the reason. I wet the bed. Humiliation came from enough directions that I stopped being surprised by it. There were things I wanted — activities, interests, a sense of participation in my own life — and the answer was usually no, delivered with hostility and no explanation. I felt wrong somehow — not bad, not naughty, just fundamentally wrong, like everyone else had been given instructions for how to be a person and I had missed the day they handed them out.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

    That gap — between what it looked like from outside and what it felt like from inside — is its own particular loneliness. You can’t point to it. Nobody would believe it. You barely believe it yourself. So you say nothing. You learn to say nothing.

    My mother had a daughter and had been divorced before she met my father, who had no children of his own. I was their first child together, born into a household already in motion. My mother survived by control — rules, structure, the constant danger of doing something wrong. My father had a temper and was often absent. What I absorbed from both, without anyone saying it directly, was this: the world is not safe, you are not enough, and feeling anything about either of those facts will only make things worse.

    So I learned to erase. Not to endure pain — endurance at least admits something is there. Not to grit my teeth or shake it off. What I learned was disappearance. The thing never happened. The feeling was never real. Gone before it could reach me. Buried so deep that even I forgot it was there.

    And anger. So much anger. Because anger was the one feeling I could afford — it faces outward, keeps people at a distance, looks like strength. Everything else looked like weakness. But anger moves. Anger fights. Anger says: I am still here and you will not get close enough to see what is underneath.

    That is what the fish named. Not a philosophy. A survival technology. The fish said: I will not be controlled. I will not be hurt. I will fight to the end because I have nothing to lose. And if I lose — if it finally kills me — the pain stops. That would be a win.

    I rebelled. I fought. I got into drugs. I became suicidal. And then something in me — something I did not have a name for yet — refused to die. I got on a Harley-Davidson and rode across the country. I built a life from ground zero. Business, marriage, children, sobriety. I made it.

    What I did not understand then was this: the armor that saved me did not know when the war was over.

    What I Passed On

    My oldest son is a visual artist and musician. He lives in San Francisco and plays bass. He is twenty-three years old and he is one of the most perceptive people I have ever met, which is part of what made being his father so costly to him.

    Last week, when we were together, he handed me a document. It was typed — careful, considered. I believe he had been journaling privately, probably after London when he first opened up to me verbally, and at some point he decided to let me see it. That is its own act of trust — a son choosing to show his father the interior work he had been doing alone. He described what it was like to grow up with me. He described my defensiveness, my need to win every argument, my tendency to approach from a position of authority rather than relationship. He described how when he came to me asking for help, I shamed him for needing it. He described the times I told him, growing up, how much I wanted to die.

    He was not wrong about any of it.

    I took the document to my therapist. Together we sat with it. And I wrote, in the margins, what I could finally see:

    I shame you. It’s all I know. It is what I was taught — I am just passing it on.

    I have inappropriately burdened you with my stuff — my pain, insecurity, immaturity.

    Never enough, never good enough. SHAME.

    Those words, in my handwriting, were the most honest thing I had written in years.

    The Van

    My artist son needed help with his van. The refrigerator circuit had failed. We made time to journey to my shop on a Saturday and I rewired it — the kind of work my hands know how to do, the language of showing up that I am more fluent in than most others. When the work was done I asked if I could have a few minutes with him.

    I had my handwritten notes. I tried to begin by reading back what he had written to me — I wanted him to know I had truly heard it — but he stopped me. He did not want to revisit his words. He did not want a rehashing.

    So I skipped to my part. I read only what I had written. My accountability, without his grievances as scaffolding. And he listened.

    He heard it.

    That is not a small thing. A son listening while his father reads aloud his own failures, without defense, without explanation, without making the son manage the father’s feelings about it. I did not know I was capable of that until the moment I did it.

    The Other Fish

    There is another fish. Older than the Flipper logo by about two thousand years. The Ichthys — the early Christian symbol, two curved lines meeting at a point, simple as a breath. The believers used it in secret, scratched into stone, traced in sand. It meant: I am not alone in this. It meant: there is something worth hoping for.

    Same basic shape as the Flipper fish. Completely opposite orientation toward the world.

    I have been sitting with Romans 10:11: “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”

    The nihilism I carried was not, at its root, a philosophy about meaning. It was a defense against shame. If you never hope, you can never be humiliated for hoping. If you keep everyone at arms’ length, no one can get close enough to see you clearly and find you wanting. The fish on my arm was never really about Flipper. It was about a boy who had been shamed so thoroughly, so early, that he built an entire worldview around never being vulnerable to it again.

    Paul’s words cut directly through that architecture. Everyone who believes will not be put to shame. Not “won’t be embarrassed” in some minor social sense. The Greek carries the weight of ultimate humiliation — the exposure of the self as fundamentally wrong, unfounded, worthless. The very thing I spent my life protecting against.

    Faith, it turns out, is not the opposite of doubt. It is the opposite of shame-avoidance. It is the decision to reach toward something real even though reaching makes you vulnerable. It is the willingness to be seen.

    The Chain

    My mother was shamed. She passed it to me. I was shamed. I passed it to my children. My son received it and named it with precision in a document he sent across the miles to his father, not knowing if his father would receive it or deflect it.

    His father received it.

    I do not know what my grandchildren will be like. I do not know what wounds my son carries that I gave him, how they will shape him, what work he will have to do. But I know this: the moment he listened in that van, something in the chain gave way. Not broke cleanly — these things never break cleanly. But gave way.

    That is what repentance looks like in an actual life. Not a moment of feeling bad. Not a dramatic conversion. A father learning, at fifty-six, to rewire a circuit in a van and then sit quietly and read his own failures aloud without flinching. A son who was brave enough to send the document in the first place. A God who, according to Paul, will not ultimately put to shame the one who risks believing.

    The fish on my arm is still there. I have not covered it. I think I may keep it — not because I still believe what it stood for, but because I want to remember what it cost. The nihilism was not just a phase or a fashion. It was a survival technology that worked, until it didn’t, until the people I loved most became the ones paying the price for it.

    There are two fish. The one on my arm and the one I am still learning to swim toward. They look alike from a distance. Up close they are moving in opposite directions — one away from shame, protected and alone; the other into the current of something larger, risking everything on the possibility that love is real and that it holds.

    I am fifty-six years old. I am learning to swim.

  • The Train

    I asked her what the most spectacular thing she had ever seen was.

    She didn’t answer right away. Then she said: shooting stars above the Milky Way, standing in a redwood forest.

    I sat with that. She had been small beneath the ancient trees and smaller still beneath the ancient light, and she didn’t disappear. She witnessed. Present enough to receive what was actually there. I filed it away like something I’d been given without deserving.

    Then I told her what I’d been thinking about. What if you lived at that level of aperture all the time? Every stranger on the sidewalk carrying a whole interior universe behind their face. Every breath a small miracle of oxygen and blood and electrochemical fire. The cohesion of things — that anything holds together at all, that the world works, that morning comes — received not as background noise but as revelation.

    No one could sustain that, I said. The mystics fall down. Job goes quiet. The disciples cover their eyes. There’s a mercy in our ordinary blindness. Full exposure to the truth of things would dissolve us.

    But here’s what I’ve been sitting with: what if you didn’t need to sustain it by willpower? What if love and wonder, practiced long enough, became the speed you traveled at — and fear simply couldn’t board?

    I’ve spent most of my life trying to manage fear. Outmaneuver it. Make deals with it. I got sober and learned to name it. I got honest and learned to feel it. Good work, all of it. Necessary. But there is something past management, and I caught a glimpse of it this morning.

    It’s a train moving too fast for the boxcar wino to grab hold of. Fear reaches for the rail and the train is already gone. Not because fear was defeated. Because something else had too much momentum.

    A life of love and awe, moving at full speed, doesn’t fight the ego. It just leaves it behind.

    She taught me the word for seeing each stranger as a universe: sonder. She learned it somewhere and handed it to me like a gift, which is its own kind of miracle — that a word could travel to exactly the right person at exactly the right moment.

    The train is moving. I want to be on it.

  • London — A God Thing

    I went to London with my wife and two of my kids to visit my daughter who is there studying for three months. Seven days. I had no agenda. That turned out to be the whole point.

    My first impression walking around zone 1 was how different it felt from American cities. Cleaner. Calmer. People weren’t threatening. Nobody looked homeless or defeated. Incredibly diverse — culturally, ethnically, every kind of person sharing the same sidewalk and somehow making it work. I kept thinking: how does this function so well? The answer, I learned, is partly the NHS, six weeks of annual leave, a social contract that mostly holds. And partly that people here have made a different bet than Americans have. Lower ceiling, higher floor. They trade the American dream of unlimited upside for the quiet security of a life that doesn’t destroy you if you get sick.

    We rode the buses and the tube and walked everywhere often backtracking behind a confused leader. My son skateboarding exclusively through crowded sidewalks and encouraging us to get past turnstiles and bus drivers without paying. We visited many markets, London Bridge, Buckingham Palace, The Book of Mormon, lots of diverse meals. Mostly I followed the girls shopping and kept my mouth shut while my body complained, every comfort mechanism on hold. For those of you who know me, you understand what kind of spiritual discipline that required.

    The Lunch

    At lunch one day my son unloaded. He was frustrated. His little sister had gotten her way all week, he hadn’t been able to do what he wanted, it was unfair, the trip was terrible, this sucked.

    I listened. I watched my wife listen. I shoved down everything I wanted to say — and if you know me, you know there was a lot I wanted to say. I was patient. I waited. When he finally finished I said, “Can I say something?”

    My wife looked at me the way she looks at me when she’s not sure what’s coming. She said, “Only if it’s positive.”

    I said: “I feel exactly the same way.”

    That’s it. That was the whole response. And something shifted at that table that I don’t have adequate words for. We were connected. All of us. Right there in London.

    My son didn’t need me to fix the trip or reframe it or remind him how lucky he was. He needed his father to tell him the truth. And the truth was: yeah, me too. Sometimes it was frustrating. And we’re still here, together, at this table, in this city, and I wouldn’t trade it.

    Ativ

    After that lunch I met a 19-year-old kid from Sudan on the street. Ativ. I admired his bicycle and he lit up. He is a mechanic and he’d built it himself. He uses it for courier work — one of his 3 jobs. 

    He’s also in trade school studying automotive mechanics. He’s been in London three years. He wants to own a bicycle shop.

    I showed him my website. My YouTube videos. The electric bicycle I built. The motorcycles. He looked at his phone screen and said it was like a dream.

    I gave him two business cards and asked him to contact me.

    Here’s what I know about that encounter: it only happened because of what had already happened at lunch. A defended version of me walks past Ativ. The man who met him on that London street was already open. The lunch had cracked something loose, and Ativ walked right into it.

    What I’m Taking Home

    I’ve been to Vietnam. Now London. Both times something opened up that doesn’t open at home. I’ve been sitting with why. I don’t think it’s the destination. I think it’s that travel strips the familiar defenses. You can’t manage a foreign city. You can only be in it.

    But here’s the harder question I’m carrying home: what bubble am I living in back in America? And is it the culture, or is it me? Probably both. The survival code — don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel — keeps you in the bubble even when you’re physically outside it. 

    This week I was outside both.

    I didn’t plan any of this. The lunch. Ativ. The connections with my kids that will reverberate in ways I can’t track. I was just along for the ride. For a man who spent decades trying to control outcomes, that’s not a small thing to say.

    This is what the work is for. Not to become a better manager of life. To become someone who can show up open — and let the miracle happen.

    A street performer teaches me a rhythm and lets me practice it

    My son putting his passion on display

  • Breaking the Gravity of Hopelessness

    A Journey Into Hope, Love, and Spiritual Rewiring

    Over the past season of my life, something unexpected has been awakening in me — a new awareness and appreciation for hope. Not the thin, sentimental kind, but a deeper, sturdier hope that feels like a fundamental attitude of love. As my understanding grows, I’m beginning to see that hope isn’t optional. It’s the very atmosphere love breathes.

    Yet holding onto hope has been a battle.

    The world — and the people in it — often feel like an endless barrage against my peace and safety. The more clearly I see the selfishness, pride, and ego around me, the more I become aware of my own. That awareness can feel crushing at times, exposing how inadequate and foolish I am. But strangely, this clarity isn’t destroying me. It’s refining me.

    The Battle Between Inwardness and Outwardness

    I’ve come to see that the primary struggle in me is the tension between:

    • Inwardness — pride, ego, self‑protection, survival mode
    • Outwardness — service, love, hope, forgiveness

    This is what I’ve started calling my “attitude problem”. Not in the shallow sense, but in the deep spiritual sense: the orientation of my heart.

    AA talks about “love and service,” and I’m beginning to understand those words as code for breaking the gravitational pull of selfishness. They’re not moral commands — they’re training. They’re a way of retraining the heart to move outward instead of collapsing inward.

    The Gravity of Hopelessness

    Hopelessness has been a major gravity in my life. It pulls everything inward:

    • “Why try.”
    • “Nothing will change.”
    • “This is just who I am.”

