Changing Constitution

Author: Traveler

  • From Shame to Freedom: The Path of Healing

    The Question That Started Everything

    In exploring the story of Judas and his betrayal of Jesus, a profound question emerged: If God is love, why didn’t God’s love save Judas? What in him resulted in death?

    The answer reveals something crucial about the human condition: The tragedy of Judas wasn’t that God couldn’t or wouldn’t forgive him—it’s that Judas couldn’t forgive himself or believe he could be forgiven. His despair closed him off from the forgiveness that was available.

    This stands in stark contrast to Peter, who also betrayed Jesus by denying him three times. The key difference wasn’t the severity of their betrayals, but their responses:

    • Peter wept bitterly but eventually returned to the community and received Jesus’s forgiveness
    • Judas felt remorse but fell into despair and took his own life

    The Spiritual Death We All Know

    There is a death that happens inside—a spiritual death that comes with shame and secrets. Shame has a way of convincing us we’re beyond reach, that we must hide, that we’re fundamentally different from others who might receive love or grace. It creates a kind of prison.

    That terrible space between knowing you’ve done wrong and believing you can’t be forgiven or restored—this is where many of us live. The despair that says “this is who I am now” rather than “this is what I’ve done.”

    The Core Wound

    For many people in recovery, underneath all the behaviors and acting out is a core wound—often rooted in childhood trauma, abuse, or exploitation. When someone is wounded at a young age, especially through sexual abuse, shame gets attached to everything. That shame becomes the foundation upon which an entire life is built.

    For 30, 40 years, a person builds their entire internal architecture on that foundation of shame. Every decision, every relationship, every coping mechanism, every way they’ve learned to survive—it’s all constructed around a broken piece of information: “It was my fault. I am fundamentally flawed. I am unlovable.”

    And then God says: “That foundation is a lie. You are loved. You are mine.”

    That’s not a software update. That’s demolition and reconstruction. This is what causes seismic shifts.

    The Human Pattern Since the Beginning

    There is a cycle that has repeated since Genesis 3:

    Shame → Fear → Power/Overcompensation → Protection → Survival

    Adam and Eve felt shame, they hid in fear, they tried to cover themselves (protection/control), they blamed each other (power dynamics). The first human response to feeling exposed and vulnerable was shame, then fear, then self-protection.

    Shame isn’t just a thought we can correct with better information. It’s woven into:

    • How we perceive ourselves
    • How we interpret others’ responses to us
    • What risks we’re willing to take
    • What love we can receive
    • Our sexuality, our worthiness, our very sense of existing in the world

    The Path to Freedom

    The way out of this cycle is not a simple intellectual shift. It requires:

    Recognizing our response → Learning to trust God with our fear → Loving ourselves as God made us

    This means:

    • Understanding where shame started (and recognizing what was not our fault)
    • Seeing how fear took root
    • Recognizing how we’ve been trying to manage that fear through control, acting out, or hiding
    • Learning that there’s another way: bringing the fear to God, receiving love, learning to trust

    Loving ourselves as God made us isn’t narcissism or self-indulgence. It’s agreement with God about our worth. It’s receiving His assessment instead of shame’s assessment.

    This perspective brings incredible freedom.

    The Role of Community and Professional Help

    Healing from core wounds typically requires both spiritual and professional support:

    What fellowship and spiritual community can provide:

    • Walking through recovery steps with faithfulness
    • Sharing our own experience with shame and healing
    • Pointing toward God’s grace and forgiveness
    • Being a consistent, safe presence
    • Helping identify patterns in behavior

    What professional trauma therapy can provide:

    • Processing the abuse itself, not just responses to it
    • Untangling personal choices from what was done to us
    • Developing new neural pathways around shame
    • Addressing PTSD symptoms
    • Learning to differentiate between shame that belongs to an abuser and appropriate conviction about our own choices

    We need both. Spiritual healing AND psychological healing. Many find that their spiritual work goes deeper and becomes more fruitful when they’re also addressing underlying trauma professionally.

    God’s Response to Shame

    When Adam and Eve hid in shame, God’s response is instructive:

    • He came looking for them
    • He asked questions
    • He covered them Himself
    • He didn’t abandon them to their shame

    God doesn’t leave us in our survival mode. We don’t have to overcompensate or protect or perform. We can bring our fear to God instead of managing it through control or acting out or hiding.

    The Sacred Work of Witnessing

    When someone shares their inventory, their shame, their core wounds with us—whether in a 5th step or simply in vulnerable friendship—we are standing on holy ground. We cannot heal their core wound for them. We cannot make their seismic shift happen.

    But we can:

    • Bear witness to their truth
    • Remind them who God says they are when shame is screaming otherwise
    • Share our own journey so they know they’re not alone
    • Point them toward additional help
    • Stay present through the earthquake

    This is the work of loving one another as Christ loved us—not fixing, not solving, but accompanying one another on the path from death to life.

    Conclusion

    The difference between Judas and Peter, between despair and restoration, between spiritual death and abundant life—it comes down to this: Can we receive the forgiveness that is already offered? Can we trust God with our fear? Can we love ourselves as God has made us?

    This is a human story since the beginning of time. And it’s the story God is still writing in each of us today.

  • Changing Constitution

    I didn’t start this blog because I had something figured out. I started it because I was sober, successful, and quietly suffering from depression — and the truth kept showing up like fog, then burning off before I could hold onto it.

    The turn began a year ago, when my wife set a boundary after 26 years that finally got through to me – change, learn empathy and compassion, and get in touch with your feelings, or I’m gone. I started journaling. I started ACA. I started writing a gratitude list every morning, small and unglamorous, day after day. And somewhere in that quiet repetition, something loosened. I began writing and talking about feelings in a language I didn’t know I had. I learned what honesty actually felt like — not the absence of lying, but the presence of truth I used to run from. I saw, for maybe the first time, how much my ego had been twisting my perception all along, dressing fear up as competence and calling it strength. And as I could finally articulate what had been suppressed for so long, this blog is where I started putting it down.

