Attitude is a choice. Gratitude and humility are where love is born.

Attitude is a choice

My attitude has been under my control the whole time. Love abides (1 Cor 13:13), like ground, gravity and air. It’s always there. My part is choosing to live there. That’s Step 3: “made a decision.”

Paul uses my word for it. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus” (Phil 2:5). The verb is phroneite, from phronéō: have this attitude. The attitude he means comes next. Christ “emptied himself” and “humbled himself” (Phil 2:7–8).

So humility isn’t a feeling I wait for or something I earn. It’s a mindset I put on, a direction I turn to face.

Faith → Identity → Attitude → Action. Humility lives at the attitude step. I won’t reach it perfectly, but I can keep choosing it.

Humility is freedom

Bill Wilson describes perfect humility as “complete freedom from myself”. It’s freedom from the claims my defects lay on me, and a full willingness, everywhere, to find and do God’s will.

The defects make claims, like debts that keep demanding payment. Wanting to be recognized for my skills, intelligence and bravery is a claim. So is wanting the approval I think I deserve, or using anger to feel powerful. Each one says, “You owe me.”

Humility is not needing to collect anymore. That’s why it feels like relief, not loss. With the claims of self quiet, there’s room to want God’s will. That’s the eleventh step and the Job posture: I stop insisting on being right and ask what He wants.

I’ll never fully reach perfect humility, and I don’t need to be dismayed by that. It’s a direction, not a test.

Three marks of humility

Bill Dogterom names three:

1. Accurate self-concept. I see myself truly, neither inflated nor deflated. “Think with sober judgment” (Rom 12:3). Saturday’s confession was this. Selfish, afraid, blind: I named it without dressing it up.
2. Positive self-regard. I’m fully known and loved anyway (1 Cor 13:12). Without this, accurate self-knowledge turns into shame. This is also what ends the hunger for approval. When God’s regard is settled, men’s approval stops being a need.
3. Un-self-consciousness. It’s Bill W.’s freedom from myself. I’m no longer watching, measuring and protecting myself, so I’m free to look outward. “Look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil 2:4).

The order matters. I can’t reach the third by trying to forget myself. It comes when the first two are settled. When I see myself truly and know I’m loved, there’s nothing left to manage.

Pride and self-hatred feel similar from the inside because both are self-consciousness. Humility is the way out of both.

Where love is born

Gratitude and humility are where love is born. Each answers a different enemy of love.

• Gratitude answers entitlement. The claims say, “You owe me.” Gratitude says, “Look what I’ve been given.” It’s the opposite of self-pity, and you can’t hold both at once.
• Humility answers self-focus. It frees my attention from managing myself so it can turn toward God and other people.

Together they make room. Gratitude is how I receive love, and humility is how I let it flow outward. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). First I receive it, and then I can give it.

I saw this on 11/1. What seemed like fear and self-pity led to awe, reverence and humility when I confessed. Love was always there and never left. Gratitude and humility simply clear the way for it.

Love is what changes people

My notes from Bill Dogterom (@20:51):

The only thing that will lead you to repentance, if you become aware, in community, that what you are doing is destructive to yourself and others, the only thing that will lead you to life change… is Love. It’s the kindness of God that has enabled our repentance – not the judgement of God, not the fear of hell. You really care about the self destructive behaviour of your brother and sister. So John says: Orient yourself towards them in love and kindness because that is the only thing that will enable the life change that I (God) am convicting them towards. If they know that you love them, then you can speak truth.

“God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance” (Rom 2:4). Love isn’t the soft option. It’s the only thing that actually changes a heart. Judgment, fear and pressure can force compliance, but they can’t lead anyone to repentance. That’s why anger and intimidation never worked for me, however powerful they felt.

It’s how I was changed, too. The love and faith of others kept tugging at me, and kindness opened the door to confession.

Love first, then truth. “Speaking the truth in love” (Eph 4:15). When people know I’m for them, the truth can land. This is how I want to walk with my sponsees, my family and everyone else.

Praying in Jesus’ name: learning to listen

Also from Bill Dogterom (@11:18), teaching on John 15:7: “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish.”

• “In Jesus’ name” isn’t a sign-off. It means praying the prayer Jesus would pray. I want to know Him well enough to know what He’d ask the Father for in a given situation, and to say amen to His prayer. If He trusts me enough, I want to pray that prayer myself.
• Abiding shapes the asking. When I abide, I start wanting what He wants.
• Most of prayer isn’t asking. It’s knowing, relationship and listening.
• Maturity means talking less and listening more, so that I learn His heart and His vocabulary.

It’s the eleventh step: prayer only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. Humility frees me from my claims. Listening fills that space with His heart.

Choosing it each day

1. Morning: I write my gratitude list and pray, “Have this mind in me” (Phil 2:5).
2. When I want recognition: I name the claim (“they owe me”) and let it go. God’s regard is already settled.
3. When I feel self-pity: I find one thing to be grateful for, right now.
4. When anger rises: I ask whether I’m trying to be powerful or trying to love.
5. With people: I look to their interests, not just mine (Phil 2:4).
6. Evening: In my tenth step I ask: Where did I choose humility today? Where did I make claims? Where did love get through?

It’s progress, not perfection. A direction, a posture, an attitude, chosen again tomorrow.