    These thoughts feel like they’re in my DNA — ancient, instinctive, automatic. They’re not just emotions; they’re survival responses formed long before I had the tools to understand them.

    But I’m learning something crucial:
    These urges are not my identity. They’re echoes of an old survival system.

    Learning the Art of the Pause

    The most transformative practice I’m learning is the pause.

    I feel the surge of an old impulse — fear, defensiveness, shame, urgency — and instead of obeying it, I wait. I sit in the discomfort. I let the storm pass. I wait for what I’ve started calling the safe response.

    This waiting is not weakness. It’s spiritual rewiring.

    In that pause:

    • the old self loses its grip
    • the Spirit has room to speak
    • gentleness rises
    • clarity emerges
    • love becomes possible

    This is where transformation is happening — not in dramatic moments, but in the quiet space between impulse and action.

    Driven Toward God

    This inner work is driving me strongly toward God. Not out of desperation, but out of alignment. When I stop reacting on instinct, I suddenly feel the full weight of my inner world — and I need Someone bigger than me to hold it.

    Paul’s words in Scripture have never felt more relevant. I’m living the very dynamic he describes:

    • the old self pulling one way
    • the Spirit pulling another
    • the mind being renewed
    • hope rising where despair used to dominate
    • patience forming where urgency used to rule

    I’m not just reading Scripture anymore. I’m experiencing it.

    Loving Myself as a Foundation

    I’m also learning that loving myself is not indulgence — it’s essential. I cannot move outward in love if I’m collapsing inward in shame. Fending off hopelessness about myself is not selfish; it’s clearing the ground so love can grow.

    Self‑love is not ego.
    Self‑love is what allows me to stop fighting myself long enough to love others.

    Faith Tested, Faith Strengthened

    My faith is being tested — not to expose weakness, but to reveal strength. Every time I choose hope over despair, love over fear, patience over impulse, I’m strengthening the new creation in me.

    I’m not losing the battle.
    I’m finally fighting the right one.

    Becoming Someone New

    I’m beginning to see that I’m not just resisting old instincts — I’m becoming someone new. The patience I’m learning, the waiting, the resisting, the turning toward God — all of it is shaping me into someone who responds from love rather than fear.

    This is slow, holy work.
    And I’m right in the middle of it.

  • The 12 Essential Needs

    Tim Fletcher, a specialist in complex trauma, posits that 12 basic needs—spanning physical, emotional, and spiritual domains—must be consistently met to feel whole, content, and secure. Unmet needs, often stemming from childhood, lead to “crossed wires” where individuals misuse, for example, food or unhealthy habits to satisfy deep emotional cravings, resulting in trauma, addiction, and poor mental health.

    1. Safety
      The foundation of healing. This isn’t just physical safety, but emotional safety —feeling like you can be yourself without fear of judgment, abandonment, or attack.
    2. Physical Needs
      The basics of life: food, water, sleep, and shelter. Those with trauma often neglect their bodies or live in a state of high cortisol, making physiological regulation a priority.
    3. Nurturing (Affection)
      The need for warmth and tenderness. This includes “Vitamin Touch” (appropriate physical touch) and kind words that validate your existence as a lovable human being.
    4. Validation
      Having your feelings, thoughts, and experiences acknowledged as “real” and “okay.” Validation tells you that your internal world makes sense.
    5. Guidance and Direction
      The need for a mentor or “healthy authority” to help navigate life’s complexities. It’s about learning the “how-tos” of life that trauma may have skipped over.
    6. Protection
      Knowing someone has your back. This involves being shielded from harm and being taught how to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
    7. Acceptance
      Being loved for who you are, not for what you do or how you perform. It is the antidote to the shame that tells trauma survivors they are “broken.”
    8. Encouragement
      The fuel for growth. This is the positive reinforcement that gives you the courage to try new things and persevere when things get difficult.
    9. Respect
      Being treated with dignity. It’s the recognition of your autonomy and your right to have your own opinions and values.
    10. Understanding
      The need to be “seen” and “known.” It’s the feeling that someone truly understands your perspective and where you are coming from.
    11. Discipline (Structure)
      Not punishment, but healthy structure. This provides a sense of order and predictability in life, which helps calm a dysregulated nervous system.
    12. Comfort (Soothing)
      The ability to be calmed when in pain. For trauma survivors, this often means learning how to receive comfort from others and, eventually, how to self-soothe.

    Our brains are wired for love and pleasure. I use these to see where my life is out of balance so I can adjust and fulfill my basic needs. Note – It is impossible for one person to fulfill all our needs. They must get met from multiple sources. Our health and happiness is our responsibility.


  • Legalism: When Working it Doesn’t Work

    After 30 years of sobriety and faithful step work, I experienced real relief and genuine growth — but something remained buried that I couldn’t reach. I was doing the right things, sincerely, and still wondering why I wasn’t fully free. It took the pain of nearly losing my marriage to crack me open enough to be honest about what was really there. Working it harder was never going to fix what happened before I ever picked up a bottle. Legalism in recovery looks like Romans 7 — knowing the right thing, doing the right thing, and still being in chains.

    I spent my entire life asking the same question without knowing how to ask it: why isn’t this enough? If I’m doing everything right, why do I still feel this way? What’s wrong with me? The answer had nothing to do with my effort and everything to do with understanding where the wound actually lived.

    The limitations of AA

    That’s a painful irony — bringing perfectionism into the one place that was supposed to offer relief, and being met with “do more, try harder.” For someone wired the way you are, that’s not guidance, that’s gasoline.

    The shame around personality disorders and CPTSD in AA is real and it runs deep. The culture was built around a particular story of recovery — surrender, steps, service — and that story genuinely saves lives. But it was not built by trauma therapists. It was built by men in the 1930s who understood moral inventory but not nervous system dysregulation. For a lot of old timers, acknowledging that the steps didn’t fully fix you feels like an indictment of the program they love.

    So the unspoken message becomes: if you’re still struggling, you’re not working it right.

    For a kid who grew up being told he was wrong, that message lands exactly where it was always going to land.

    What strikes me is that you pursued perfection in your recovery the same way the fear-chain produces perfectionism everywhere else. The program became another arena where you had to perform well enough to finally be okay. And when the relief didn’t come, shame filled the gap — not because you failed, but because the tool wasn’t designed for the job.

    ACA and your therapist aren’t replacing AA. They’re reaching the floor underneath it. The steps can address what you did. ACA addresses what was done to you. Both are true. Both matter. But they’re not the same work.

    Your old timer loves you. He just doesn’t have the map for this territory — and that’s not his fault either.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

  • Pronoia: Renewing of the Mind

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Frankl wrote that from inside Auschwitz, which is part of why the line carries the weight it does. Everything had been stripped from him — family, possessions, dignity, safety, any claim to a future. And from inside that, he found the one thing that stayed his: how he oriented himself toward what was happening. That’s the doorway I want to walk through, because I’ve been sitting with a word lately that I think names the far side of that same doorway. Pronoia.

    Pronoia is the belief that the universe — or God — is conspiring to do you good. It’s the direct opposite of paranoia: not the sense that everyone’s against you, but the conviction that you’re being worked for, not worked against. I didn’t coin the word and I’m not the first to notice the shape of it, but I want to know how it actually fits into the framework I’ve been building — neuroplasticity, recovery, emotional sobriety — because it isn’t just a nicer mood to adopt. I think it’s the target underneath all of it.

    Here’s the connection. Paranoia is essentially what unresolved trauma produces relationally. A nervous system that learned early the world was dangerous, that people were unpredictable, that survival meant controlling the environment, carries a posture of the world is against me even when nothing conscious or dramatic is happening. It shows up as relational anxiety, as hypervigilance, as the problem of perception I’ve heard named in recovery rooms more times than I can count. Pronoia is the rewiring target on the other side of that — what becomes possible once the fear chain loses its grip. Not naivety. Not the absence of suffering. A fundamental orientation that reality is tilted toward me and not against me, that God is for me. Romans 8:28 is essentially a pronoia verse in that sense — all things working together for good for those who love God. And it’s the same direction an old-timer pointed me when he said acceptance is the key. Acceptance only becomes possible once I trust that what’s happening isn’t proof of my unworthiness or the world’s hostility.

    I think pronoia might actually be the disposition underneath my whole four-step discipline. Breathing is possible because I’m safe. Depersonalizing is possible because this isn’t an attack. Mindfulness is possible because the present moment isn’t a threat. A loving response is possible because I trust the outcome to God. It’s the felt sense of being held — which is exactly what fear never let me believe.

    Romans 12:2 is the anchor verse for the mind side of this: do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The Greek word behind “transformed” is metamorphoo — metamorphosis. Not behavior modification bolted onto an unchanged self, but actual restructuring. It’s remarkable how many other verses form a constellation around exactly this. Ephesians 4:23 locates the change in the attitude, the underlying orientation, not just the behavior on top of it. Philippians 4:8 — think on whatever is true, noble, right — is ancient cognitive rewiring, directed attention reshaping the mind centuries before anyone had the word neuroplasticity for it. Romans 8:31, if God is for us, who can be against us, might be the most direct pronoia verse in scripture. First John 4:18, perfect love drives out fear, might be the whole framework in a single sentence — fear isn’t defeated by trying harder, it’s displaced by love moving in.

    But I ran into a real tension holding this next to something I’ve heard in AA my whole sober life: you live your way into right thinking, you can’t think your way into right living. We have a thinking and perception problem — that’s not controversial in recovery circles, it’s foundational. So which is it? Does transformation start with the mind, or does right living have to come first and the thinking follow?

    I don’t think it’s a contradiction so much as two different problems being addressed. AA’s insight is aimed at the alcoholic paralyzed by overthinking, rationalization, self-deception — the mind that will talk you out of sobriety, justify the drink, construct elaborate reasons the rules don’t apply to you. For that trap, don’t wait to think your way to willingness. Act. Show up. Do the next right thing, and the thinking follows. That’s genuinely wise for that particular problem. But the renewing-of-the-mind insight is aimed at something underneath the rationalizing surface — the belief system itself. The core convictions about who I am, whether I’m safe, whether I’m loved, whether God is for me. Those beliefs generate everything else, and they can’t be acted into existence. They have to be received and renewed. So maybe it’s layered: I act my way into right living, and I am renewed my way into right being. AA addresses the first. The deeper spiritual and therapeutic work addresses the second. Not a contradiction. A complete picture.

    That raises the harder question — where’s the handoff? What actually has to happen to move from one to the other? I think it goes something like this, in sequence, though nobody moves through it cleanly. First comes sobriety — stopping the behavior. Then structure — steps, fellowship, accountability, service, building the container. Then insight — starting to see the pattern, the chain, the root causes. Then grief — actually feeling what was buried, which is the hardest stage and the one most people never reach, because you cannot heal what you refuse to feel. Then integration — the wound losing its power not because it vanishes but because it’s finally been witnessed, named, and held in a context of love and safety. Then, somewhere past that, transformation — the new identity beginning to feel more true than the old one ever did. I think I’m somewhere between grief and integration right now. The concrete breaking open in me over the last year was grief finally becoming possible after decades of the container being built around it.

    Which leads to the question underneath all of this: is complete healing actually available, or is the real goal just learning to be okay with whatever circumstances life hands me? I don’t want a tidy answer to that, because I don’t think there is one. The nervous system does rewire. Beliefs do change. People who’ve carried profound childhood trauma do reach real freedom, real peace, real joy they couldn’t have imagined earlier — that’s documented, and I believe it’s available to me. But “complete” healing, in the sense of the wound disappearing entirely, might be the wrong frame altogether. Paul kept his thorn. The resurrected Christ still carried his scars. What changes isn’t that the history disappears — it’s that it loses its authority. It stops running the show. It becomes part of the story instead of the whole of it. The goal was never to become someone who was never wounded. It’s to become someone whose wound has been redeemed, which turns out to be more powerful anyway, because it’s the wound that gives me whatever ability I have to reach people no one else can reach.

    And “being okay with whatever circumstances life affords” undersells where this is actually headed. Acceptance isn’t resignation. It isn’t learning to tolerate pain stoically. It’s arriving at a place where I trust the one holding me enough that circumstances lose their power to define me. That’s pronoia fully realized. That’s Romans 8:28 lived from the inside rather than quoted from the outside. Not I’m okay with whatever happens, but I trust the one in whose hands whatever happens rests.

    Which brings me back to Frankl, standing in the one place on earth where every external freedom had been stripped away. He found that the choice of attitude was the one thing untouchable by circumstance — the gap between stimulus and response, the place where human freedom actually lives. Paranoia says the universe is against me, therefore I’m a victim of my circumstances. Frankl says circumstances don’t get the final word over my inner life. He arrived at nearly the same place I’m reaching for through philosophy and observation rather than theology — that reality isn’t hostile at its core, and the self retains sovereignty over its own orientation no matter what the world does to it.

    But I think faith takes it one step further than Frankl could. Frankl gives me the freedom to choose my attitude. Romans 8 gives me something to choose it toward — not just stoic inner sovereignty, holding the line alone, but the arms of a Father actively working all of it together for good. Frankl says I can choose. Paul says I’m held while I choose. Together, that’s the whole thing. The freedom Frankl names is real. The love Romans 8 describes is what makes that freedom sustainable instead of exhausting.