    None of it is new, exactly. That’s the strange part. The insights were always mine. I just spent most of my life under a code that ACA names plainly: don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel. Survival rules, built for a child who needed them, still running a grown man who didn’t. Every time truth surfaced, some part of me would say yeah, but, and the fog would roll back in. I’d forget. Not because it wasn’t true — because I wasn’t built yet to keep it.

    There’s a line in the Big Book about people who don’t make it: constitutionally incapable of being honest. Not dishonest by choice — built that way. I read past it for years, assuming it meant someone else. It took me a long time to see it was me.

    Here’s what I understand now that I didn’t then: everyone’s access to the truth is mediated by fear. Some people’s fear was just severe enough to functionally lock the door. So it’s true — constitutionally incapable of being honest is a real condition. What it isn’t is a permanent one. The door was locked by fear, and fear can be worked with, walked through, outgrown. Being built that way isn’t a life sentence. It’s just where you started.

    So this blog became the place I try to cement it. Manna that used to spoil overnight — I wanted a way to keep it past morning. Not to prove anything. Just so the fog doesn’t win, and so somewhere there’s a witness to what’s actually true, even on the days I forget it myself.

    My constitution is still changing. I don’t write from the far side of it, looking back. I write from inside it, while it’s still happening — trading fear for love, control for intimacy, a life performed for a life that’s actually mine.

    If you’re on your own long way home, I hope something here is useful. Not as an answer. Just company on the road.

    To those who have had no agony Jesus says, “I have nothing for you; stand on your own feet, square your own shoulders. I have come for the man who knows he has a bigger handful than he can cope with, who knows there are forces he cannot touch; I will do everything for him if he will let Me. Only let a man grant he needs it, and I will do it for him.” The Shadow of an Agony, 1166 R

    The message I heard in the late 90’s that changed my life

    Helpful Insight

    Lessons

    Attitude and How I Get There

    Shame

    Understanding

    Prayers

    Surrender

    The Gift of Marriage

    The Gang Life

    Why any of this matters

    The Step That Keeps Us growing, p.264

    Sometimes, when friends tell us how well we are doing, we know better inside. We know we aren’t doing well enough. We still can’t handle life, as life is. There must be a serious flaw somewhere in our spiritual practice and development.

    What, then, is it?

    The chances are better than even that we shall locate our trouble in our misunderstanding or neglect of A.A.’s Step Eleven – prayer, meditation, and the guidance of God.

    The other Steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning.  But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually. – Grapevine, June 1958

  • Fake It Till You Make It

    The Daily Reprieve

    Today I am willing to let joy have its way and practice Love: Faith-Hope-Trust, an Attitude of Gratitude and Humility

    • The moment I wake up I start praying to harness my thoughts and push back self ambition and vain conceit [the drift towards insanity], and continue this throughout the day:
    Prayers from the 12 steps

    “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:4-7 ESV

    God, help me to be kind and loving in every situation today

    ”The best and fastest way to find God is to hold still… Every soul before it’s born is kissed by God and spends the rest of life looking for the lover.” — Bill Dogterom

    I am responsible for my attitude, my thoughts, my posture, my disposition (phroneó).

    “Pretending to be a nice person is a lot like being a nice person” — Bill Dogterom

    I strive to practice love and kindness – courtesy, even when I don’t feel like it, regardless of who deserves it, with others best interests in mind and try to remember – it’s not about me.

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” —Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

    When my emotions start to flare up, for any reason, I will practice getting grounded, honest, own my part, fight ego with truth about who I am, and forgive myself and others.

    His Nature and Our Motives

    “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬-‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

    How To Get Closer To God

    “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,” — Philippians‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬-‭5‬

    Renewing Your Mind

    “Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought [prayer] of others and how we may help meet their needs.” — Big Book, Top of page 20

    Practice Attitude and Mindset First Thing

    “There are two types of people in recovery: the “yeah, buts” and the “you bets!”” —Tony Fisher

    ”Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” —Jim Foote

    “Everyone’s access to the truth is mediated by fear. Some people’s fear was just severe enough to functionally lock the door. Being constitutionally incapable of honesty is true. It just isn’t permanent.” – GG

    The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else. “Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord”;…  The Highest Good—The Pilgrim’s Song Book, 537 L

    Seeing is never believing: we interpret what we see in the light of what we believe. Faith is confidence in God before you see God emerging; therefore the nature of faith is that it must be tried. He Shall Glorify Me, 494 R

    Taking Control of Your Thoughts

    “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah‬ ‭55‬:‭8‬-‭9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

    “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah‬ ‭26‬:‭3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

    The Right Attitude In The Battle

    THIS IS HOW I FIGHT MY BATTLES

  • The Core Wound: Why the Heaviness Isn’t Who You Are

    There’s a difference between having insight and being free. I know because I’ve lived on the insight side of that line for years at a time. I could tell you exactly why I react the way I do — attachment wounds, nervous system activation, shame, the whole vocabulary. I could diagram it on a napkin. And I would still wake up heavy.

    For a long time I thought that meant I was doing recovery wrong, or that my faith wasn’t real, or that I just hadn’t found the right key yet. It took me a while to understand that the heaviness isn’t an attitude problem or a spiritual failure. It’s older than either one.

    When trauma happens early enough — before you have words for it — your nervous system doesn’t wait for language. It draws conclusions on its own. I am not safe. I am not acceptable. I do not belong. Nobody sits a five-year-old down and teaches him those sentences. He just absorbs them from whatever the room was like, and they become the lens everything else gets read through. Decades later, my wife goes quiet and some part of me still reads it as something is wrong with me. One of my kids struggles and the old reflex says I failed, I’m defective. I wake up flat and the verdict is you lack faith, you lack discipline. It feels rational in the moment. It feels honest. But it isn’t truth — it’s pattern recognition running on data that’s forty years old.