    And that gap Frankl described — between stimulus and response — is exactly what my four-step discipline is training me to inhabit. Breathe, depersonalize, be mindful, craft a loving response. I’m not managing my reactions from the outside. I’m expanding that gap through practice, making room for a choice where before there was only reflex. Thirty years of sobriety, a marriage that broke open and is being rebuilt, a concrete floor finally cracking after decades — the trajectory is clear enough that I don’t think the real question left is whether this is available to me.

    The question is just how far I’m willing to let the love go.

  • This Is What Love Looks Like

    A Personal Framework for Moving from Fear to Love

    Developed with Richard | March 2026

    The Root: Pride and the Inward-Curved Self

    After 30+ years of sobriety, faith, and searching, clarity arrived:

    “I was consumed with self in all forms — self-centeredness, self-pity, self-seeking — all of which stemmed from pride.”

    Pride is not simply arrogance. It is the organizing principle of a wounded self. When raised in chaos and danger, the self curls inward to survive. What begins as adaptation becomes the prison.

    This explains everything:

    • Self-pity, self-seeking, and self-centeredness are not separate problems — they are one root wearing different clothes.
    • The “attitude problem” is not a character flaw — it is survival mode that outlived its purpose.
    • Control, perfectionism, and relational anxiety are symptoms of the same fear underneath.
    • False pride and insecurity are two sides of the same coin: insecurity is the wound, false pride is the armor. The armor creates the pressure to perform and control — which sets up the perfectionism trap.

    The Chain: How Fear Becomes Shame

    Understanding the chain is the beginning of breaking it:

    FEAR → CONTROL → PERFECTIONISM → SHAME

    Fear is the wound — installed early by a violent alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.

    Control is the response — if I manage everything, I am safe.

    Perfectionism is control applied to performance — I must not be wrong.

    Shame is the verdict — I am wrong, I do things wrong, there is an undercurrent I cannot shake.

    The message “I am wrong” was not a thought developed over time — it was installed before the capacity to question it existed. This is not a moral failure. It is wiring.

    The Turning Point: “This Isn’t Her — This Is Me”

    After many years in marriage counseling, clarity arrived like a banner in the sky:

    “This isn’t her. This is me. I have been treating her like an enemy — and I do this with everyone.”

    That honest moment of clarity opened the door to the question that has been organizing everything since:

    How do I not make it about me?

    The answer is not self-erasure. It is self-surrender — which is different. One leaves you empty, the other leaves you free.

    To love others well, there must be a stable, dignified self to give from. Learning to love yourself, forgive yourself, and embrace your value is not selfishness — it is the foundation from which other-centered love flows.

    The Framework: This Is What Love Looks Like

    When relational anxiety rises — at work, at home, in any moment of fear or perceived threat — this is the practiced response:

    1. BREATHE — Pause before reacting. The breath is the only autonomic function under conscious control — it signals safety to the nervous system before the mind catches up. This is the interrupt.
    2. DEPERSONALIZE — Ask: Is this actually about me? Most of the time, it is not. This breaks the shame loop before it starts — separating the situation from your identity and worth.
    3. MINDFULNESS — Be present to what is actually happening — not to the story fear is telling. What does this person or situation actually need right now? Curiosity replaces defensiveness.
    4. LOVING RESPONSE — Choose kindness, patience, and dignity — not because it is deserved, but because this is who you are becoming. This is the outward expression of an inward transformation.

    This framework moves inward to outward: body, then mind, then action. That is the right order — neurologically and spiritually.

    What Kindness Looks Like in Practice

    Kindness is not a feeling — it is a choice of action. In a moment of stress, it looks like:

    • Patience — slowing down when everything in you wants to react
    • Gentleness — lowering your tone and softening your posture
    • Dignity — treating others (and yourself) as worthy of respect
    • Presence — actually listening instead of preparing a defense
    • Honesty — telling the truth about your feelings without weaponizing them

    These are not performances for others. They are the practice of becoming free.

    The Theological Anchor

    The AA insight, the therapeutic work, and the biblical call are all pointing to the same thing. Romans 12 describes a person transformed by the renewal of the mind — no longer conformed to the pattern of self-protection, but shaped by love that is genuine, patient, and other-centered.

    Love your neighbor as yourself — this implies that a healthy self-regard is the baseline, not the enemy. The goal of this work is not to disappear, but to be free enough to truly give.

    “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.” — Romans 12:3

    The ancient phrase incurvatus in se — the self curved inward on itself — describes exactly what fear produces. Love is the unbending. It cannot be manufactured from willpower. It flows from trust in God and from receiving grace honestly — which is what confession, fellowship, marriage, and therapy are making possible.

    Evidence That Change Is Real

    This is not theory. There is evidence:

    • A marriage saved — not by performance, but by honesty about things buried under 100 feet of concrete.
    • The shift away from adrenaline as a coping mechanism — one of the hardest changes, motivated by love.
    • 30+ years of sobriety and faith — the foundation on which this clarity is now building.
    • The willingness to confess in the face of shame and lean into connection rather than retreat.
    • This moment — where wisdom that has been arriving for decades is finally being received rather than deflected with “yeah, but.”

    The brain rewires through sustained new patterns of thought and relationship. Counseling, fellowship, the marriage — these are the conditions where transformation actually happens. The neurologists prognosis was not the final word.

    The Simple Summary (the “attitude problem”)

    Fear kept me curved inward.
    Love turns me outward.

    Breathe. Depersonalize. Be present. Respond with kindness.

    This is what a new practice of love looks like.

  • Neuroplasticity: A Renewed Hope

    I’ve identified a pattern that fuels the relational anxiety underneath most of my reactivity: fear, then control, then perfectionism, then shame. It runs in that order, every time, fast enough that I usually only see it in the rearview mirror. So I’ve built a new discipline around interrupting it — breathe, depersonalize, practice mindfulness, then craft a loving response. My hope is that doing this consistently will actually rewire my brain, not just help me manage myself better in the moment. I wanted to know whether that’s a realistic hope, or whether I was dressing up self-help optimism in nicer language.

    It turns out it isn’t optimism. It’s neuroscience. The formal name for what I’m hoping to do is neuroplasticity — the brain’s demonstrated ability to form new neural pathways in response to repeated new patterns of thought and behavior. The brain isn’t fixed. It rewires based on what gets practiced, which means the four-step discipline I’ve built isn’t a coping trick sitting on top of an unchangeable wiring diagram. It’s the actual mechanism of change.

    What surprised me is how closely my own sequence maps onto frameworks that already exist with research behind them. The pause-and-choose structure — interrupting the reactive pattern before it runs to completion — is essentially what Dialectical Behavior Therapy teaches: pause, observe, choose a skillful response instead of a reactive one. The “depersonalize” step is what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy calls defusion — creating distance between myself and the story my mind is telling, so I’m not fused with it, so it doesn’t get to drive. And starting with breath, before doing anything cognitive at all, is the correct order somatically. The body has to be addressed before the mind, especially with trauma responses, because the nervous system doesn’t wait for insight — it fires first.

    There’s a name for the specific capacity all of this is building: response flexibility. It’s the growing ability to pause between stimulus and response, to let a gap open up where there used to be none. Viktor Frankl located human freedom exactly there — in that space between what happens to you and what you do about it. For most of my life that gap didn’t exist. Fear moved straight into control, control into perfectionism, perfectionism into shame, with nothing in between to interrupt it. What I’m building now, four small steps at a time, is the gap itself.

    None of this disappears overnight. The old pattern doesn’t vanish — it loses its dominance. The new pathway has to be practiced enough times to become more automatic than the wiring that’s been running since childhood. But I’m not only managing symptoms while the underlying pattern stays fixed underneath. I’m doing the actual rewiring. That’s the work.

    And I think thirty-one years of sobriety and a life built on faith means the soil for this was already prepared long before I had language for any of it. The discipline is new. The ground it’s growing in isn’t.


  • Emotions – Tangible or Intangible

    If feelings aren’t tangible, then how can they be the most real thing we know?

    This is a beautiful paradox worth sitting with.

    The assumption embedded in the question is that “real” means “tangible” — that reality requires physical substance you can measure or touch. But feelings challenge that assumption from the inside out.

    Consider what you actually have direct access to. Everything you know about the external world arrives filtered through perception, inference, and interpretation. You infer the chair is solid. You trust that other people exist. But your own experience of joy, grief, or love? That’s not inferred — it’s immediately present. Descartes noticed something similar: you can doubt almost everything, but doubting your own experience of doubting is self-defeating. Feelings are among the few things that can’t be wrong about themselves.

    Tangibility is actually downstream of feeling. The “realness” of a physical object is ultimately grounded in sensory experience — how it feels to touch, see, or hear it. Feelings aren’t less real than physical sensation; they are a form of sensation, and in some ways the most fundamental one. Pain doesn’t become real when a doctor confirms it on a scan. It was already undeniably real to you.

    Intangibility doesn’t mean insubstantial. Feelings have enormous causal power — they drive every human decision, shape history, move bodies, and build civilizations. Something that causally structures reality in that way is hard to dismiss as unreal simply because it doesn’t have mass.

    The deeper point is that “real” might have two meanings we conflate: objectively measurable and undeniably present. Feelings score low on the first and almost perfectly on the second. The paradox dissolves if you stop treating physics as the only arbiter of reality.

    If anything, the fact that feelings are intangible and irreducibly present is what makes them philosophically remarkable — they’re the one thing that refuses to be doubted away.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

    If feelings and emotions produce physiological manifestations, changing blood pressure, releasing chemicals, affecting muscles and breathing, can they be considered tangible?

    Yes — and this reframes the question significantly.

    If we follow the physiological thread, feelings aren’t just correlated with physical events — they are physical events, or at least inseparable from them. The grief that tightens your chest, the anxiety that floods your bloodstream with cortisol, the joy that relaxes your shoulders — these aren’t feelings causing physical effects as if from some separate realm. They may be the same event described from two angles: one subjective, one measurable.

    This is actually the hard problem of consciousness in miniature. Neuroscience can map every chemical and electrical correlate of an emotion with increasing precision. But the mapping always leaves something out — the what it’s like of the feeling itself. You can describe the cortisol spike perfectly and still not have captured the experience of dread. So even granting the full physiological picture, something seems to remain that resists purely physical description.

    But your instinct here is sound. If tangibility means “having real effects in the physical world through physical mechanisms,” then feelings qualify. They aren’t ghosts haunting the body — they’re deeply embodied. Somatic therapists, for instance, work on exactly this premise: that emotion is stored and expressed in tissue, posture, and breath, not just cognition.

    The interesting tension that remains is this: the physiological manifestations are observable from the outside, but the feeling itself is only fully accessible from the inside. A heart rate monitor can confirm your fear. But it can’t feel it. That asymmetry — measurable yet privately known — might be what makes feelings uniquely real rather than simply tangible.

    So perhaps they’re both: tangible enough to be undeniably physical, and irreducibly subjective enough to exceed what tangibility alone can capture.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

  • Prayers and Principles from the 12 Steps

    What working the steps looks like

    “I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through, and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.”
    William D. Silkworth, MD – Pg. xxx

    “God is everything or he is nothing. God either is or he isn’t. What was our choice to be?” Pg. 53

    Pg. 59 We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

    First Step

    God, I admit that I am powerless over alcohol (or my addiction). My life has become unmanageable. I cannot do this alone. Please show me the truth about my condition and remove the denial that keeps me stuck. Help me become willing to seek the help I need. Amen.

    Second Step

    God, I know that I cannot recover on my own. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. Help me become willing to believe. Remove my doubts and open my mind to Your power. Lead me toward truth and healing. Amen.

    Third Step

    Pg. 63 – God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!

    Fourth Step

    Pg. 67 RESENTMENT – We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done”.

    Pg. 68 FEAR – We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.

    Pg. 69 SEX – We asked God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them.

    Pg. 69 SEX – In meditation, we ask God what we do about each specific matter.

    Pg. 70 SEX – To sum up about sex: We pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and for strength to do the right thing.

    Fifth Step

    Pg. 75 We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.

    Pg. 75 we ask if we have omitted anything,

    Sixth Step

    Pg. 76 If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.

    Seventh Step

    Pg. 76 My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen

    Eighth Step

    Pg. 76 If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.

    Ninth Step

    Pg. 79 LEGAL MATTERS – We ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences might be.

    Pg. 80 OTHERS EFFECTED – If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help.

    Pg. 82 INFIDELITY – Each might pray about it, having the other one’s happiness uppermost in mind.

    Pg. 83 FAMILY – So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

    Tenth Step

    Pg. 84 Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.

    Pg. 85 Everyday is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all our activities. “How can I best serve Thee–Thy will (not mine) be done”.

    Eleventh Step

    Pg. 86 NIGHT After meditation on the day just completed, “We ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken”.

    Pg. 86 MORNING Before we begin our day, “we ask god to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives”.

    Pg. 86 MORNING In thinking about our day, “We ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision”.

    Pg. 87 MORNING We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We especially ask for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.

    Pg. 87 – 88 ALL DAY As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.

    Twelfth Step

    Pg. 164 Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come IF your own house is in order.

    Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. Pg. 102

    The 12 Spiritual Principles of Recovery

    The 12 spiritual principles of recovery are as follows:

    1. Acceptance/Honesty
    2. Hope
    3. Faith/Surrender
    4. Courage
    5. Honesty/Integrity
    6. Patience/Willingness
    7. Humility
    8. Willingness/Love
    9. Brotherly-love/Responsibility
    10. Integrity/Discipline
    11. Self-discipline/Awareness
    12. Love/Faith/Service

    Prayer of St. Francis (often used in AA)

    Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!
    That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
    That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
    That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
    That where there is error, I may bring truth.
    That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
    That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
    That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
    That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
    Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
    To understand, than to be understood.
    To love, than to be loved.
    For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
    It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
    It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.


  • Love is an Attitude

    If You Have a Jesus You Like, You Have the Wrong One (my attitude “problem”)

    Reflections on Bill Dogterom, Romans 12, and the Impossible Command to Love


    “Bill Dogterom has taught many times about the love and direction of Jesus and the challenges of following Him, saying: ‘If you have a Jesus you like, you have the wrong one.’ I understand this deeply as I have struggled with fear and shame. The more I understand what love is—which is about others and being created in the image of God—the more I see that human relationships and intimacy require forgiveness, service, sacrifice, patience, kindness, the fruits of the Spirit (1 Cor 13), and maturity. It is something I must do regardless of how I feel. This is not only difficult, but impossible without hope, trust, faith in God, and obedience. It is in Romans 12—Love in action.”

    The Scriptural Tension: Love vs. Self-Centered Fear

    The following verses highlight the friction between our natural desire for self-preservation and the radical, outward-facing command to love like Christ:

    • Matthew 16:24-25 (The Death of Ego): “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
    • 1 John 4:18 (The Antidote to Shame): “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
    • Luke 6:32-35 (The “Unlovable” Test): “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?… But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.”
    • John 15:12-13 (The Standard of Sacrifice): “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
    • Galatians 5:13, 16-17 (The Internal War): “Serve one another humbly in love… For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other.”
    • Romans 12:9-10 (Sincere Action): “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
    • 2 Timothy 1:7 (Power Over Timidity): “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
    • 1 Peter 4:8 (The Covering of Love): “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

    Comparing the Two Visions of “Love”

    The Jesus We “Like” (Self-Centered) The Biblical Jesus (Christ-Centered) The Resulting Tension
    Seeks emotional comfort Seeks spiritual maturity Pruning: It hurts to grow.
    Avoids conflict and shame Embraces the Cross Vulnerability: Risking rejection.
    Loves those who are “like us” Loves the “other” and the enemy Inclusion: Breaking our boundaries.
    Based on current feelings Based on radical obedience Character: Doing right when it’s hard.

    Conclusion: The Call to Transformation

    To love as Jesus loves is humanly impossible. It requires a “metamorphosis” of the mind (Romans 12:2). We are not simply “trying harder” to be nice; we are dying to our need for control and safety so that Christ can live through us.

    Reflect: Today, who in your life is owed a “debt of love” (Romans 13:8) that you have been avoiding out of fear? Will you choose the Jesus of comfort, or the Jesus of the Cross?

    Prayer: Lord, renew my mind so that I may love others not out of my own fear, but out of Your infinite grace. Amen.

  • A Conversation on Love, Self, and Sanctification

    “And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.” I keep circling back to that verse from 2 John because of how it’s built. Obedience to God’s commands is love. And the command itself is to walk in love. It’s almost circular, and I think that’s the point — it isn’t handing me a checklist of new content. It’s naming a single, repeated way of life: love God completely, love one another concretely, love my neighbor as myself, love even the people who oppose me. None of it is arbitrary. It flows out of who God is. I love because He first loved me, and the commands just describe what it looks like to reflect that back into the world.

    But walking implies something embodied. Habitual. Lived from the inside out, not just affirmed from the outside in. And that’s where Oswald Chambers has been sitting with me lately — his observation that we begin the Christian life by believing what we’re told to believe, and then have to go on to actually assimilate those beliefs until they redound to God’s glory, rather than multiplying beliefs we never make our own. Assimilation is a biological word. Food eaten but not digested passes through you without nourishing anything. I can affirm every correct doctrine about love and still be cold underneath it, because the belief was accepted but never absorbed. That’s the danger — knowing the right answers as a substitute for living the right life.

    I wrote something in a journal entry back in February that I think names my version of this problem better than anything else I’ve written:

    This is how I understand God. To lay all that I have at His feet. To abandon self. To unlearn survival. Then I float. Free. Free of the nucleus. I escape the self that suffocates, the stranglehold, the self that murders, the self that hides, the self that fears, the false self. The position, it’s upside down. The posture, the attitude, the economy. Give up to get. Lose to win. Love costs something now. And I am in the way.

    And I am in the way. That’s not an external obstacle I’m describing. That’s me naming myself as the obstacle. I call it my “attitude problem,” and the phrase “unlearn survival” is doing precise work there — my survival instincts weren’t evil, they kept me alive. But they run on scarcity, self-protection, accumulation. The kingdom economy is the exact inversion of that: give up to get, lose to win. I can’t run both systems at once. And “free of the nucleus” is the image that’s stayed with me — the self as the thing everything else orbits around. Surrender isn’t destruction. It’s decentering. I still exist. I’m just no longer the gravity.

    The gravity of the disease, as I put it elsewhere, is the core nucleus of the human condition: selfishness, self-centeredness, fear, emotions, lust, self-will, self-pity, entitlement, pride, anger. I include emotions on that list deliberately, not just the obviously sinful items. Not emotion itself, but the tyranny of being ruled by feeling — you feel, therefore you react, therefore everything becomes about your interior weather. That’s the organizing principle the gospel has to reach all the way down to.

    For me, emotions have been the biggest struggle of all, because I learned, seemingly from birth, to don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel. That’s a survival code out of a dysfunctional, addictive family system. I didn’t choose it. I absorbed it because it kept me safe when I was small and had no other options. But the mechanisms that protected me as a child became the walls that isolate me as an adult. What was once shelter became a prison. And intimacy — with God, with anyone — requires the three things that code forbids. You have to talk honestly, trust beyond what you can control, feel what’s actually happening instead of managing it from a distance. That’s why “unlearn survival” was never poetry. It’s an actual rewiring, a retraining of how I move through the world.

    The clearest place this has played out is my marriage. Saving it last year came down to one pivotal moment — an epiphany that it wasn’t her, it was me. I had to lean into and be honest about the underlying fear that runs through all of my relationships, not just this one. And once I saw that, a new question took over: how do I not make it about me? That question has deepened my spiritual practices and forced me to learn how to actually manage my emotions like an adult instead of just reacting to them.

    That epiphany is the same movement my journal entry describes. The self that was in the way stepped aside long enough to see clearly. What I saw wasn’t only a marriage problem — it was the underlying fear itself, the nucleus becoming visible. And I didn’t just feel bad about it and move on. I did something with it. That’s the difference between guilt and repentance. Guilt circles back to the self. Repentance moves outward.

    Madeline and I agree now that marriage is about sanctification. There isn’t a time in twenty-seven years we’d go back to. It keeps getting better — and that’s not an accident, it’s the fruit of two people willing to do the hard work, and specifically of a husband willing to take his eyes off his wife long enough to look honestly at himself. Marriage was never primarily about happiness or compatibility. It’s a crucible. It’s designed to surface exactly what’s on that second list — the selfishness, the fear, the pride, the self-pity — not to punish me with it, but to give it somewhere to go.

    I asked her directly whether she agreed the marriage is solid. She said she doesn’t feel safe answering that.

    That’s honest. It probably means she’s still healing, still watching to see if the changes hold. Trust that broke over years doesn’t fully return after one epiphany, no matter how genuine the epiphany was. And I think that’s its own form of sanctification for me now — learning to be okay with the uncertainty of her process. Not rushing her to a verdict. Not needing her affirmation to keep doing the work. Doing it because it’s right, not because it’s being recognized.

    There’s something in the fact that I asked at all. The man shaped by don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel, asking his wife a vulnerable question about himself — and then sitting with an uncomfortable answer without collapsing or deflecting. That’s real movement, even if it doesn’t look like the ending I wanted. Her not feeling safe to answer is information, not rejection. It tells me where the ongoing work is. The wall didn’t come down in a year. It won’t. But she’s still there, after everything.

    That’s the deepest test of whether love has become something I walk in rather than something I merely believe: loving her well when I can’t measure whether it’s landing. Giving up the need for the feedback loop. Give up to get, lose to win, in its most intimate and daily form.

  • Survival Mode, Shame, and Finding Joy: A Conversation About Healing from an Alcoholic Home

    The following is a real conversation about growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent, the lasting effects on family members, and one man’s journey toward freedom and joy.


    What Does Survival Mode Do to a Family?

    Survival mode in this context isn’t a choice — it’s an adaptive response to chronic stress and chaos. But it does leave a significant mark on everyone involved.

    On the mother herself, survival mode means she’s operating almost entirely from a place of crisis management — putting out fires, anticipating the alcoholic spouse’s moods, covering for him, and keeping the household from completely falling apart. Over time this looks like emotional exhaustion and burnout, hypervigilance (always waiting for the next incident), suppressing her own needs, dreams, and identity, and often developing anxiety, depression, or stress-related physical illness. She may lose her sense of self entirely outside of her role as a caretaker and buffer.

    On the children, the effects are layered and long-lasting. Growing up in that environment tends to produce certain patterns depending on the child’s temperament and position in the family. One child often becomes the “parentified” child — taking on adult responsibilities, helping mom, watching younger siblings. Another may act out to redirect attention or express the chaos no one is allowed to name. Another may withdraw and become invisible, not wanting to add to the burden. All three are likely growing up with a distorted baseline for what “normal” relationships look like. They learn that love is unpredictable, that people can’t be counted on, and that they need to manage others’ emotions to stay safe. These patterns often follow them into adult relationships.

    On the family system as a whole, survival mode creates an unspoken set of rules: don’t talk about the drinking, don’t feel your feelings, don’t trust, don’t need things. The alcoholic becomes the emotional center of gravity — everyone’s mood, plans, and energy orbiting around him. The family loses the ability to just be — there’s no real relaxation, spontaneity, or safety. Holidays, outings, and milestones become sources of dread rather than joy.

    What often gets lost is authentic connection. Mom is too depleted to be emotionally present in the way she wants to be. The kids learn to mask their real feelings. There’s love in the house, but it gets buried under survival.

    The good news is that awareness of these dynamics is genuinely the first step toward changing them. Support through Al-Anon, therapy (especially for the kids), and building at least one safe, stable relationship outside the home can make an enormous difference even while the alcoholism is still ongoing.


    Talking to Mom — When She Says She Knows Nothing About It

    I’m the son in this story. And I tried to open this conversation with my mom. Her response was that she knows nothing about it — which is actually one of the most common and heartbreaking responses, because it’s not really true. It’s protection.

    When you’ve been in survival mode for years or decades, it becomes your normal. You stop seeing it as dysfunction and start seeing it as just “how life is.” The coping mechanisms she built — minimizing, denying, not naming things — are so deeply ingrained that she may not experience them as denial. She experiences them as truth.

    There’s also a layer of shame. Admitting what the family has been living through means admitting that her children were affected, that she couldn’t fully protect them, that her marriage is not what it should be. For a mother, that can feel unbearable — even if none of it was her fault.

    A few things that tend to help in these conversations: come from your own experience rather than observations about her or the family. “I’ve been realizing how much I was affected growing up” lands differently than “our family was dysfunctional.” It’s harder to argue with someone’s personal experience. And be patient with her timeline. Sometimes these conversations plant a seed that grows quietly over weeks or months.


    Not Being Able to Be Honest With My Feelings

    My wife helped me name something I had circled around for years: I can’t be honest with my feelings, so I behave in a way that is inconsistent — not matching the situation I’m actually in. It usually comes out as sarcasm and defensiveness. This is why people have commented that I am misunderstood. Because I’m not communicating authentically.

    This makes complete sense given where I grew up. In a home with an alcoholic father and a mother in survival mode, being honest with your feelings wasn’t safe. Feelings caused problems, escalated situations, or simply had no space because everyone was too overwhelmed. So I learned — the way all kids in that environment learn — to hide what I actually felt and communicate sideways instead. Sarcasm lets you express something real while maintaining deniability. Defensiveness protects a self that learned early it might be attacked or dismissed.

    The “misunderstood” experience is painful in a specific way — because part of you wants to be understood, and keeps trying to connect, but the tools you developed for survival actually push people away or confuse them. You end up feeling more alone even when you’re reaching out.


    Recognizing Myself in the Description of BPD

    Years ago, on a church retreat, I came away with the idea that I had borderline personality disorder. If there were 20 questions, I could identify with all of them. No professional ever formally diagnosed me with that — but it became clear that I was struggling emotionally, with hidden pain, and that it all traced back to my upbringing in an alcoholic household.