    Mornings are where I feel it most. Before logic has caught up, before the day’s distractions have started, before I’ve put on whatever armor I wear that day — the body remembers first. A guy I’ve connected with recently, another traveler further down this same road, has a phrase for it that stopped me the first time I heard it: he calls it the vultures on the headboard. That’s exactly right. They’re not inside me making a case. They’re perched there when I open my eyes, waiting, and they declare rather than argue: connection is hollow, joy isn’t durable, don’t relax or you’ll get crushed again. I used to try to debate them, to reason my way out from under it. That never worked, because the nervous system isn’t listening for an argument. It’s listening for safety, and it only believes safety when it’s repeated enough times to trust it.

    I’ve spent time with the saboteurs framework too, and it turns out the vultures on my headboard have names. There’s the Judge, whose whole verdict is that I’m defective. There’s the Stickler and the Hyper-Achiever, circling to tell me the day only counts if it’s flawless or productive. There’s the Victim, the Hyper-Vigilant, the Controller — a whole flock, each with its own angle on the same lie. Naming them hasn’t made them fly off. But it’s made them smaller. A vulture with a name is still a vulture, but it’s not a verdict.

    So the work isn’t making the heaviness go away, or shooing the birds off the headboard for good. The work is not obeying them. These days when they show up I’ve learned to say, more or less, this again, okay — and then just move. Make the coffee. Get in the shower. Stay in the room. No character assessment, no spiritual audit, no grand conclusion about who I am. Just staying present to the next ordinary thing, with the vultures still sitting there watching, no longer running the show.

    There’s a trap underneath all of this that I fell into for years, and it wears religious clothes. If you believe something is wrong with you, you’ll try to fix it — through discipline, through spiritual performance, through serving everyone around you, through a kind of self-erasure that gets called humility. I’ve prayed plenty of times to have my defects removed, to be relieved of selfishness and fear and anger and self-will. Good prayers. But underneath some of them was a quieter belief I wasn’t naming: if I can just become better, maybe then I’ll be acceptable. That’s not transformation. That’s self-rejection wearing a collar. Real growth was never about erasing myself. It was about not needing a verdict on myself in order to keep existing.

    Here’s the part I had to sit with longest. If you were wounded and then became a parent, some of that wound moved forward through you. I know this one from the inside. It’s painful, it’s real, and it deserves repair — but it doesn’t mean I’m fundamentally broken. It means I was hurt and hadn’t yet been given the tools to do it differently. There’s a real difference between responsibility and self-condemnation, and I spent a long time confusing them. Repair has turned out to be more powerful than perfection ever was. Staying available to my kids now matters more than any rewrite of the past.

    The actual shift, when it finally started happening, was almost disappointingly quiet. It wasn’t “I never wake up heavy anymore” or “I finally believe I’m lovable” or some permanent, settled peace. It was smaller than that. The heaviness still comes, but it doesn’t get the final word on what’s real anymore. I stay engaged even when I’m unsure. I don’t spiral the way I used to. And when joy shows up, I don’t automatically brace for the bill. That’s not a dramatic testimony. That’s just a nervous system slowly learning something new, and it’s slow on purpose.

    So the discipline I actually need isn’t the perfect diet or the ideal routine or the flawless prayer life. It’s simpler and harder than that: stop turning hard moments into character assessments. A hard morning doesn’t mean I’m weak. Tension with someone I love doesn’t mean I’m unacceptable. Low energy doesn’t mean I’m lazy. Struggle doesn’t mean I’m defective. Those equations got written when I was small and had no protection. I don’t need to solve them. I need to stop believing they’re accurate.

    Which is where faith actually lives for me now — not as certainty, not as emotional steadiness, not as feeling loved every hour of the day. After what I’ve walked through, faith sounds more like this: I don’t need to conclude anything about myself today. Not that I’m broken. Not that I’m healed. Not acceptable, not defective. Just — I’m here, this is hard, I can stay. That’s not resignation. That’s regulation.

    I’m not at the beginning of this anymore, and I’m not failing at it, and I’m not secretly broken underneath it. I’m in the middle — which is a strange place to live, because the heaviness still shows up there, and so does the joy, and my relationships are still imperfect, and the growth is still uneven. What’s different now is that I don’t automatically obey the heaviness when it arrives. That’s not nothing. That’s actually the whole thing.

    I don’t need a final explanation for myself. I don’t need a permanent verdict. I don’t need every hard morning erased to qualify as healed. Healing was never the absence of weight. It’s the absence of internal violence. And that part — slowly, unevenly, but really — is already happening.

  • Love Is an Attitude — And I am Learning the Hard Way

    I used to think love was something I should naturally feel if I was doing life right. If I was spiritually grounded, emotionally healthy, and mature enough, then patience and warmth would just flow. If they didn’t, then something in me must be off.

    That belief quietly drove a lot of my life.

    I’ve spent decades building things. Engines. Motorcycles. Businesses. Sound systems. Caring for a home. A family. You learn quickly in mechanical work that if something isn’t running right, there’s a fault. There’s always a reason. A tolerance stack-up. A lean condition. A warped surface. You diagnose, correct, re-tune. Problems are solvable.

    I treated my own heart the same way.

    If I felt irritable, tired, detached, or heavy, I assumed there was a defect in me that needed correction. Especially as a husband and father. Especially as a Christian. I would wake up some mornings already carrying weight before anyone had said a word, and instead of just acknowledging it, I would interpret it as failure. “A loving man wouldn’t feel this way.” That thought alone can shape an entire day.

    Being treated for major depressive disorder has forced me to confront something uncomfortable. There are days when the emotional weather doesn’t cooperate. The feeling of lightness doesn’t show up on command. If love were a feeling, then on those days I would be incapable of loving my wife or my kids well. But that’s not what Scripture teaches, and it’s not what real life shows.

    Love is not the feeling. Love is the stance.