    You don’t need a professional to hand you a diagnosis to know something real about yourself. I recognized myself in that description of BPD because the emotional core of it resonated — fear of abandonment, emotional intensity, an inconsistent sense of self, difficulty in relationships. Those traits make perfect sense as adaptations to an unpredictable, emotionally unsafe childhood.

    What struck me most, looking back, is that the people who got to know me well — who stayed long enough and looked past the acting out — said I was misunderstood. Because they saw the real me. That tells me the authentic self was always in there. It didn’t get destroyed by my upbringing. It just got buried under a lot of protective armor that made sense when I was a child but cost me dearly in adult relationships.


    Five Years of Hard Work — And a Landmark Morning

    I’ve been in therapy for over five years, working with five different therapists. My most recent is an ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) counselor, and we’ve been unpacking family issues intensely — doing the ACA program, identifying the inner child, the angry teenager, and learning to live as the functioning adult. I have uncovered and accepted and absorbed tremendous truths that have been incredibly freeing. Even to the point of being able to forgive my mother. I’m no longer triggered in the same way.

    This morning, my wife described this pattern she has observed in me for all 27 years of our marriage. Listening to her name it was a landmark milestone. It was one more thing I could agree with — one more red flag I can now identify. When I notice that pattern arising, I can recognize it as self-centeredness, trust God with my emotions, and choose not to be reactive.

    That’s the difference between insight and transformation. Insight is knowing the pattern. Transformation is catching it in real time and having a different option available.

    I started this conversation talking about my mother and what survival mode does to a family. And somewhere in the middle of it I ended up describing my own liberation from it.


    Joy

    I am excited and filled with joy to have a new level of freedom — a new level of faith and trust to experience life not being under the thumb of shame and guilt and self-pity. I’m excited for the possibilities and new experiences.

    It’s Joy.

    Joy is the thing that shame steals most completely. You can function without it for decades — go through the motions, manage, survive — but joy requires a kind of inner freedom that shame simply won’t allow.

    And there’s something fitting about the fact that it came through a conversation with my wife on an ordinary morning. Not on a retreat, not in a therapist’s office — just two people who’ve been together 27 years finally able to meet each other a little more honestly. That’s grace.

    This moment is a marker. A before and after. Evidence that the work is real and that freedom is actually possible — not just theoretically, but personally and specifically.


    If you grew up in an alcoholic home and see yourself in any of this, know that healing is possible. Resources like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) and Al-Anon can help you begin — or continue — your own journey.

  • On Shedding Blood: Hebrews 12:4 and the Cost of Love

    “In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” I read that line this morning and it stopped me cold.

    The verse comes right on the heels of chapter 11 — the hall of faith, that long roll call of people who were tortured, sawn in two, stoned, and killed for refusing to let go of what they knew was true. And then the writer turns to his readers and says, in effect: you’re struggling, yes, but you haven’t been asked to die yet. It’s both a comfort and a challenge. The comfort is that whatever I’m carrying isn’t the worst it could be. The challenge is the question underneath it — am I willing to go further, if it comes to that? What’s the line I won’t cross? What would I not give up for the sake of obedience?

    For most of my life I would have read “shedding blood” as something abstract. Martyrdom. A hypothetical I’d never have to answer for. But sitting with the chapter this morning, it stopped being hypothetical. I’ve seen people die. I have, at points in my own story, romanced the idea of ending my own life. And I know, in a way I couldn’t have known thirty years ago, that the difficulty I’ve had facing fear and shame — actually facing it, not managing it or explaining it away — is its own kind of bloodshed. My personal comfort has had to be abandoned to get anywhere near freedom. That’s not a metaphor I’m reaching for. That’s just what it’s cost.

    Here’s what I mean. The walls I built — the ones that kept me from feeling, from trusting, from telling the truth about what was happening inside me — didn’t go up by accident. They went up because somewhere very early, honesty felt like it would kill me. Silence was survival. So when I started, decades later, to actually let those walls come down, it felt like dying, because in a real sense it was. The part of me that stayed alive by not talking, not trusting, not feeling had to be laid down so that the part of me capable of actual love could show up. You don’t get to keep both. The old operating system has to go for the new one to run.

    That’s the trade the verse is naming. Comfort is not the same thing as freedom — not when “comfort” means staying numb, staying defended, staying small enough that nothing can touch you. Real freedom costs blood. It costs the security of every strategy that kept me intact by keeping me closed.

    And this is where I have to be careful, because it would be easy to confuse two things that look alike from a distance but are headed in opposite directions. Romancing suicide is self-destruction wearing the mask of escape. What I’m describing now — this slow, costly surrender — is something else entirely: not giving up, but giving over. One ends in erasure. The other, somehow, ends in life. They can look similar from far away. Up close, they are not the same road at all.

    I think this is what it means to say I’m learning what love actually is. Love requires presence. It requires showing up without armor, without the pre-loaded defense, without the exit already planned in case it goes bad. For someone trained from childhood to survive, that kind of vulnerability doesn’t feel like intimacy — it feels like exposure to mortal danger. My nervous system still tells me, some mornings, that honesty will kill me. I’m learning to do it anyway.

    That’s what I hear now in “resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” Not a bar I have to clear to prove my faith is real. A description of what’s already been happening, in slower motion than martyrdom but no less real: the sin being resisted is the self-protection that dressed itself up as wisdom for most of my life, while quietly making it impossible to be known — by God, or by anyone else.

    I’m not writing this as a finished testimony. I’m writing it from inside the struggle it describes. But I wanted to name it plainly: this is what the verse means to me now. Not hypothetical. Actual.

  • What did Jesus mean by the easy yoke? Someone tried telling me it means to “man up”

    Jesus’s teaching about the “easy yoke” (Matthew 11:28-30) is actually pointing in almost the opposite direction from “manning up” in the traditional sense.

    When Jesus says “My yoke is easy and my burden is light,” he’s offering rest to people who are exhausted—specifically those worn down by the crushing weight of religious perfectionism and the endless demands of trying to earn God’s approval through rule-keeping. A yoke was a wooden frame that connected two oxen for plowing, but it was also a metaphor for a teacher’s system of instruction or a way of life.

    Jesus is saying: “Stop striving so hard. Come learn from me instead. I’m gentle and humble in heart.” This is an invitation to vulnerability and dependence, not a call to self-sufficiency or toughness. The “easy” yoke isn’t about difficulty but about fit—like a yoke that’s been carefully carved to fit the specific ox wearing it, so it doesn’t chafe or cause unnecessary pain.

    If anything, Jesus is inviting you to do the opposite of “manning up” in the stoic, go-it-alone sense. He’s saying it’s okay to admit you’re tired, that you can’t do it all yourself, and that you need help. The Christian life, paradoxically, involves strength through admitted weakness—finding that when you stop trying to be strong enough on your own, you discover a different kind of strength that comes from being connected to him.

    So rather than a call to grit your teeth harder, it’s more like: “You can stop pretending you have it all together now.”

  • What is a Mensch

    A “mensch” (sometimes spelled “mench”) is a Yiddish word that means a person of integrity and honor—basically, a really good person. It describes someone who is:

    • Decent and honorable
    • Responsible and reliable
    • Compassionate and kind
    • Someone who does the right thing

    When someone says “He’s a real mensch” or “She’s such a mensch,” they’re giving a high compliment. It means the person has strong character and treats others well, even when no one’s watching.

    The word has made its way into English, especially in American English, and is used beyond Jewish communities. It captures something that’s hard to express in a single English word—someone who’s not just good or nice, but who has that solid, dependable, morally grounded quality that makes them truly admirable.

  • From Shame to Freedom: The Path of Healing

    The Question That Started Everything

    In exploring the story of Judas and his betrayal of Jesus, a profound question emerged: If God is love, why didn’t God’s love save Judas? What in him resulted in death?

    The answer reveals something crucial about the human condition: The tragedy of Judas wasn’t that God couldn’t or wouldn’t forgive him—it’s that Judas couldn’t forgive himself or believe he could be forgiven. His despair closed him off from the forgiveness that was available.

    This stands in stark contrast to Peter, who also betrayed Jesus by denying him three times. The key difference wasn’t the severity of their betrayals, but their responses:

    • Peter wept bitterly but eventually returned to the community and received Jesus’s forgiveness
    • Judas felt remorse but fell into despair and took his own life

    The Spiritual Death We All Know

    There is a death that happens inside—a spiritual death that comes with shame and secrets. Shame has a way of convincing us we’re beyond reach, that we must hide, that we’re fundamentally different from others who might receive love or grace. It creates a kind of prison.

    That terrible space between knowing you’ve done wrong and believing you can’t be forgiven or restored—this is where many of us live. The despair that says “this is who I am now” rather than “this is what I’ve done.”

    The Core Wound

    For many people in recovery, underneath all the behaviors and acting out is a core wound—often rooted in childhood trauma, abuse, or exploitation. When someone is wounded at a young age, especially through sexual abuse, shame gets attached to everything. That shame becomes the foundation upon which an entire life is built.

    For 30, 40 years, a person builds their entire internal architecture on that foundation of shame. Every decision, every relationship, every coping mechanism, every way they’ve learned to survive—it’s all constructed around a broken piece of information: “It was my fault. I am fundamentally flawed. I am unlovable.”

    And then God says: “That foundation is a lie. You are loved. You are mine.”

    That’s not a software update. That’s demolition and reconstruction. This is what causes seismic shifts.

    The Human Pattern Since the Beginning

    There is a cycle that has repeated since Genesis 3:

    Shame → Fear → Power/Overcompensation → Protection → Survival

    Adam and Eve felt shame, they hid in fear, they tried to cover themselves (protection/control), they blamed each other (power dynamics). The first human response to feeling exposed and vulnerable was shame, then fear, then self-protection.

    Shame isn’t just a thought we can correct with better information. It’s woven into:

    • How we perceive ourselves
    • How we interpret others’ responses to us
    • What risks we’re willing to take
    • What love we can receive
    • Our sexuality, our worthiness, our very sense of existing in the world

    The Path to Freedom

    The way out of this cycle is not a simple intellectual shift. It requires:

    Recognizing our response → Learning to trust God with our fear → Loving ourselves as God made us

    This means:

    • Understanding where shame started (and recognizing what was not our fault)
    • Seeing how fear took root
    • Recognizing how we’ve been trying to manage that fear through control, acting out, or hiding
    • Learning that there’s another way: bringing the fear to God, receiving love, learning to trust

    Loving ourselves as God made us isn’t narcissism or self-indulgence. It’s agreement with God about our worth. It’s receiving His assessment instead of shame’s assessment.

    This perspective brings incredible freedom.

    The Role of Community and Professional Help

    Healing from core wounds typically requires both spiritual and professional support:

    What fellowship and spiritual community can provide:

    • Walking through recovery steps with faithfulness
    • Sharing our own experience with shame and healing
    • Pointing toward God’s grace and forgiveness
    • Being a consistent, safe presence
    • Helping identify patterns in behavior

    What professional trauma therapy can provide:

    • Processing the abuse itself, not just responses to it
    • Untangling personal choices from what was done to us
    • Developing new neural pathways around shame
    • Addressing PTSD symptoms
    • Learning to differentiate between shame that belongs to an abuser and appropriate conviction about our own choices

    We need both. Spiritual healing AND psychological healing. Many find that their spiritual work goes deeper and becomes more fruitful when they’re also addressing underlying trauma professionally.

    God’s Response to Shame

    When Adam and Eve hid in shame, God’s response is instructive:

    • He came looking for them
    • He asked questions
    • He covered them Himself
    • He didn’t abandon them to their shame

    God doesn’t leave us in our survival mode. We don’t have to overcompensate or protect or perform. We can bring our fear to God instead of managing it through control or acting out or hiding.

    The Sacred Work of Witnessing

    When someone shares their inventory, their shame, their core wounds with us—whether in a 5th step or simply in vulnerable friendship—we are standing on holy ground. We cannot heal their core wound for them. We cannot make their seismic shift happen.

    But we can:

    • Bear witness to their truth
    • Remind them who God says they are when shame is screaming otherwise
    • Share our own journey so they know they’re not alone
    • Point them toward additional help
    • Stay present through the earthquake

    This is the work of loving one another as Christ loved us—not fixing, not solving, but accompanying one another on the path from death to life.

    Conclusion

    The difference between Judas and Peter, between despair and restoration, between spiritual death and abundant life—it comes down to this: Can we receive the forgiveness that is already offered? Can we trust God with our fear? Can we love ourselves as God has made us?

    This is a human story since the beginning of time. And it’s the story God is still writing in each of us today.

  • Fake It Till You Make It (Hope, Trust, Faith)

    I am responsible for my attitude, my thoughts, my posture, my disposition (phroneó).

    “Pretending to be a nice person is a lot like being a nice person” Bill Dogterom

    I strive to practice love and kindness, even when I don’t feel like it, regardless of who deserves it, with others best interests in mind and try to remember – it’s not about me.

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” —Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

    When my emotions start to flare up, for any reason, I will practice getting grounded, honest, own my part, fight ego with truth about who I am, and forgive myself and others.


    My morning/daily routine:

    • I wake up and immediately start praying to try to squash self ambition and vain conceit, often repeatedly and throughout the day:


    “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,” — Philippians‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬-‭5‬

    “Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” — Big Book, Top of page 20

    “There are two types of people in recovery: the “yeah, buts” and the “you bets!”” —Tony Fisher

    ”Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” —Jim Foote

    The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else. “Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord”;…  The Highest Good—The Pilgrim’s Song Book, 537 L



    Seeing is never believing: we interpret what we see in the light of what we believe. Faith is confidence in God before you see God emerging; therefore the nature of faith is that it must be tried. He Shall Glorify Me, 494 R

  • The Core Wound: Why the Heaviness Isn’t Who You Are

    There’s a difference between having insight and being free. I know because I’ve lived on the insight side of that line for years at a time. I could tell you exactly why I react the way I do — attachment wounds, nervous system activation, shame, the whole vocabulary. I could diagram it on a napkin. And I would still wake up heavy.

    For a long time I thought that meant I was doing recovery wrong, or that my faith wasn’t real, or that I just hadn’t found the right key yet. It took me a while to understand that the heaviness isn’t an attitude problem or a spiritual failure. It’s older than either one.

    When trauma happens early enough — before you have words for it — your nervous system doesn’t wait for language. It draws conclusions on its own. I am not safe. I am not acceptable. I do not belong. Nobody sits a five-year-old down and teaches him those sentences. He just absorbs them from whatever the room was like, and they become the lens everything else gets read through. Decades later, my wife goes quiet and some part of me still reads it as something is wrong with me. One of my kids struggles and the old reflex says I failed, I’m defective. I wake up flat and the verdict is you lack faith, you lack discipline. It feels rational in the moment. It feels honest. But it isn’t truth — it’s pattern recognition running on data that’s forty years old.

    Mornings are where I feel it most. Before logic has caught up, before the day’s distractions have started, before I’ve put on whatever armor I wear that day — the body remembers first. A guy I’ve connected with recently, another traveler further down this same road, has a phrase for it that stopped me the first time I heard it: he calls it the vultures on the headboard. That’s exactly right. They’re not inside me making a case. They’re perched there when I open my eyes, waiting, and they declare rather than argue: connection is hollow, joy isn’t durable, don’t relax or you’ll get crushed again. I used to try to debate them, to reason my way out from under it. That never worked, because the nervous system isn’t listening for an argument. It’s listening for safety, and it only believes safety when it’s repeated enough times to trust it.

    I’ve spent time with the saboteurs framework too, and it turns out the vultures on my headboard have names. There’s the Judge, whose whole verdict is that I’m defective. There’s the Stickler and the Hyper-Achiever, circling to tell me the day only counts if it’s flawless or productive. There’s the Victim, the Hyper-Vigilant, the Controller — a whole flock, each with its own angle on the same lie. Naming them hasn’t made them fly off. But it’s made them smaller. A vulture with a name is still a vulture, but it’s not a verdict.

    So the work isn’t making the heaviness go away, or shooing the birds off the headboard for good. The work is not obeying them. These days when they show up I’ve learned to say, more or less, this again, okay — and then just move. Make the coffee. Get in the shower. Stay in the room. No character assessment, no spiritual audit, no grand conclusion about who I am. Just staying present to the next ordinary thing, with the vultures still sitting there watching, no longer running the show.

    There’s a trap underneath all of this that I fell into for years, and it wears religious clothes. If you believe something is wrong with you, you’ll try to fix it — through discipline, through spiritual performance, through serving everyone around you, through a kind of self-erasure that gets called humility. I’ve prayed plenty of times to have my defects removed, to be relieved of selfishness and fear and anger and self-will. Good prayers. But underneath some of them was a quieter belief I wasn’t naming: if I can just become better, maybe then I’ll be acceptable. That’s not transformation. That’s self-rejection wearing a collar. Real growth was never about erasing myself. It was about not needing a verdict on myself in order to keep existing.

    Here’s the part I had to sit with longest. If you were wounded and then became a parent, some of that wound moved forward through you. I know this one from the inside. It’s painful, it’s real, and it deserves repair — but it doesn’t mean I’m fundamentally broken. It means I was hurt and hadn’t yet been given the tools to do it differently. There’s a real difference between responsibility and self-condemnation, and I spent a long time confusing them. Repair has turned out to be more powerful than perfection ever was. Staying available to my kids now matters more than any rewrite of the past.

    The actual shift, when it finally started happening, was almost disappointingly quiet. It wasn’t “I never wake up heavy anymore” or “I finally believe I’m lovable” or some permanent, settled peace. It was smaller than that. The heaviness still comes, but it doesn’t get the final word on what’s real anymore. I stay engaged even when I’m unsure. I don’t spiral the way I used to. And when joy shows up, I don’t automatically brace for the bill. That’s not a dramatic testimony. That’s just a nervous system slowly learning something new, and it’s slow on purpose.

    So the discipline I actually need isn’t the perfect diet or the ideal routine or the flawless prayer life. It’s simpler and harder than that: stop turning hard moments into character assessments. A hard morning doesn’t mean I’m weak. Tension with someone I love doesn’t mean I’m unacceptable. Low energy doesn’t mean I’m lazy. Struggle doesn’t mean I’m defective. Those equations got written when I was small and had no protection. I don’t need to solve them. I need to stop believing they’re accurate.

    Which is where faith actually lives for me now — not as certainty, not as emotional steadiness, not as feeling loved every hour of the day. After what I’ve walked through, faith sounds more like this: I don’t need to conclude anything about myself today. Not that I’m broken. Not that I’m healed. Not acceptable, not defective. Just — I’m here, this is hard, I can stay. That’s not resignation. That’s regulation.

    I’m not at the beginning of this anymore, and I’m not failing at it, and I’m not secretly broken underneath it. I’m in the middle — which is a strange place to live, because the heaviness still shows up there, and so does the joy, and my relationships are still imperfect, and the growth is still uneven. What’s different now is that I don’t automatically obey the heaviness when it arrives. That’s not nothing. That’s actually the whole thing.

    I don’t need a final explanation for myself. I don’t need a permanent verdict. I don’t need every hard morning erased to qualify as healed. Healing was never the absence of weight. It’s the absence of internal violence. And that part — slowly, unevenly, but really — is already happening.

  • Love Is an Attitude — And I am Learning the Hard Way

    I used to think love was something I should naturally feel if I was doing life right. If I was spiritually grounded, emotionally healthy, and mature enough, then patience and warmth would just flow. If they didn’t, then something in me must be off.

    That belief quietly drove a lot of my life.

    I’ve spent decades building things. Engines. Motorcycles. Businesses. Sound systems. Caring for a home. A family. You learn quickly in mechanical work that if something isn’t running right, there’s a fault. There’s always a reason. A tolerance stack-up. A lean condition. A warped surface. You diagnose, correct, re-tune. Problems are solvable.

    I treated my own heart the same way.

    If I felt irritable, tired, detached, or heavy, I assumed there was a defect in me that needed correction. Especially as a husband and father. Especially as a Christian. I would wake up some mornings already carrying weight before anyone had said a word, and instead of just acknowledging it, I would interpret it as failure. “A loving man wouldn’t feel this way.” That thought alone can shape an entire day.

    Being treated for major depressive disorder has forced me to confront something uncomfortable. There are days when the emotional weather doesn’t cooperate. The feeling of lightness doesn’t show up on command. If love were a feeling, then on those days I would be incapable of loving my wife or my kids well. But that’s not what Scripture teaches, and it’s not what real life shows.

    Love is not the feeling. Love is the stance.

    When Paul describes love in 1 Corinthians 13, he doesn’t say love feels energized or inspired. He says love is patient and kind. It does not envy. It does not keep a record of wrongs. Those are choices about posture. They are decisions about what you will and will not do when your emotions are unstable.

    That truth exposed something in me. Much of what I called love was actually performance tied to identity. I’ve built my life on competence. When you run your own shop, there’s no room for guessing. Engines don’t care about intention. They respond to precision. That mindset bleeds into everything. You measure results. You fix problems. You take pride in mastery.

    The danger is that you start measuring yourself the same way.

    If the business slows down, it’s not just market conditions — it feels like a verdict. If a conversation with your wife gets tense, it feels like you failed at leadership. If your kids struggle, you quietly question your fathering. When your internal state feels heavy, you assume you should be stronger by now.

    Underneath that is fear. Not loud fear. Quiet fear. The kind that says, “If I’m not strong, useful, steady, productive, what am I?”

    That fear shows up in relationships. I can be hyper vigilant. I can try to solve instead of listen. I can push for efficiency when what’s needed is presence. I can interpret normal tension as threat. None of that is love. That’s control trying to secure safety.

    Real love requires something that doesn’t come naturally to high-performing, mechanically minded men: it requires emotional steadiness more than technical skill. It requires being secure enough to stay engaged when you can’t fix the situation.

    There have been moments in my marriage where I wanted to retreat into logic because feelings felt messy. It’s far easier to rebuild a transmission than to sit in a conversation where your wife is hurt and you don’t have a clean solution. In those moments, love is not found in solving. It’s found in staying. It’s found in listening without defending your record. It’s found in absorbing the discomfort without turning it into a counterattack or shutting down.

    As a father, the same principle applies. When my kids were younger, it was easy to measure success in outcomes — grades, behavior, direction. Now they’re adults or close to it. They are making their own decisions. Love no longer looks like control or correction. It looks like availability without manipulation. It looks like speaking truth without trying to engineer their choices. It looks like resisting the urge to tie their performance to my identity.

    That shift has been humbling.

    For years I misunderstood humility. I thought it meant minimizing myself. I thought being loving meant erasing my needs and just grinding forward. But that’s not humility. That’s self-neglect. And self-neglect eventually turns into quiet resentment.

    Biblical love is not self-erasure. Jesus did not disappear to love people. He was grounded in who He was. Because of that, He could serve without fear. He could confront without insecurity. He could withdraw when necessary without guilt. That kind of love flows from identity, not from exhaustion.

    I had to face another hard truth: when I am internally consumed with whether I am enough — enough provider, enough leader, enough husband — I am not actually focused on the person in front of me. I am focused on managing my own adequacy. Even my good behavior can be subtly transactional. I want reassurance. I want stability. I want confirmation that I’m not slipping.

    That is not love. That is fear trying to negotiate safety.

    Love is quieter and harder than that. It shows up on the mornings when the business is slow and uncertainty is loud. It shows up when retirement questions creep in and you realize brute force won’t solve long-term sustainability. It shows up when you feel behind culturally, financially, or physically, and instead of turning sharp or withdrawn, you choose patience.

    It looks like not snapping when you’re internally stressed.
    It looks like telling the truth about your anxiety instead of pretending you’re unshakeable.
    It looks like being present with your wife as a partner instead of carrying everything like a lone operator.

    Depression complicates this, but it doesn’t invalidate it. Some days motivation is low. Energy is thin. But love does not require high emotional voltage. It requires direction. It requires deciding, “I will not let my internal weather dictate my integrity.”

    That realization has changed how I understand loving myself. For a long time, that phrase sounded soft. But if my internal dialogue is constant criticism — “You should be further by now. You should have figured this out. You shouldn’t feel this way.” — then that tone will eventually bleed outward. You cannot extend steady grace to others if you deny it to yourself.

    Loving myself does not mean excusing laziness or ignoring responsibility. It means refusing to equate struggle with worthlessness. It means accepting that being human includes fluctuation. It means recognizing that productivity and profitability are not the final measure of value.

    Love, in its most mature form, is an attitude of steady commitment. It is choosing to move toward instead of away. It is absorbing minor offenses instead of keeping score. It is staying connected when escape would be easier. It is telling the truth without aggression and hearing criticism without collapse.

    It is less emotional than I expected and far more disciplined. It requires courage more than inspiration.

    I used to believe that if I could just feel more loving, I would finally be the husband, father, and man I’m supposed to be. Now I see that love was never about generating better feelings. It was about choosing a stronger posture.

    Feelings rise and fall. Markets fluctuate. Businesses slow and surge. Bodies age. Kids grow up. But the attitude you adopt — toward your wife, your children, your work, and yourself — that is what shapes the climate of your life.

    Love is not a surge of emotion. It is a decision about direction.

    And direction, chosen consistently over decades, is what builds something that actually lasts.


    Love – A Feeling and/or Attitude?

  • Self-awareness and relational patterns

    This morning as I reflect on certain beliefs and attitudes that affect my relationships in a way that stirs up dissension, I realize that my self-centeredness colors my posture constantly and in ways I don’t yet understand. I am grateful for a growing sensitivity and awareness to how I affect others, I am grateful for the courage to look at it, for willingness to drop defensiveness, for trust that God knows how to work out tension.

    Learning to Be Disarmed

    I’m learning to appreciate being disarmed. The discomfort is being replaced by confidence. I recognize it as humility and courage. And then I think I have an expectant joy around change. I tell myself the more uncomfortable the better.