    When Paul describes love in 1 Corinthians 13, he doesn’t say love feels energized or inspired. He says love is patient and kind. It does not envy. It does not keep a record of wrongs. Those are choices about posture. They are decisions about what you will and will not do when your emotions are unstable.

    That truth exposed something in me. Much of what I called love was actually performance tied to identity. I’ve built my life on competence. When you run your own shop, there’s no room for guessing. Engines don’t care about intention. They respond to precision. That mindset bleeds into everything. You measure results. You fix problems. You take pride in mastery.

    The danger is that you start measuring yourself the same way.

    If the business slows down, it’s not just market conditions — it feels like a verdict. If a conversation with your wife gets tense, it feels like you failed at leadership. If your kids struggle, you quietly question your fathering. When your internal state feels heavy, you assume you should be stronger by now.

    Underneath that is fear. Not loud fear. Quiet fear. The kind that says, “If I’m not strong, useful, steady, productive, what am I?”

    That fear shows up in relationships. I can be hyper vigilant. I can try to solve instead of listen. I can push for efficiency when what’s needed is presence. I can interpret normal tension as threat. None of that is love. That’s control trying to secure safety.

    Real love requires something that doesn’t come naturally to high-performing, mechanically minded men: it requires emotional steadiness more than technical skill. It requires being secure enough to stay engaged when you can’t fix the situation.

    There have been moments in my marriage where I wanted to retreat into logic because feelings felt messy. It’s far easier to rebuild a transmission than to sit in a conversation where your wife is hurt and you don’t have a clean solution. In those moments, love is not found in solving. It’s found in staying. It’s found in listening without defending your record. It’s found in absorbing the discomfort without turning it into a counterattack or shutting down.

    As a father, the same principle applies. When my kids were younger, it was easy to measure success in outcomes — grades, behavior, direction. Now they’re adults or close to it. They are making their own decisions. Love no longer looks like control or correction. It looks like availability without manipulation. It looks like speaking truth without trying to engineer their choices. It looks like resisting the urge to tie their performance to my identity.

    That shift has been humbling.

    For years I misunderstood humility. I thought it meant minimizing myself. I thought being loving meant erasing my needs and just grinding forward. But that’s not humility. That’s self-neglect. And self-neglect eventually turns into quiet resentment.

    Biblical love is not self-erasure. Jesus did not disappear to love people. He was grounded in who He was. Because of that, He could serve without fear. He could confront without insecurity. He could withdraw when necessary without guilt. That kind of love flows from identity, not from exhaustion.

    I had to face another hard truth: when I am internally consumed with whether I am enough — enough provider, enough leader, enough husband — I am not actually focused on the person in front of me. I am focused on managing my own adequacy. Even my good behavior can be subtly transactional. I want reassurance. I want stability. I want confirmation that I’m not slipping.

    That is not love. That is fear trying to negotiate safety.

    Love is quieter and harder than that. It shows up on the mornings when the business is slow and uncertainty is loud. It shows up when retirement questions creep in and you realize brute force won’t solve long-term sustainability. It shows up when you feel behind culturally, financially, or physically, and instead of turning sharp or withdrawn, you choose patience.

    It looks like not snapping when you’re internally stressed.
    It looks like telling the truth about your anxiety instead of pretending you’re unshakeable.
    It looks like being present with your wife as a partner instead of carrying everything like a lone operator.

    Depression complicates this, but it doesn’t invalidate it. Some days motivation is low. Energy is thin. But love does not require high emotional voltage. It requires direction. It requires deciding, “I will not let my internal weather dictate my integrity.”

    That realization has changed how I understand loving myself. For a long time, that phrase sounded soft. But if my internal dialogue is constant criticism — “You should be further by now. You should have figured this out. You shouldn’t feel this way.” — then that tone will eventually bleed outward. You cannot extend steady grace to others if you deny it to yourself.

    Loving myself does not mean excusing laziness or ignoring responsibility. It means refusing to equate struggle with worthlessness. It means accepting that being human includes fluctuation. It means recognizing that productivity and profitability are not the final measure of value.

    Love, in its most mature form, is an attitude of steady commitment. It is choosing to move toward instead of away. It is absorbing minor offenses instead of keeping score. It is staying connected when escape would be easier. It is telling the truth without aggression and hearing criticism without collapse.

    It is less emotional than I expected and far more disciplined. It requires courage more than inspiration.

    I used to believe that if I could just feel more loving, I would finally be the husband, father, and man I’m supposed to be. Now I see that love was never about generating better feelings. It was about choosing a stronger posture.

    Feelings rise and fall. Markets fluctuate. Businesses slow and surge. Bodies age. Kids grow up. But the attitude you adopt — toward your wife, your children, your work, and yourself — that is what shapes the climate of your life.

    Love is not a surge of emotion. It is a decision about direction.

    And direction, chosen consistently over decades, is what builds something that actually lasts.

    Love – A Feeling and/or Attitude?

  • Self-awareness and relational patterns

    This morning as I reflect on certain beliefs and attitudes that affect my relationships in a way that stirs up dissension, I realize that my self-centeredness colors my posture constantly and in ways I don’t yet understand. I am grateful for a growing sensitivity and awareness to how I affect others, I am grateful for the courage to look at it, for willingness to drop defensiveness, for trust that God knows how to work out tension.

    Learning to Be Disarmed

    I’m learning to appreciate being disarmed. The discomfort is being replaced by confidence. I recognize it as humility and courage. And then I think I have an expectant joy around change. I tell myself the more uncomfortable the better.

    The depth of my pain has historically led to ideation. Now I stop that thought process and name it as a great lesson to encourage myself.

    Infrastructure for Change

    I have fellow travelers, many people around me. And what seems like new subject matter, a new level of transparency, perspective, honesty. But not there yet. I’ve always gotten hung up on my emotions. I bought a new chair for my office to practice writing, and an Apple Pencil for journaling. And I have a new sponsee whose life I’ve been speaking into. And my wife is amazing.