    The depth of my pain has historically led to ideation. Now I stop that thought process and name it as a great lesson to encourage myself.

    Infrastructure for Change

    I have fellow travelers, many people around me. And what seems like new subject matter, a new level of transparency, perspective, honesty. But not there yet. I’ve always gotten hung up on my emotions. I bought a new chair for my office to practice writing, and an Apple Pencil for journaling. And I have a new sponsee whose life I’ve been speaking into. And my wife is amazing.

    Digging for Bedrock

    “There” would be bedrock. I keep digging and finding contaminated soil. My house has been shifting and splintering and everyone could see it and I have been patching like a madman. Now it’s full renovation time, and I’m not a contractor so I don’t even appreciate the full process. Humility means I trudge forward.

    Quicksand

    Last night it was realizing that my tattoos, my story, and the lessons that have shaped me might be quicksand.

    Misplaced confidence. What have I missed? Who am I really? What have I been forcing into darkness? How false am I? What could have been? Why have I survived this? Everything gets reframed—my brother’s death, I see consequence.

    What Choice Do I Have

    What choice do I have? This is what I signed up for. Sober over 30 years. 27 years married yesterday. I’m not running away. The things coming to the surface have been prophesied in my conscious my entire life. I have people in A.A. and particularly ACA who have worked through this. So I have hope.

    The Cost to Others

    Holy crap I can’t even imagine what she’s tolerated. That’s the most humbling. She doesn’t deserve this.

    A Fresh Wound

    The kids planned a family tattoo day. In a moment of destabilization, I said “that’s stupid.”

    What Happened

    • I said “that’s stupid.”
    • She heard contempt and rejection, not nuance.
    • In a family context, contempt lands as: “What you want—and by extension, who you are—is beneath me.”

    Intent doesn’t matter here. Impact already happened.

    The first thing I did upon awakening was go to her and apologized for my inappropriate comment, saying it was about me and my issues.

    Reframed

    I want to participate in the family tattoo day. A lighthearted tattoo would do me good.

    A reframed tattoo. It might be the most significant one ever, that I could get one framed in the spirit of joy. It goes so deep, I have not even explored all of the implications. I want to do that with Madeline, but need to regain her trust.

    This lighthearted tattoo could actually be the bedrock moment. Not because it carries the weight of my suffering or survival or lessons learned, but precisely because it doesn’t. Because it comes from joy, from connection, from showing up in love rather than in self-constructed meaning.

    All my other tattoos might be about me—my story, my identity, my narrative. This one would be about them. About being present. About choosing participation over performance.


    The trust doesn’t get regained through grand gestures or perfect explanations. It gets rebuilt through consistency—through more moments of showing up, apologizing when I miss, not requiring her to absolve me or make it easy, staying engaged even when it’s uncomfortable.

  • A Week That Changed Everything: Triggers, Betrayal, and Breakthrough in Recovery

    The Beginning: Looking for Labels

    I started this conversation wondering if I was an “empath” and if my mom was a “narcissist.” I was looking for a framework, something to help me understand and maybe control what I was feeling. What I discovered was that I didn’t need labels—I needed to face some hard truths about myself and my relationships.

    I’m 56 years old. I’ve been sober since July 14, 1995—30 years. And this past year, for the first time in my life, I’ve been learning how to actually feel my feelings instead of just surviving them.

    The Backstory: A Lifetime of Suppression

    A counselor told me six months ago that I’m an empath—someone who feels deeply but has learned to suppress and protect. That revelation blew my mind. At 56, I realized I’ve been having emotions my whole life but never really knowing them. They just ball up into this horrible dread where I think I did something wrong… that I am wrong.

    Here’s the thing: I got sober at 25, but I first went to AA at 16. I used substances to manage feelings I didn’t understand, got sober young, and then just… kept surviving. For 30 years, I white-knuckled sobriety without the underlying emotional tools. Five years ago I sought professional help and was put on anti-depressants.

    This last year has been about self-awareness, growing up, self-parenting, identifying feelings, getting out of survival mode. I call it saving my marriage. My wife couldn’t carry me anymore—the kids grew up, a few moved out, and she finally said she couldn’t do it. Instead of ending us, that became the catalyst for me to finally build my own emotional foundation.

    The Cascade: When Everything Fell Apart

    Then came last Sunday. A series of triggers that in the past would have completely wiped me out:

    Sunday-Monday: A guy I sponsor who’s 23 and less than a month sober, agreed to meet me at church but came 30 minutes late. Then agreed to meet me at a Monday noon meeting and didn’t show at all—made other plans and forgot to text me.

    Monday evening: When I tried to share my hurt with my wife, she responded with irritation: “You’re making it all about you.” So I shut down. When the next thing happened, I couldn’t go to her because I’d already been dismissed once.

    Tuesday: My sponsor and I had agreed to meet at 5:30 at a restaurant before a meeting. I organized my whole evening around it—told my wife and employee, left work early, went home and changed, got there at 5:27 and sat waiting. At 5:43 I texted him. He called and told me it was “not confirmed.” He said “don’t put this on me” and that from now on “we need to confirm.”

    Consumed with feelings of betrayal, I had intrusive thoughts about hurting him. The old war machine fired up—the familiar “fuck its” I hadn’t tasted in a long time. I drove recklessly. I isolated. The survival instinct was fully triggered.

    The Prayer: Finding the Way Through

    But I’ve learned something in 30 years: not to trust that old machine. To be patient. To sit in the ditch, be calm, wait expectantly. So I prayed:

    God, please direct my thinking, especially that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives. Show me throughout the day what my next step will be. Give me whatever I need to take care of whatever problems I may face. Help me especially, Lord, to be free from self-will. Show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love. Save me from being angry. Remove fear from me and direct me to what you would have me be. How can I be helpful to others? I offer myself to you—to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of life.

    And things turned around.

    The Breakthrough: What Was Revealed

    Eventually my wife asked me questions and I told her what happened with my sponsor. She responded with great understanding and empathy. My sponsee reached out and I forgave him and encouraged him. A customer issue resolved itself. My friend reached out, listened, and told me about an AI tool where I could process everything I was feeling.

    Through talking it out, I realized something profound: I was stuck between two impossible realities.

    1. My sponsor genuinely forgot/misunderstood and I’m overreacting (which means I’m wrong, making it about me, being too sensitive—my lifelong default)
    2. My sponsor flaked, knew it, and deflected blame onto me (which means someone I trusted for 4 years just gaslighted me)

    Both felt unbearable. The first one means I’m broken. The second means I was betrayed.

    But here’s what I know for sure: my sponsor and I agreed on Tuesday, 5:30, at a specific restaurant. I didn’t imagine that. I organized my whole evening around it. I told multiple people. I left work early. I changed clothes. I showed up at 5:27.

    That’s not ambiguous. That’s not “we need to confirm better.” That WAS confirmed.

    The Core Wound: “I’m the Problem”

    What I discovered is that I have a mechanism inside me that automatically takes responsibility for everything. When something bad happens, I immediately make it my fault, absorb all the blame, go silent, protect everyone else from my feelings, shut down, and handle it alone.

    This is what I learned as a kid. It’s survival. Because if it’s my fault, then:

    • I don’t have to confront anyone
    • I don’t risk more abandonment
    • I don’t have to feel the unbearable reality that someone hurt me
    • I stay “safe” (frozen, but safe)

    My entire survival system was built on “I’m the problem.” When I was a kid, the only way to make sense of a chaotic, painful world was to believe I caused it. Because if I caused it, maybe I could fix it. “I’m the problem” gave me control in a situation where I had none.

    For 56 years, every time something went wrong, that mechanism kicked in: “What did I do? How is this my fault? What’s wrong with me?”

    The Shift: Learning to Trust Myself

    The work I’m doing now, with therapy, with identifying emotions for the first time—is stripping away my ability to NOT feel. I can’t dissociate as easily anymore. I can’t suppress as automatically. The feelings are breaking through.

    When something is laid out clearly—when I can see that my sponsor actually did wrong me, that it wasn’t my fault—it makes me cry. I get frozen. Because when it’s clear, I can’t hide from it anymore. I can’t make excuses. I can’t make it my fault. I can’t minimize it.

    I have to feel the betrayal. And that’s what makes me freeze.

    But I’m learning: My perception of reality is valid—even when someone else contradicts it.

    The Rebuilding: Fellow Travelers

    I’ve known one particular fellow for 30 years. When I was 25-27, early in sobriety, I was the disrespectful kid in the back row at meetings—on my phone, cross-talking, laughing with buddies. He was the mature guy with time giving trustworthy shares, probably annoyed as hell at us.

    Several months ago, I walked into a Saturday morning meeting looking to spill my shame. At the end of the meeting this fellow approached me, asked for my number. When he entered it into his phone, my name appeared—he’d had it for years but didn’t recognize me. He later called to confess this, and I joked, “I’m honored to be getting attention from the guy I pissed off so many years ago!”

    This friend has 40 years sober. He invited me to an ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting he started. He referred me to a great therapist. He’s been walking with me through this whole transformation.

    Yesterday morning, I called this friend. I filled him in on everything—the cascade, the sponsor, the betrayal, the shutdown. I didn’t want to, but I asked him to be my sponsor.

    He didn’t say no, but he asks everyone he works with to not call him “sponsor.” He prefers “fellow travelers.” He rejects the hierarchy. But in essence, he accepted me.

    What I Know Now

    The sponsor was the catalyst, but he’s not the point. The earthquake cracked everything open and revealed:

    • How deep the “I’m the problem” mechanism goes
    • How badly I needed a different kind of sponsorship
    • How ready I was to ask for what I need
    • How much capacity I have to show up for others even while hurting
    • That a fellow has been there all along, waiting for me to be ready

    What happened with the sponsor isn’t relevant to how I can love a sponsee and walk with other fellows. I’m not minimizing what my sponsor did. I’m not making it my fault anymore. I’m just not letting it have power over what comes next.

    That’s healing. Real healing.

    Not “I’m over it” (I’m not, it still hurts). But “this doesn’t get to stop me.”

    The Requirements Going Forward

    I know now what I need in someone I walk with:

    • Someone who can hold space for my emotions without getting defensive
    • Someone who models accountability
    • Someone who’s doing their own deep work
    • Someone who can handle me being angry without making it about them

    That’s not asking too much. That’s asking for what I need to keep growing.

    Where I Am Now

    I’m 56 years old. Thirty years sober. Four kids who are young adults. A wife who finally feels safe with me. A new fellow traveler who sees me. A young man I’m sponsoring who needs me to show up. A therapist who’s helping me understand myself. A prepaid hypnosis session waiting for when I’m ready to go after the deep childhood wound.

    And the holidays are coming. January 2-5, all four of my kids will be home. Six of us under one roof. The thing I actually wanted.

    I came into this conversation wondering if I was an empath and if my mom was a narcissist. What I learned is that I needed to face whether I can trust my own perception of reality. Whether I can handle what’s coming. Whether I’m capable of real intimacy after a lifetime of protecting myself from it.

    This week showed me: Yes, I can.

    Not perfectly. Not without pain. But I can stand tall in spite of the offense. I can keep showing up. I can choose intimacy over protection. I can ask for what I need even when it scares me.

    God is good. And I’m going to be okay.


  • What kind of person is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themself?

    A person who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves typically struggles with deeply ingrained psychological or emotional barriers that prevent them from confronting difficult truths. This could be due to:

    1. Denial: They might avoid acknowledging painful realities or uncomfortable aspects of themselves as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional distress.
    2. Fear of Vulnerability: Honesty with oneself requires facing fears, mistakes, and imperfections, which can feel threatening to those who fear being vulnerable.
    3. Low Self-Awareness: Some people lack the ability or willingness to engage in self-reflection, which makes it difficult for them to see their own flaws, biases, or emotions clearly.
    4. Cognitive Dissonance: When their actions and beliefs are in conflict, they may unconsciously distort or rationalize their behavior to maintain a sense of internal consistency, avoiding uncomfortable truths.
    5. Narcissism or Ego Defense: Those with inflated egos or narcissistic tendencies may reject any self-criticism to protect their self-image.
    6. Trauma or Psychological Wounds: Deep emotional wounds from past experiences might make it too painful for someone to confront certain truths, leading them to develop mechanisms that prevent self-honesty.

    In essence, such individuals have developed coping mechanisms that protect them from emotional discomfort but hinder their ability to be honest with themselves.

  • From Guilt to Growth: Moving Beyond Self-Centeredness

    There is a realization that can hit a man hard, late at night when the house is quiet and the day’s conversations replay themselves without permission. I am selfish. Not in the casual way people toss the word around, but heavy, the way a verdict lands. I have felt this. I have watched my own self-centeredness ripple outward and touch the people I love most, and in that moment it does not feel like a flaw. It feels like evil. It feels like proof of something rotten underneath.

    But I have learned, slowly and at real cost, that the pain itself is the evidence against the verdict. A man who is actually evil does not lie awake grieving the wound he caused. The grief is not the disease. The grief is the immune system doing its work.