    Digging for Bedrock

    “There” would be bedrock. I keep digging and finding contaminated soil. My house has been shifting and splintering and everyone could see it and I have been patching like a madman. Now it’s full renovation time, and I’m not a contractor so I don’t even appreciate the full process. Humility means I trudge forward.

    Quicksand

    Last night it was realizing that my tattoos, my story, and the lessons that have shaped me might be quicksand.

    Misplaced confidence. What have I missed? Who am I really? What have I been forcing into darkness? How false am I? What could have been? Why have I survived this? Everything gets reframed—my brother’s death, I see consequence.

    What Choice Do I Have

    What choice do I have? This is what I signed up for. Sober over 30 years. 27 years married yesterday. I’m not running away. The things coming to the surface have been prophesied in my conscious my entire life. I have people in A.A. and particularly ACA who have worked through this. So I have hope.

    The Cost to Others

    Holy crap I can’t even imagine what she’s tolerated. That’s the most humbling. She doesn’t deserve this.

    A Fresh Wound

    The kids planned a family tattoo day. In a moment of destabilization, I said “that’s stupid.”

    What Happened

    • I said “that’s stupid.”
    • She heard contempt and rejection, not nuance.
    • In a family context, contempt lands as: “What you want—and by extension, who you are—is beneath me.”

    Intent doesn’t matter here. Impact already happened.

    The first thing I did upon awakening was go to her and apologized for my inappropriate comment, saying it was about me and my issues.

    Reframed

    I want to participate in the family tattoo day. A lighthearted tattoo would do me good.

    A reframed tattoo. It might be the most significant one ever, that I could get one framed in the spirit of joy. It goes so deep, I have not even explored all of the implications. I want to do that with Madeline, but need to regain her trust.

    This lighthearted tattoo could actually be the bedrock moment. Not because it carries the weight of my suffering or survival or lessons learned, but precisely because it doesn’t. Because it comes from joy, from connection, from showing up in love rather than in self-constructed meaning.

    All my other tattoos might be about me—my story, my identity, my narrative. This one would be about them. About being present. About choosing participation over performance.

    The trust doesn’t get regained through grand gestures or perfect explanations. It gets rebuilt through consistency—through more moments of showing up, apologizing when I miss, not requiring her to absolve me or make it easy, staying engaged even when it’s uncomfortable.

  • Not the Problem

    I came into a hard week looking for labels. I wanted words that would explain what I was feeling and maybe help me manage it. What I found instead was a question I had been avoiding most of my life: can I trust what I see?

    I’ve been sober a long time. For most of those years I survived my feelings rather than felt them. They never arrived as anything I could name. They balled up into a low, familiar dread that said I had done something wrong, that I was something wrong. This past year has been about learning to stop surviving and start growing up, and I didn’t expect it to hurt the way it has.

    Then came a week when several small things went wrong in a row. Plans fell through. People I counted on didn’t show up the way I thought we’d agreed. When I tried to say I was hurt, I felt dismissed, so I went quiet. By the time the last disappointment landed, someone I trusted was telling me the mistake was mine.

    Something old woke up in me then. I know that machine well. It wants to burn everything down, pull away from everyone, and stop caring. I didn’t drink, but I could taste the old reasoning, and it scared me.

    What I’ve learned over the years is not to trust that machine. So I did the one thing I know how to do. I sat in the ditch and prayed, asking God to take my self-pity and my fear and show me the next right thing. Then I waited.

    Things turned. They didn’t get fixed, but they turned. People reached back toward me. I found I could forgive one person and encourage him even while I was still bleeding from somewhere else. And when I finally talked it all out, I saw what had actually been happening inside me.

    I was stuck between two answers that both felt unbearable. Either I had misread everything and was overreacting again, which meant I was broken. Or I had read it right, and someone I trusted had let me down and then handed me the blame, which meant I had been betrayed.

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve picked the first answer. Without even deciding to, I make it my fault. I take all the blame, go silent, protect everyone else from what I feel, and handle it alone. I learned that as a boy. When your world is chaotic and painful, believing you caused it is the only way to feel like you might fix it. “I’m the problem” gave me a kind of control. It kept me safe, frozen but safe.

    The trouble is that this work is taking away my ability not to feel. When the truth gets laid out plainly, when I can see that I really was wronged, I don’t feel relief. I cry. I freeze. Once it isn’t my fault, I can’t hide inside the blame anymore, and I have to feel the hurt.

    So the lesson of that week wasn’t about the person who let me down. He was the earthquake, not the point. The lesson was that my perception of reality is allowed to be valid, even when someone else tells me it isn’t.

    That week also cracked something open. I found I could ask for what I needed, even though it terrified me. I reached out to a man who had been walking alongside me for a long time, more patiently than I had noticed, and I asked him to walk with me more closely. He said yes, in his own way.

    I’m not over it, and it still hurts. But I’ve decided it doesn’t get to stop me. I don’t have to make it my fault, and I don’t have to let it decide what comes next.

    I think that is what healing looks like for me right now. It isn’t a clean ending. It’s a man learning, late and slowly, that he can stand up straight in the middle of an offense, keep showing up, and choose closeness over protection.

    God is good, and I’m going to be okay.

  • Constitutionally Incapable

    The Big Book says some people are “constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” For years I read that as a sentence passed on other people, and on my worst days as one passed on me. The book also tells us we have a problem with perception distorted by fear, pride, resentment, selfishness, or self-protection.