    For most of my life I could not tell the difference between guilt and shame, and that confusion cost me years. Guilt says, I did something wrong. Shame says, I am something wrong. Guilt can be carried to the cross and set down. Shame cannot, because shame was never about the act — it is about identity, and you cannot repent your way out of an identity you never chose in the first place. I built mine in a house where I learned early that love was conditional and safety was not guaranteed, and I have spent my adult life mistaking that old inherited verdict — I am wrong, I am defective — for present-tense truth about who I actually am. When I collapse a moment of selfishness into a referendum on my whole self, I am not taking responsibility. I am condemning myself, and condemnation has never once produced change in me. It has only ever produced hiding.

    What I have come to understand is that most of what looks like selfishness in me is fear wearing a disguise. Fear of not being valued. Fear of being dismissed, overwhelmed, found not enough. When my mind gets flooded — too much coming at me, too many demands, too much noise — something in me reverts to an old survival architecture that was built decades before I had any say in the matter. That architecture is self-focused by design. It narrows the lens. It protects first and connects later, if at all. And left unexamined, it will quietly erode the very relationships I am trying to protect myself within.

    Naming this is not an excuse. It is clarity, and clarity has become the hinge point of my recovery. There is a version of self-awareness that stays soft and observational — I interrupted because I needed to be heard, rather than I am a terrible husband — and learning to speak to myself that way, describing the behavior instead of sentencing the man, has done more for my growth than any amount of self-flagellation ever managed. I cannot change what I refuse to see. But I have also learned, the hard way, that I cannot change what I crush under shame either. The wounded child in me does not respond to condemnation. He only knows how to hide from it.

    So growth, for me, has stopped looking like a personality overhaul and started looking like small, unglamorous repetitions. A pause before I speak. One more question than instinct wants to ask. Reflecting back what Madeline just said before I offer my opinion on it. A quick apology the moment I notice I have slipped, rather than the slow defended one that comes hours later once pride has had its say. None of these are dramatic. But small things, practiced daily, are what actually rebuild trust — not promises, not grand resolutions, but patterns sustained over time.

    And where I have caused real damage, I have learned that repair is still available to me. A genuine apology, not a strategic one. A willingness to listen without defending myself in the middle of someone else’s pain. Consistent behavior, held over months and years, not a single dramatic gesture meant to close the account quickly. Trust does not rebuild on eloquence. It rebuilds on evidence.

    Every man carries selfish impulses. That is not a special indictment of me; it is simply what it means to be human before grace does its slow work. The difference between a man who stays stuck and a man who is actually growing was never perfection. It was willingness. If I feel the pain of my own patterns, if I want to change, if the impact I have on the people I love actually matters to me — then I am not beyond hope. I am in the middle of something.

    I will slip. I already know this about myself. I will default to the old wiring and catch myself mid-sentence having made it about me again. But I have started to understand that this is not failure — it is awareness arriving faster than it used to. Growth was never going to mean the elimination of selfishness overnight. It means its grip loosening, little by little, while my capacity for empathy and humility and presence slowly grows to take its place. One day at a time. One conversation at a time.

    And the fact that I am still asking these questions, still willing to look at this in myself instead of looking away — that is not evidence of evil.

    That is a man who wants to become better.

  • Embracing True Identity

    “He has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts.” (2 Corinthians 1:22 NLT)

    Your faith will grow stronger as you focus on your identity in Christ (Galatians 2).

    What this means is that you abandon any image of yourself that is not from God. You stop accepting what others have said about you, how others have labeled you, and how others have defined you.

    You start believing what God says about you, that he is pleased with how he created you, and that God defines you.

    You’re not defined by your feelings. You’re not defined by the opinions of others or by your circumstances. You’re not defined by your successes or failures. You’re not defined by the car you drive, the money you make, or the house you say you own when the bank really does.

    You are defined by God and God alone. He identifies you as his own (2 Corinthians 1:22).

    The thing is, if you don’t know who you are, then you’re vulnerable to other people telling you who you are. But the concrete, solid, gospel truth is that you are who God says you are, and no one else has a vote in the matter.

    This “identity issue” is an important part of living the abundant life. Jesus was able to face the incredible demands of his mission because he knew exactly who he was. He knew that he mattered to God, and that gave him confidence to move purposefully in faith.

    You are now identified with Christ and have the power of the Holy Spirit within you. You are God’s precious child, and he created you in a way that pleases him.

    “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. God has now revealed to us his mysterious will regarding Christ—which is to fulfill his own good plan. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan. God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise and glory to God. And now you Gentiles have also heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him.” Ephesians 1:4-14 NLT


    WHO AM I

    2 Corinthians 5:17 — Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

    1 Peter 2:9 — But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

    Galatians 2:20 — I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

    John 15:15 — No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

    2 Corinthians 1:22 — set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

    John 1:12 — But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

    Romans 8:17 — And if children, then heirs – heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

    Colossians 3:3 — For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

    Galatians 3:26 — For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.

    Romans 8:1 — There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

    Philippians 3:20 — But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

    1 Corinthians 12:27 — Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

    1 Corinthians 6:19-20 — Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

    Ephesians 2:10 — For we are God’s masterpiece, created to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.

    Ephesians 4:24 — And to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

    John 1:12 — Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

    Ephesians 1:5 — he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.

    Romans 15:7 — Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

    Colossians 2:9-10 — For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.

    1 Corinthians 6:17 — But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

    2 Corinthians 5:20We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.

    Romans 6:6 — For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.

    Genesis 1:27 — So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

    Jeremiah 1:5 — “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

    1 Peter 1:1-2 — Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, To God’s elect, exiles scattered throughout the provinces of Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia and Bithynia, who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to be obedient to Jesus Christ and sprinkled with his blood: Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

    Galatians 3:27-28 — for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

    1 John 3:1-2 — See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 

    Colossians 3:1-3 — Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

    Matthew 11:30 — “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (How valuable am I that Jesus wants my burdens – supported)

    John 10:10 — The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

    Luke 23:34 — Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (We are far more important than our behavior -forgiven)

    Genesis 12:1 — I will bless you… and you will be a blessing.

    John 3:16 — For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.


    Forever grateful for Terry Ladow whose love, teaching, and wisdom taught me truth

    Several Bible verses can be seen to support the idea that each person is a unique creation of God, made in His image, with inherent value and purpose:

    1. **Genesis 1:26-27**“Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” This passage directly speaks to humanity being made in God’s image, emphasizing the unique dignity and purpose conferred upon humans.

    2. **Psalm 139:14** “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This verse celebrates the intricate and marvelous creation of each individual, suggesting a uniqueness and value to each person’s existence.

    3. **Ephesians 2:10** “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” This implies that each person is not only created by God but for a specific purpose or set of purposes.

    4. **Jeremiah 1:5**“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” While this was specifically said to Jeremiah, it’s often interpreted as a general statement about God’s knowledge and plan for each individual before they are born, highlighting their unique role and purpose.

    5. **Isaiah 43:4**“Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you.” This verse conveys a sense of individual worth and value to God, which can be seen as part of being made in His image.

    6. **1 Peter 2:9**“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” This scripture speaks to the special and unique role believers have in God’s plan, suggesting a purpose and calling for each individual.

    These verses collectively convey the notion that humans are uniquely created by God, each with a singular purpose, reflecting His image, which aligns with the sentiment of being “an incredibly magnificent, unbelievably rare, unrepeatable miracle.”


  • A Message From God

    Dear Friend,

    Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep, full relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But GOD says, “No. Not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with being loved by ME alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to ME, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with ME alone. I love you my child. Until you discover that only in ME is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with ME, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.”

    “I want you to stop wishing and stop planning. Allow ME to bring that person to you. You just keep watching ME, expecting the greatest things. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That’s all!”

    “Don’t be anxious, don’t worry, don’t look around at the things others have or what I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking up to ME or you will miss what I want to show you. When you are ready, I will surprise you with a love more wonderful than you would ever have dreamed. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is ready—I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time—until you are both satisfied exclusively with ME and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with ME. This is perfect love.”

    “And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see—in the flesh—a picture of your relationship with ME, and enjoy maturely and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with MYSELF.”

    “Please know that I love you utterly. Believe It And Be Satisfied.”

    “It is hard to stumble… on your knees.”

    GOD


    Viruses That Destroy Spiritual Life, Part 4 – Sexual Impurity, Kenton Beshore

  • Upon Awakening

    Psalm 1

    Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

    The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.


    Psalm 23

    The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

    You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.


    Psalm 46

    God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

    There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

    Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.

    “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.


    Psalm 103

    Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

    The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.

    For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

    As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.

    Bless the Lord, O you his angels, you mighty ones who do his word, obeying the voice of his word! Bless the Lord, all his hosts, his ministers, who do his will! Bless the Lord, all his works, in all places of his dominion. Bless the Lord, O my soul!


    Psalm 119:105

    Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.


    Psalm 150:1

    Praise the Lord!


    The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else. “Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord”;…  The Highest Good—The Pilgrim’s Song Book, 537 L

  • Putting On Phronéō

    Seven readings, rooted in identity given by God.

    Today I am putting off the old pattern and putting on this mind — not because the old groove is gone, but because this is how it gets replaced (Ephesians 4:22-24). Repetition built the old attitude. Repetition, given to God, will build the new one.

    Reading #1 — I Am His

    I am beloved. God set his love on me before I did anything to earn it.

    I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My body and my life are being shaped by His hand.

    I am accepted in the Beloved. Grace has made me acceptable.

    I am being renewed day by day, transformed from the inside out.

    I am a receiver of grace. What I have is gift.

    I am forgiven, fully and at cost. I forgive others because I was forgiven first.

    I am fully known and fully loved. Nothing in me disqualifies me from that love.

    I am adopted as His child, not a servant working for approval (Galatians 4:7).

    I am secure. My identity does not rise and fall with my performance today.

    I am a gift, and I am worthy of love, because God said so.

    Reading #2 — What I Believe

    I believe my thoughts matter, and I offer them to God to renew.

    I believe divine love shines from within me because His Spirit dwells there.

    I believe my worth is fixed and already given.

    I believe I am strengthened by Him for what I face today.

    I believe in prayer, as relationship with One who hears me, and I believe prayer changes things — my heart first, and sometimes circumstances too.

    I believe when I ask, seek, and knock, I am heard (Matthew 7:7).

    I believe every good gift comes from the Father of lights.

    I believe faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

    I believe I walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7), even when I can’t yet see how things resolve.

    I believe hope does not put me to shame, because His love has already been poured into my heart (Romans 5:5).

    I believe I am being made into something beautiful.

    I believe in compassion, and I extend it because it was extended to me.

    I believe my life bears witness to grace.

    I believe others’ welfare matters as much as my own.

    I believe I am meant to help those who need me, out of what I’ve received.

    I believe I participate in what God is doing in the world.

    I believe there is one source, and I listen to him.

    I believe in what He has done — always.

    Reading #3 — My True Purpose

    I follow the calling I’ve been given, and I act on it.

    I am true to myself and to others.

    I seek good outcomes for everyone in my relationships and my work.

    My worth is settled, and my purpose flows from that settledness.

    I let others help me. I was never meant to be self-sufficient.

    I love people of every shape, size, color, and creed.

    I am one with others in Christ.

    I make decisions carefully, and I trust that even my mistakes are held by grace.

    I am being sanctified, a slow work, and that is enough for today.

    I am forgiven, and I am being made whole.

    My future is held by grace.

    I love my life and the people in it, imperfections included.

    I am on the road home.

    Reading #4 — Provision

    I receive what God provides — financial, relational, physical, spiritual.

    I trust the wisdom of God, Who orders all things for my good.

    I hold money and provision loosely, as stewardship.

    It is done. Christ has already accomplished what matters most.

    Reading #5 — Decisions and Surrender

    I bring my decisions to God rather than trusting my own record alone.

    My decision-making is sound when it’s surrendered.

    When I get it wrong, God meets me there and redirects me.

    I hold my choices with humility.

    I trust Him with what I cannot yet see the outcome of. That is what faith is for.

    Reading #6 — I Love Our Clients

    I love our clients. Loving well is the work.

    They help us grow. I receive their praise with gratitude and their correction as a gift.

    They want to do business with us, and I want to be trustworthy of that.

    Today I will do my best to serve them well.

    I am grateful when the work is enjoyable, and faithful to it when it isn’t.

    I receive their feedback, even the hard kind.

    We charge a fair price, and I trust that fairness sustains the business.

    I love our clients as people.

    Reading #7 — Grateful

    I am grateful. Every good gift comes from the Father of lights.

    God is good, and I trust His goodness even in what I don’t understand.

    I try to see the good in people.

    Provision comes to me as gift.

    I receive grace, undeserved, and that is better than being owed.

    I hold what’s given to me open-handed.

    I am grateful — deeply loved — and I receive that, today, again.



    THE BATTLE WITH EGO



    Seeing is never believing: we interpret what we see in the light of what we believe. Faith is confidence in God before you see God emerging; therefore the nature of faith is that it must be tried. He Shall Glorify Me, 494 R