    A person who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves typically struggles with deeply ingrained psychological or emotional barriers that prevent them from confronting difficult truths. This could be due to:

    1. Denial: They might avoid acknowledging painful realities or uncomfortable aspects of themselves as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional distress.
    2. Fear of Vulnerability: Honesty with oneself requires facing fears, mistakes, and imperfections, which can feel threatening to those who fear being vulnerable.
    3. Low Self-Awareness: Some people lack the ability or willingness to engage in self-reflection, which makes it difficult for them to see their own flaws, biases, or emotions clearly.
    4. Cognitive Dissonance: When their actions and beliefs are in conflict, they may unconsciously distort or rationalize their behavior to maintain a sense of internal consistency, avoiding uncomfortable truths.
    5. Narcissism or Ego Defense: Those with inflated egos or narcissistic tendencies may reject any self-criticism to protect their self-image.
    6. Trauma or Psychological Wounds: Deep emotional wounds from past experiences might make it too painful for someone to confront certain truths, leading them to develop mechanisms that prevent self-honesty.

    In essence, such individuals have developed coping mechanisms that protect them from emotional discomfort but hinder their ability to be honest with themselves.

    Here is what I believe now. Everyone’s access to the truth is mediated by fear. Some people’s fear was just severe enough to functionally lock the door. Being constitutionally incapable of honesty is true. It just isn’t permanent.

  • From Guilt to Growth: Moving Beyond Self-Centeredness

    There is a realization that can hit a man hard, late at night when the house is quiet and the day’s conversations replay themselves without permission. I am selfish. Not in the casual way people toss the word around, but heavy, the way a verdict lands. I have felt this. I have watched my own self-centeredness ripple outward and touch the people I love most, and in that moment it does not feel like a flaw. It feels like evil. It feels like proof of something rotten underneath.

    But I have learned, slowly and at real cost, that the pain itself is the evidence against the verdict. A man who is actually evil does not lie awake grieving the wound he caused. The grief is not the disease. The grief is the immune system doing its work.

    For most of my life I could not tell the difference between guilt and shame, and that confusion cost me years. Guilt says, I did something wrong. Shame says, I am something wrong. Guilt can be carried to the cross and set down. Shame cannot, because shame was never about the act — it is about identity, and you cannot repent your way out of an identity you never chose in the first place. I built mine in a house where I learned early that love was conditional and safety was not guaranteed, and I have spent my adult life mistaking that old inherited verdict — I am wrong, I am defective — for present-tense truth about who I actually am. When I collapse a moment of selfishness into a referendum on my whole self, I am not taking responsibility. I am condemning myself, and condemnation has never once produced change in me. It has only ever produced hiding.

    What I have come to understand is that most of what looks like selfishness in me is fear wearing a disguise. Fear of not being valued. Fear of being dismissed, overwhelmed, found not enough. When my mind gets flooded — too much coming at me, too many demands, too much noise — something in me reverts to an old survival architecture that was built decades before I had any say in the matter. That architecture is self-focused by design. It narrows the lens. It protects first and connects later, if at all. And left unexamined, it will quietly erode the very relationships I am trying to protect myself within.

    Naming this is not an excuse. It is clarity, and clarity has become the hinge point of my recovery. There is a version of self-awareness that stays soft and observational — I interrupted because I needed to be heard, rather than I am a terrible husband — and learning to speak to myself that way, describing the behavior instead of sentencing the man, has done more for my growth than any amount of self-flagellation ever managed. I cannot change what I refuse to see. But I have also learned, the hard way, that I cannot change what I crush under shame either. The wounded child in me does not respond to condemnation. He only knows how to hide from it.

    So growth, for me, has stopped looking like a personality overhaul and started looking like small, unglamorous repetitions. A pause before I speak. One more question than instinct wants to ask. Reflecting back what Madeline just said before I offer my opinion on it. A quick apology the moment I notice I have slipped, rather than the slow defended one that comes hours later once pride has had its say. None of these are dramatic. But small things, practiced daily, are what actually rebuild trust — not promises, not grand resolutions, but patterns sustained over time.

    And where I have caused real damage, I have learned that repair is still available to me. A genuine apology, not a strategic one. A willingness to listen without defending myself in the middle of someone else’s pain. Consistent behavior, held over months and years, not a single dramatic gesture meant to close the account quickly. Trust does not rebuild on eloquence. It rebuilds on evidence.

    Every man carries selfish impulses. That is not a special indictment of me; it is simply what it means to be human before grace does its slow work. The difference between a man who stays stuck and a man who is actually growing was never perfection. It was willingness. If I feel the pain of my own patterns, if I want to change, if the impact I have on the people I love actually matters to me — then I am not beyond hope. I am in the middle of something.

    I will slip. I already know this about myself. I will default to the old wiring and catch myself mid-sentence having made it about me again. But I have started to understand that this is not failure — it is awareness arriving faster than it used to. Growth was never going to mean the elimination of selfishness overnight. It means its grip loosening, little by little, while my capacity for empathy and humility and presence slowly grows to take its place. One day at a time. One conversation at a time.

    And the fact that I am still asking these questions, still willing to look at this in myself instead of looking away — that is not evidence of evil.

    That is a man who wants to become better.

  • Embracing True Identity

    “He has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts.” (2 Corinthians 1:22 NLT)

    Your faith will grow stronger as you focus on your identity in Christ (Galatians 2).

    What this means is that you abandon any image of yourself that is not from God. You stop accepting what others have said about you, how others have labeled you, and how others have defined you.

    You start believing what God says about you, that he is pleased with how he created you, and that God defines you.

    You’re not defined by your feelings. You’re not defined by the opinions of others or by your circumstances. You’re not defined by your successes or failures. You’re not defined by the car you drive, the money you make, or the house you say you own when the bank really does.

    You are defined by God and God alone. He identifies you as his own (2 Corinthians 1:22).

    The thing is, if you don’t know who you are, then you’re vulnerable to other people telling you who you are. But the concrete, solid, gospel truth is that you are who God says you are, and no one else has a vote in the matter.

    This “identity issue” is an important part of living the abundant life. Jesus was able to face the incredible demands of his mission because he knew exactly who he was. He knew that he mattered to God, and that gave him confidence to move purposefully in faith.

    You are now identified with Christ and have the power of the Holy Spirit within you. You are God’s precious child, and he created you in a way that pleases him.

    “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. God has now revealed to us his mysterious will regarding Christ—which is to fulfill his own good plan. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan. God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise and glory to God. And now you Gentiles have also heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him.” Ephesians 1:4-14 NLT

    “You are built for love from the inside out. You are built for love from the outside in. You exist in a universe that is love. You exist in a world that is aligned to love. We have bought the lie that it is hostile and oppositional to us. We need to remember what is deeply, most profoundly true about us and about everybody else on the planet. We are deeply, truly, passionately loved by the King and Creator of the universe and that is why we exist. It is spoken by love, it is formed by love, it is inbreathed by love. And only love can see the soul as it truly is. This is why it is so important that as part of the stewardship of your soul, you love the you that God loves. Because if you and God disagree, you’re wrong.” — Bill Dogterom on Genesis 2

    WHO AM I

    2 Corinthians 5:17 — Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

    1 Peter 2:9 — But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

    Galatians 2:20 — I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

    John 15:15 — No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

    2 Corinthians 1:22 — set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

    John 1:12 — But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

    Romans 8:17 — And if children, then heirs – heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

    Colossians 3:3 — For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

    Galatians 3:26 — For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.

    Romans 8:1 — There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

    Philippians 3:20 — But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

    1 Corinthians 12:27 — Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

    1 Corinthians 6:19-20 — Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

    Ephesians 2:10 — For we are God’s masterpiece, created to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.

    Ephesians 4:24 — And to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

    John 1:12 — Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

    Ephesians 1:5 — he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.

    Romans 15:7 — Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

    Colossians 2:9-10 — For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.

    1 Corinthians 6:17 — But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

    2 Corinthians 5:20 — We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.

    Romans 6:6 — For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.

    Genesis 1:27 — So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

    Jeremiah 1:5 — “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

    1 Peter 1:1-2 — Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, To God’s elect, exiles scattered throughout the provinces of Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia and Bithynia, who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to be obedient to Jesus Christ and sprinkled with his blood: Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

    Galatians 3:27-28 — for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

    1 John 3:1-2 — See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 

    Colossians 3:1-3 — Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

    Matthew 11:30 — “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (How valuable am I that Jesus wants my burdens – supported)

    John 10:10 — The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

    Luke 23:34 — Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (We are far more important than our behavior -forgiven)

    Genesis 12:1 — I will bless you… and you will be a blessing.

    John 3:16 — For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

    Forever grateful for Terry Ladow whose love, teaching, and wisdom taught me truth

    Several Bible verses can be seen to support the idea that each person is a unique creation of God, made in His image, with inherent value and purpose:

    1. **Genesis 1:26-27** – “Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” This passage directly speaks to humanity being made in God’s image, emphasizing the unique dignity and purpose conferred upon humans.

    2. **Psalm 139:14** – “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This verse celebrates the intricate and marvelous creation of each individual, suggesting a uniqueness and value to each person’s existence.

    3. **Ephesians 2:10** – “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” This implies that each person is not only created by God but for a specific purpose or set of purposes.

    4. **Jeremiah 1:5** – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” While this was specifically said to Jeremiah, it’s often interpreted as a general statement about God’s knowledge and plan for each individual before they are born, highlighting their unique role and purpose.

    5. **Isaiah 43:4** – “Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you.” This verse conveys a sense of individual worth and value to God, which can be seen as part of being made in His image.

    6. **1 Peter 2:9** – “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” This scripture speaks to the special and unique role believers have in God’s plan, suggesting a purpose and calling for each individual.

    These verses collectively convey the notion that humans are uniquely created by God, each with a singular purpose, reflecting His image, which aligns with the sentiment of being “an incredibly magnificent, unbelievably rare, unrepeatable miracle.”

    Understanding How and Why We Were Created

    The Attack on Identity

    Life as a Gang Member

    The Right Attitude In The Battle

  • A Message From God (Scripture Supported)

    Dear Friend,

    Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep, full relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But GOD says, “No. Not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with being loved by ME alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to ME, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with ME alone. I love you my child. Until you discover that only in ME is your satisfaction to be found (Psalm 73:25-26), you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with ME, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.”

    ⸻

    “I want you to stop wishing and stop planning. Allow ME to bring that person to you. You just keep watching ME, expecting the greatest things. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That’s all!” (Psalm 27:14)

    ⸻

    “Don’t be anxious, don’t worry (Philippians 4:6-7), don’t look around at the things others have or what I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking up to ME or you will miss what I want to show you. When you are ready, I will surprise you with a love more wonderful than you would ever have dreamed (Song of Solomon 2:7). You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is ready—I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time—until you are both satisfied exclusively with ME and the life I have prepared for you (Ecclesiastes 3:11), you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with ME. This is perfect love.”

    ⸻

    “And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see—in the flesh—a picture of your relationship with ME, and enjoy maturely and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with MYSELF.” (Ephesians 3:17-19)

    ⸻

    “Please know that I love you utterly. Believe It And Be Satisfied.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

    ⸻

    “It is hard to stumble . . . on your knees.” (James 4:6-8)

    God

    Viruses That Destroy Spiritual Life, Part 4 – Sexual Impurity, Kenton Beshore

    Woman Created by God

  • A Message From God

    Dear Friend,

    Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep, full relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But GOD says, “No. Not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with being loved by ME alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to ME, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with ME alone. I love you my child. Until you discover that only in ME is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with ME, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.”

    ⸻

    “I want you to stop wishing and stop planning. Allow ME to bring that person to you. You just keep watching ME, expecting the greatest things. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That’s all!”

    ⸻

    “Don’t be anxious, don’t worry, don’t look around at the things others have or what I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking up to ME or you will miss what I want to show you. When you are ready, I will surprise you with a love more wonderful than you would ever have dreamed. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is ready—I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time—until you are both satisfied exclusively with ME and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with ME. This is perfect love.”

    ⸻

    “And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see—in the flesh—a picture of your relationship with ME, and enjoy maturely and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with MYSELF.”

    ⸻

    “Please know that I love you utterly. Believe It And Be Satisfied.”

    ⸻

    “It is hard to stumble… on your knees.”

    GOD

    Viruses That Destroy Spiritual Life, Part 4 – Sexual Impurity, Kenton Beshore

  • Soul Restoration

    Psalm 1 – Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

    The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

    Psalm 5:3 – O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.

    Psalm 23 – The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

    You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

    Psalm 46 – God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

    There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

    Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.

    “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

    Psalm 90:14  – Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

    Psalm 103 – Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

    The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.

    For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

    As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.

    Bless the Lord, O you his angels, you mighty ones who do his word, obeying the voice of his word! Bless the Lord, all his hosts, his ministers, who do his will! Bless the Lord, all his works, in all places of his dominion. Bless the Lord, O my soul!

    Psalm 118:24  – This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

    Psalm 119:105 – Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

    Psalm 143:8  – Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

    Psalm 150:1 – Praise the Lord!

    The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else. “Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord”;…  The Highest Good—The Pilgrim’s Song Book, 537 L

  • Putting On Phronéō

    Seven readings, rooted in identity given by God.

    Today I am putting off the old pattern and putting on this mind — not because the old groove is gone, but because this is how it gets replaced (Ephesians 4:22-24). Repetition built the old attitude. Repetition, given to God, will build the new one.

    Reading #1 — I Am His

    I am beloved. God set his love on me before I did anything to earn it.

    I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My body and my life are being shaped by His hand.

    I am accepted in the Beloved. Grace has made me acceptable.

    I am being renewed day by day, transformed from the inside out.

    I am a receiver of grace. What I have is gift.

    I am forgiven, fully and at cost. I forgive others because I was forgiven first.

    I am fully known and fully loved. Nothing in me disqualifies me from that love.

    I am adopted as His child, not a servant working for approval (Galatians 4:7).

    I am secure. My identity does not rise and fall with my performance today.

    I am a gift, and I am worthy of love, because God said so.

    Reading #2 — What I Believe

    I believe my thoughts matter, and I offer them to God to renew.

    I believe divine love shines from within me because His Spirit dwells there.

    I believe my worth is fixed and already given.

    I believe I am strengthened by Him for what I face today.

    I believe in prayer, as relationship with One who hears me, and I believe prayer changes things — my heart first, and sometimes circumstances too.

    I believe when I ask, seek, and knock, I am heard (Matthew 7:7).

    I believe every good gift comes from the Father of lights.

    I believe faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

    I believe I walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7), even when I can’t yet see how things resolve.

    I believe hope does not put me to shame, because His love has already been poured into my heart (Romans 5:5).

    I believe I am being made into something beautiful.

    I believe in compassion, and I extend it because it was extended to me.

    I believe my life bears witness to grace.

    I believe others’ welfare matters as much as my own.

    I believe I am meant to help those who need me, out of what I’ve received.

    I believe I participate in what God is doing in the world.

    I believe there is one source, and I listen to him.

    I believe in what He has done — always.

    Reading #3 — My True Purpose

    I follow the calling I’ve been given, and I act on it.

    I am true to myself and to others.

    I seek good outcomes for everyone in my relationships and my work.

    My worth is settled, and my purpose flows from that settledness.

    I let others help me. I was never meant to be self-sufficient.

    I love people of every shape, size, color, and creed.

    I am one with others in Christ.

    I make decisions carefully, and I trust that even my mistakes are held by grace.

    I am being sanctified, a slow work, and that is enough for today.

    I am forgiven, and I am being made whole.

    My future is held by grace.

    I love my life and the people in it, imperfections included.

    I am on the road home.

    Reading #4 — Provision

    I receive what God provides — financial, relational, physical, spiritual.

    I trust the wisdom of God, Who orders all things for my good.

    I hold money and provision loosely, as stewardship.

    It is done. Christ has already accomplished what matters most.

    Reading #5 — Decisions and Surrender

    I bring my decisions to God rather than trusting my own record alone.

    My decision-making is sound when it’s surrendered.

    When I get it wrong, God meets me there and redirects me.

    I hold my choices with humility.

    I trust Him with what I cannot yet see the outcome of. That is what faith is for.

    Reading #6 — I Love Our Clients

    I love our clients. Loving well is the work.

    They help us grow. I receive their praise with gratitude and their correction as a gift.

    They want to do business with us, and I want to be trustworthy of that.

    Today I will do my best to serve them well.

    I am grateful when the work is enjoyable, and faithful to it when it isn’t.

    I receive their feedback, even the hard kind.

    We charge a fair price, and I trust that fairness sustains the business.

    I love our clients as people.

    Reading #7 — Grateful

    I am grateful. Every good gift comes from the Father of lights.

    God is good, and I trust His goodness even in what I don’t understand.

    I try to see the good in people.

    Provision comes to me as gift.

    I receive grace, undeserved, and that is better than being owed.

    I hold what’s given to me open-handed.

    I am grateful — deeply loved — and I receive that, today, again.

    “You are built for love from the inside out. You are built for love from the outside in. You exist in a universe that is love. You exist in a world that is aligned to love. We have bought the lie that it is hostile and oppositional to us. We need to remember what is deeply, most profoundly true about us and about everybody else on the planet. We are deeply, truly, passionately loved by the King and Creator of the universe and that is why we exist. It is spoken by love, it is formed by love, it is inbreathed by love. And only love can see the soul as it truly is. This is why it is so important that as part of the stewardship of your soul, you love the you that God loves. Because if you and God disagree, you’re wrong.” — Bill Dogterom [on Genesis 2]

    Renewing the mind is winning the battle

    THE BATTLE WITH EGO

    Seeing is never believing: we interpret what we see in the light of what we believe. Faith is confidence in God before you see God emerging; therefore the nature of faith is that it must be tried. He Shall Glorify Me, 494 R